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Original poster

How many men go back to the OW?

210 replies

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:30

Just wondered how many men come clean about an affair (out of the blue), say they want to give the relationship another go, and then go back to the OW?

OP posts:
bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:45

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:38

@bronkie yes and normally I’d think the same. I do believe this was different for so many reasons, but no one would believe me, so there’s no point. But sometimes you just know.

I’m just sharing the perspective that yes, I do think the MM can be in love with the OW but not want to lose his family, no he probably doesn’t stop thinking of her if that was the case, and no I don’t think men who have long term affairs actually love their wives in any meaningful or truly authentic sense.

some cheating men of course only wanted an easy thrill and will forget about the OW entirely.

I think if you want to stay after infidelity for practical reasons then fine, but I think you’d have to face up to the fact it’s not the ‘love’ you thought you had and that they may end up leaving eventually anyway.

I do understand the "you just know" but believe that so many women on here could tell you that same thing and lo and behold in the end you ( as in all of them) were not any different. The fact that he is not willing to leave his marriage to me is testament to the fact that it wasn't the love that the affair partner thought it was. Sorry I'm not meaning to pick on you - just musing on the things that you say.

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:48

some are very accomplished at this kind of life. The "tricks" they use to cover their footsteps is numerous. Most do get busted eventually.

Are you suggesting that men have affairs because of a "tired, boring wife"?

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:49

My last comment was for @Vretz

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:50

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 20:12

@Cupcake135 thank you for your honesty.

How did you get over him? Could you just switch off your feelings? I am wondering if he has done that. How long were you cheating for?

That’s ok, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I didn’t get over him. Neither of us did, clearly, despite not even talking for so long. But I have stopped all contact whilst they are still together. What he is doing is not fair on anyone involved.

to put it into context we’ve not spoken for double the amount of time we were even seeing eachother. So no I don’t think it was just ‘limerence’, or infatuation.

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:51

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:45

I do understand the "you just know" but believe that so many women on here could tell you that same thing and lo and behold in the end you ( as in all of them) were not any different. The fact that he is not willing to leave his marriage to me is testament to the fact that it wasn't the love that the affair partner thought it was. Sorry I'm not meaning to pick on you - just musing on the things that you say.

Show quote history

Of course, I get that. It doesn’t bother me at all, and I’d be saying the same thing 😅

dutysuite · 19/10/2023 20:54

I know someone who has been seeing a man for 20 years, they have a child. His wife found out and he told her it was over, it wasn’t he just became even more cautious about covering his tracks and the OW was happy to keep going with the secret because she didn’t want to lose him - she’d rather share him. Madness.

Daisyislazy · 19/10/2023 20:55

I think if you need to ask all these questions about your DH the relationship is done

Original poster
notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 21:01

@Cupcake135 Do you think your AP would be with you if it wasn't for the children then?

Thanks everyone for your input. I know I'd be living a life of looking over my shoulder but he just seemed so remorseful and almost too honest, which made me think he really does want me and maybe it was some horrible mistake.

OP posts:
Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 21:08

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 21:01

@Cupcake135 Do you think your AP would be with you if it wasn't for the children then?

Thanks everyone for your input. I know I'd be living a life of looking over my shoulder but he just seemed so remorseful and almost too honest, which made me think he really does want me and maybe it was some horrible mistake.

Hmm. Not exactly. I think he’d be with me if he wasn’t such a coward. He got found out, confessed everything, had actually been hoping she’d end it and save him the trouble. But then she didn’t and this happens two years later.

but no not only has he been caught cheating he then lied to her about his actual feelings for me, so the whole ‘reconciliation’ has also been a lie. His feelings deep down about either of us haven’t changed. So he’s really got himself in a hot mess. I do think he has a genuine fear of losing his children as she has dual citizenship and did threaten to move back home. Whether or not she’d do it is another issue.

and yes he was totally remorseful at the time. He isn’t an inherently bad person so he felt guilty clearly, and yes he did cut off contact with me, for a long time.

but yeah. This is what’s happened ultimately. And not great for anyone at all.

what is your gut telling you? And your heart?

Vretz · 19/10/2023 21:20

bronkie · 19/10/2023 20:48

some are very accomplished at this kind of life. The "tricks" they use to cover their footsteps is numerous. Most do get busted eventually.

Are you suggesting that men have affairs because of a "tired, boring wife"?

Edited

No, but it's an excuse given about lack of affection/attention and why a man (or woman) would seek that need elsewhere.

The point being that if a man/woman is investing all their time into an affair, it's little wonder the marriage/primary relationship suffers and needs aren't being met.

JustAMinutePleass · 19/10/2023 21:34

I don’t think after a 2 year affair he’s remotely apologetic. He’s scared of divorce, of losing money / kids / prestige (in some high profile industries they don’t give men who have divorced men media intense CEO positions). Eventually he will cheat again.

Jonti23 · 19/10/2023 21:50

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 19/10/2023 20:33

If they don’t go back to the OW it’s only because they don’t want to suffer the financial impact of divorce/become a weekend dad. Men like this choose between sex and money. It’s not about their so-called ‘love’ for either woman.

Spoiler alert.

Instead of viewing things in trepidation of him cheating in you again, remember the element of surprise only works the once, when u don’t expect it. Anything else becomes a calculation for u.

So u spend another 10 yrs together. It’s great for kids, no evil step-mummies twisting their vulnerable emotions. You win. Kids leave. He leaves or you leave. You get 10ths extra pension. Maybe that was yr plan all along to get him enjoying his by now boring passionate love, for all chemistry is lost after 7 yrs, so he can enjoy spending time with her in half his home and pension. At a time he can’t even get it up.

I pity the guy in this scenario.

Do what you want to do.

Expect nothing but secure yourself by not viewing yourself as a victim. Have a clear plan in either scenario. Remember element of surprise is gone.

crumblylancs · 19/10/2023 21:56

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 21:01

@Cupcake135 Do you think your AP would be with you if it wasn't for the children then?

Thanks everyone for your input. I know I'd be living a life of looking over my shoulder but he just seemed so remorseful and almost too honest, which made me think he really does want me and maybe it was some horrible mistake.

Is the OW married/relationship? Could he have told you because someone else found out and threatened to tell you if he didn't

Jonti23 · 19/10/2023 22:01

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 21:08

Hmm. Not exactly. I think he’d be with me if he wasn’t such a coward. He got found out, confessed everything, had actually been hoping she’d end it and save him the trouble. But then she didn’t and this happens two years later.

but no not only has he been caught cheating he then lied to her about his actual feelings for me, so the whole ‘reconciliation’ has also been a lie. His feelings deep down about either of us haven’t changed. So he’s really got himself in a hot mess. I do think he has a genuine fear of losing his children as she has dual citizenship and did threaten to move back home. Whether or not she’d do it is another issue.

and yes he was totally remorseful at the time. He isn’t an inherently bad person so he felt guilty clearly, and yes he did cut off contact with me, for a long time.

but yeah. This is what’s happened ultimately. And not great for anyone at all.

what is your gut telling you? And your heart?

Show quote history

But don’t you feel terribly let down he goes home to his DW? And that you are his bit on the side.

Ultimately you are cheating yourself by coming on here and pretending to know what he actually tells his wife. That’s very questionable right there that he’s got you fooled that he’s fooling her. Must feel quite special being called up two yrs after thought, did not think the synonym for patience was desperation.

If I was the OW of any description I would be asking myself why I am programmed to seek and accept scraps. Like a street pup, looking in on a warm family home, wishing I had that status and treatment, and not being thrown a bone once a fortnight. I’d want the roast dinner.

LoganCaleSeries5 · 19/10/2023 22:42

these days you never quite know with people

Smooshface · 19/10/2023 22:46

He was back in contact within month as far as i can tell, but then she was the wife of a friend of his which I didn't realise at the time, so that was a good cover for everything i guess. Luckily i didn't know these people so I'm glad he can just go and do that and there isn't local fallout from it, but he's burned all his bridges in that friend group obviously. As far as i knew it was online only and she lived far away, he trickle truthed the details and he protected her identity.

rentingthisglove · 20/10/2023 00:36

Susieb2023 · 19/10/2023 17:24

@pumpkinsareshortlived amazing post. Pretty much what my husband said to me once he’d processed his affair.

I thought it sounded like horse shit to me.

Awwww babes I needed to get my dick wet elsewhere so I could realise how much of a doormat you are and that I'm better off sticking with you because you'll look after me like my mummy would

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 01:50

Jonti23 · 19/10/2023 22:01

But don’t you feel terribly let down he goes home to his DW? And that you are his bit on the side.

Ultimately you are cheating yourself by coming on here and pretending to know what he actually tells his wife. That’s very questionable right there that he’s got you fooled that he’s fooling her. Must feel quite special being called up two yrs after thought, did not think the synonym for patience was desperation.

If I was the OW of any description I would be asking myself why I am programmed to seek and accept scraps. Like a street pup, looking in on a warm family home, wishing I had that status and treatment, and not being thrown a bone once a fortnight. I’d want the roast dinner.

Show quote history

Yawn.

MeMySonAnd1 · 20/10/2023 02:35

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:48

Why do they bother coming clean and wanting to work on the relationship to then just go back to the OW though?

I have a very cynic view on this: my view is that they are working both fronts to assess who they prefer to leave.

Someone once told me that women leave when they are fed up and men when they find a replacement.

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 03:33

Cupcake135 · 19/10/2023 20:24

To be clear, he never ‘slagged her off’. But he would just talk about the way she behaved and acted in certain situations completely neutrally, but it raised major red flags for me given what I experienced with my exH, who was abusive.

I genuinely don’t think this guy even realised how toxic it all was until I pointed it out, and he said he’d had therapy since and was told he needed to work on his boundaries with her more, which was a bit weird given he was the one who cheated.

so the whole thing seems toxic. Not that that’s an excuse and he is a still a coward. But not everything is black and white.

Wow, I,ve read some things on here but this kind of takes the biscuit. You pointed out that this woman who you have never met appears to have narcissistic qualities, and encouraged him to have therapy because of the toxic situation at home, and through that it enabled him to reinforce his boundaries with her more.

That poor woman has no idea what she's dealing with, does she, or maybe she does ?

You've tried your hardest by the sounds of it to win the pick me dance and still you lost, really poor behaviour.

Your affair partner is a selfish cruel man, if I were you I would run, the man's an utter bastard, he's clearly got you and his therapist feeling sorry for him, a master manipulater.

The truth of the matter if I were to guess is that he is the narc, he will not leave his wealth or wife, this kind of man wants it all, and the past two years I would bet he has had a number of women on the go but believes you've been shelved long enough and fancies another play.

He's not a coward, tell him you're going to tell his wife about the renewed contact, I think he'll show you he's no coward.
I hope you never left a decent relationship for this man because he sounds like a bad un.

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 03:51

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 03:33

Wow, I,ve read some things on here but this kind of takes the biscuit. You pointed out that this woman who you have never met appears to have narcissistic qualities, and encouraged him to have therapy because of the toxic situation at home, and through that it enabled him to reinforce his boundaries with her more.

That poor woman has no idea what she's dealing with, does she, or maybe she does ?

You've tried your hardest by the sounds of it to win the pick me dance and still you lost, really poor behaviour.

Your affair partner is a selfish cruel man, if I were you I would run, the man's an utter bastard, he's clearly got you and his therapist feeling sorry for him, a master manipulater.

The truth of the matter if I were to guess is that he is the narc, he will not leave his wealth or wife, this kind of man wants it all, and the past two years I would bet he has had a number of women on the go but believes you've been shelved long enough and fancies another play.

He's not a coward, tell him you're going to tell his wife about the renewed contact, I think he'll show you he's no coward.
I hope you never left a decent relationship for this man because he sounds like a bad un.

Show quote history

I simply explained to the OP what happened in my situation. There’s no use derailing the thread with attempts to attack me.

momonpurpose · 20/10/2023 03:52

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:48

Why do they bother coming clean and wanting to work on the relationship to then just go back to the OW though?

Because they can. If you forgive cheatonce that makes them secure they can keep it up

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 04:27

@Cupcake135

I'm not attacking you, i could for your poor choices but mainly to point out that you may have been deceived here.

You are choosing to see this man as a victim and a coward, but maybe he's very shrewed, a covert narc, he's not a nice man.

@notanotherstat , there are plenty of people who remain together after affairs, many more than people admit on here, and I suppose it depends where you are in the game, early days and your feeling run so high you can't make trusted decisions, so take it a day at a time if you're unsure, his behaviour will tell you all you need to know going forward.

If he is remorseful and really wants to stay then agree on the new terms going forward, but you must understand he is a liar and they generally don't change with either sex.

I wish you well and hope your confidence returns, with or without him, be kind to yourself and acknowledge you've had two genuinely deplorable people in your life and I hope one day you manage to shit on him, in one way or another.

Susieb2023 · 20/10/2023 06:21

@rentingthisglove wow if you think your vile use of language (which tries to shame reconciled women) is going to hurt me you’ve got another thing coming. I’m YEARS from the affair, with a husband who has moved heaven and earth to do and be better. Honestly read the post by the woman who cheated she describes a very similar feeling when she’d processed the affair. But you won’t. Please don’t tag me again in your ignorant posts.

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 06:46

@Susieb2023 you write a lot of sense as someone that’s processed their stuff which had nothing to do with u in the first place, you knew what u wanted all along. Wishing you a great day and ignore nonsensical old OWs trying to prove their little point on here. They are needy to be wanting that status in the first place, and then feel shortchanged when they’re the street pup looking in on the family unit having a roast dinner.