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Original poster

How many men go back to the OW?

210 replies

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:30

Just wondered how many men come clean about an affair (out of the blue), say they want to give the relationship another go, and then go back to the OW?

OP posts:
hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 12:49

notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 12:24

I know you're all right. He said he loves me and not her. If so why does he message her and not block her?

I keep thinking this is some nightmare I'll wake up from.

Perhaps he hasn't blocked her because he's worried she will find an alternative means of contact (like turning up at your house)!

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 12:50

notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 12:41

@category12 does he really want to be with her do you think? I just can't understand why hes doing this, he's clearly not thinking straight.

I'm just trying to keep going for our 3 children.

No. He does not want to be with her. If he wanted to be with her he would be with her.

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 13:00

He wants to be with his children.

depends if that’s the kind of marriage you’d like. When they grow up he probably won’t stick around and you’ll be older and wasted a lot of time with someone who wasn’t committed to you.

it’s a horrible position to be in.

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 13:14

perfectcolourfound · 20/10/2023 12:08

It's very telling that he's telling her he wants to be with his family.

Not his wife.

He is making sure that he isn't choosing YOU over HER. He's choosing being with his children over her.

But his wife is his family!

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 13:18

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 13:14

But his wife is his family!

Show quote history

Hmm. No I think if that was what he meant he would have said I want to be with YOU.

the guy I was seeing said exactly the same thing. Said it was only for the kids.

But that’s just my experience and something to be aware of.

Forgotmylogindetails · 20/10/2023 13:30

Why are people giving this lady false hope ?

Its cruel and the truth hurts but it’s better than living some fantasy

Original poster
notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 13:40

He loves me and he's chosen me, if he wanted to be with her then he would be with her surely? She wants to be with him.

OP posts:
Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 13:43

He’s chosen his kids

Specso · 20/10/2023 13:52

Op, I honestly don’t think posting on here is going to help you at this moment in time. In fact, I think it will make it worse. The shock of what’s happened is making you want to believe whatever makes it easiest to get past and you will always get people posting who want to push their personal feelings and experiences which isn’t your personal experience.

You have people on this thread referring to other human beings as dogs and all sorts which shows they are not able to contain their own bitterness and offer advice without the dramatics thrown in with it. The fact is, none of this is about the other woman. It’s about your husband and at this point the only person who knows how he truly feels is him and he won’t necessarily reveal the truth. He will keep his cards close to his chest and do what suits him. All he is interested in at this point is himself and what’s best for him and whatever you decide to do I would keep that in mind.

I’d take some time to sit with your thoughts and not listen to lots of different conflicting accounts on here as people let their emotions drive the advice they give and stir up unnecessary negative feelings in your own mind.

Good luck op, I hope things turn out well for you.

FairyMaclary · 20/10/2023 14:18

Op do you have real life support?

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 14:34

Op, so he's openly texting in front of you with this woman.

Very disrespectful, even if it's to tell her it's ending, maybe he is implimenting damage limitation so she doesn't pop round, but i'm not so sure, he sounds a pretty cocky character.

Nobody can tell you whether he will stay, i personally think he will but he's a twat of a cake eater and he's presently seeing how much you will take, and at the moment you are broken, destroyed by his inhumane treatment of you.

My advice would be to build yourself up, stabalise and gain strength whilst he plays his merry dance of finding himself irresistable, you don't have to make a decision at the moment, wait till you have picked yourself up off the floor.

These things take time, you don't have to sort everthing out and decide, do it when you are ready.
I hope you have support, confide in someone.

Frasers · 20/10/2023 14:42

The red flag here is he’s not saying he wants to be with you, but his family, I don’t know how to phrase that more gently. And then when you point out he’s three kids, it makes sense, he doesn’t wish to live apart from his children and be a part time dad. If that’s the price he has to pay to be with this woman then he isn’t for paying it.

in addition the optics of leaving your marriage with three kids and being outed as a cheater, the impact on his relationship with the kids due to it, the financial hit, he’s decided he should stay and be with them full time.

im sorry I know it’s hard he’s choosing family rather than you, but it appears this is what it is. Only you know if that’s enough for you.

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 14:42

notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 13:40

He loves me and he's chosen me, if he wanted to be with her then he would be with her surely? She wants to be with him.

God how i would love for you to say, i don't want you and don't see you in that way anymore, you no longer look like a safe, supportive and protective husband to me, you have brought this vulgar woman into our marriage and been disrespectful and disloyal to me and the children.

Go to her, you made your decision, no second chances, no going back, we shall tell the children tonight, now goodbye, see you next lifetime.

The end.

Women should have insurance in place for this kind of shit.
Infedelity insurance.

pumpkinsareshortlived · 20/10/2023 14:58

He's saying 'family' as he obviously lovebombed and overpromised OW and now finds it hard to articulate as doesn't want to hurt her feelings or appear a cad ( which he very much is). He needs to own his decision at the very least.

Please stop believing a single word your husband is telling you. Already he promised to end affair yet he is still texting. No contact should be the very minimum. His thoughts should be on prioritising you after putting a bomb under your relationship but they are not are they?

Wake up! Take note of @RandomForest and stop being a door mat. I mean it in the kindest sense OP as know exactly the pain you are going through and until you get tough, put boundaries in place you are not prioritising or protecting yourself. All his tears are currently for himself and how hard done he is having to choose between OW and his wife.

RandomForest · 20/10/2023 14:59

Does the ow have a husband or partner ?

Nodashians · 20/10/2023 15:05

He chose to stay with the DC/family life not you OP. He has already broken the no contact rule.
Don’t do the pick me dance, throw him out and good riddance, he doesn’t get to choose, you do.

Crazykatie · 20/10/2023 15:45

Some do some don’t, a good friends husband had a 2 yr affair, wife found out, read the riot act, he never did stray again, but it cost him. There was a lot of money involved and wife made sure she was “adequately” provided for, socially she did not want to be a divorcee. OWs husband never found out.

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 15:57

He's hardly likely to say to his OW, 'I'm don't want to lose (wife's name)' is he? That would be an incredibly callous thing to say to someone you've supposedly been in love with. Much, much gentler to say that he's choosing his family as then the OW can assume that means the DC.
He's a free agent so he has agency to choose between the two women. He appears to have chosen. What he has done is disgusting, and how OP should feel about him is her business entirely, but we cannot deny that he is a free agent, and clearly adept at lying and compartmentalising as well as manipulating (probably). He's going to choose the path of least resistance when ending the affair.

momonpurpose · 20/10/2023 18:48

notanotherstat · 20/10/2023 11:27

Update - he's been messaging her but telling her he wants to be with his family. At first I was angry but then I thought it's good he's telling her he wants his family?

What do you all make of this? I asked for total no contact! Why hasn't he blocked her?

Well it looks like you have fallen for the oldest trick in the book. Good luck op you'll need it. This is your life now constantly in fear of who what and why. It will never change.

bronkie · 20/10/2023 19:32

@notanotherstat you need to not listen to someone like cupcake who is an OW and has chosen to believe a married man's lies - that he really loves her, won't leave because of the children and that she is special. If she was so special he would be with her. As to your situation he is still in two minds and perhaps you may have to take positive action as opposed to doing a pick me dance.

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 19:35

bronkie · 20/10/2023 19:32

@notanotherstat you need to not listen to someone like cupcake who is an OW and has chosen to believe a married man's lies - that he really loves her, won't leave because of the children and that she is special. If she was so special he would be with her. As to your situation he is still in two minds and perhaps you may have to take positive action as opposed to doing a pick me dance.

Edited

I literally just said what happened with me. I didn’t say I was special. I didn’t say I was waiting for him or begging for him to leave. I just relayed what was said to me, and what happened to me. But ok 🙄

RedSledgeEater · 20/10/2023 20:13

OP have you watched the film Before Sunset, and heard the conversation in the taxi ride? This is what's in the head of many men who have affairs: they live for, and stick around for, the kids.

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 20:22

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 13:00

He wants to be with his children.

depends if that’s the kind of marriage you’d like. When they grow up he probably won’t stick around and you’ll be older and wasted a lot of time with someone who wasn’t committed to you.

it’s a horrible position to be in.

What a nasty thing to say @Cupcake135

That’s so off coming from a past OW and it’s the narrative you yourself would need @Cupcake135 si that u don’t feel u wasted yr time with a MM.

Don’t listen to this nonsense OP, you are worth it, you were his choice to marry and people genuinely can have a dreadful midlife crisis and go on to grow and learn. You need strength. He’s acted immaturely but the kids don’t need you banging your head against the wall due to their dad shitting up. Stay strong.

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 20:25

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 13:43

He’s chosen his kids

He’s chosen roast dinner @Cupcake135 NOT the street cup-pup. Now stop triggering OP just because you made questionable choices you probably regret. Why else would you be coming up with such vitriol that is triggering for OP?

Cupcake135 · 20/10/2023 20:32

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 20:25

He’s chosen roast dinner @Cupcake135 NOT the street cup-pup. Now stop triggering OP just because you made questionable choices you probably regret. Why else would you be coming up with such vitriol that is triggering for OP?

Show quote history

It seems like you are the one who is ‘triggered’.

I didn’t say anything vitriolic at all. But I won’t comment any more, the whole ‘evil other woman’ trope is tiresome, and I expected it, but I literally just explained what happened with me, as a perspective from the other side and then answered some of OP’s questions 🙂