OP’s thread, as expected has been kind of sidelined by people attempting to attack me for being an ‘OW’. But hey ho.
Look, not everything is black and white. You’ve made the assumption I know nothing about him or the situation but somehow you seem to know everything. Which is a bizarre stance to take.
To go into the circumstances of how we ended up seeing eachother would be far too outing on here, but from my side it was nothing to do with being ‘used’ or thinking he deserved to have two women. And no I didn’t think he was going to ‘jump ship’ and nor did I encourage him to. I wasn’t doing it for validation or because I had low self esteem. There were practical issues at play when we first started seeing each other that no longer are a factor which is why I have now removed his access to me entirely. Our circumstances have changed and I wouldn’t entertain the situation now.
yes in many cases of cheating the man is a narc. I should know, as my exH was one. However with the MM I was seeing I am 99.9% sure his wife was the same. And no, not from what I was told by him, but from how she treated and spoke to him over the phone, and many other things I saw and experienced with my own two eyes. He also has two young children he was terrified of losing. Family court is not great for men who find themselves married to a narcissist. Or women, of course - But there is a huge lack of awareness when it comes to male victims because it’s comparatively rare. I honestly don’t think he even had a sweet clue how toxic the whole thing was until I witnessed it and was horrified because it was so eerily similar to how my exH had treated me. So again, not ‘lies’ he was feeding me.
I also think that for that reason, and as confirmed by him, his being unfaithful was his (admittedly) poor and cowardly attempt to get her to end it so he was absolved of the guilt of making that decision and leaving the kids, and that maybe if she’d made the decision it would be easier for him to leave. So when she found out he then confessed everything. I think he was genuinely shocked that she stayed. Albeit with months and months of punishment that I imagine will never truly end.
I also disagree that the wife necessarily has more ‘power’ since the affair discovery. Any ‘power’ over the cheater usually involves any children, and also, what a depressing way to conduct a marriage that is supposed to be a partnership of equals who love each other. It’s not genuine or authentic.
@gobleki I have to disagree with your theory about being truly ‘in love’. Because really actual love is without attachment. In all honesty, I would be happier for the MM I was involved with if he was genuinely happy with his wife, because that’s all I ever wanted for him. To be happy. Even if he said he was leaving to be single rather than be with me I would be happier than him making himself miserable in a marriage that is failing because he doesn’t want to not see his children every day.
That might be hard for people to understand but in my case it was true. My circumstances have changed since his wife found out and so of course when we spoke I walked away and made sure he had no access to me entirely, not to pressure him into making a decision or because I was angry with him, but because if this is the choice he’s had to make I don’t want to make it harder. And we had two years of no contact and he wasn’t trying to get attention. He was literally looking me up with no idea I even knew, and I confronted him and it all came out. I do believe he is trying to do ‘the right thing’ by fulfilling his obligations to his family. I don’t think it’s right or will ultimately work but I have to respect his choice, and I have done.
But no I don’t think he’s staying out of love for his wife, particularly given how she has treated him (which I know to be true independently and not from what he’s told me) and given what he’s told me, not because there was any agenda in ‘keeping me on the hook’ at this point so far down the line and not even intending to contact me, but because it is the truth. There would literally be no point for him to pretend otherwise now, we weren’t speaking with any intention of restarting anything, more the opposite.
And yes understandably I do think given the above he does miss me and his feelings were and are genuine. And no, I don’t feel any kind of ‘personal victory’ over that. I actually think the whole thing is very sad for everyone.
no I don’t feel aggrieved that I wasn’t ‘chosen’. I don’t think in all circumstances it’s as simple as that, and it’s not an ego thing for me anyway. I also don’t think the fact he didn’t ditch his entire life and young family is a reflection on how he feels about me. In fact my exH ‘left his wife’ for me (he lied to me and said they were separated. They weren’t.) and that man near enough destroyed my life. He couldn’t have ‘loved’ me less if he tried. So no, from experience, I don’t believe he loves you = he leaves his wife, and he doesn’t = he doesn’t give a shit.
life is so much more nuanced than that. And no I’m also not trying to ‘pacify’ myself. I think it’s quite clear from my responses I’m not remotely emotional about it, and have just tried to explain an alternative viewpoint. I am neither trying to defend or to make myself feel or look good in any way, but am literally just presenting another way of looking at things based on my experience… and that in my experience, for various reasons, the MM did communicate with me afterwards, has done things that demonstrate he still has feelings for me despite no consistent contact, and yes I do think his reason for not leaving is primarily his children for the reasons I’ve outlined. Whether that is helpful for the OP is up to her, but I was answering what was asked.
I also didn’t intend to hijack the thread but I am just responding to the attempts on here to have a go 😅 I understand it’s easier to assume anyone who has been the OW is the devil incarnate, likewise with the MM, but as I said, situations can and often are more complex than that. There were a very certain set of circumstances that lead to me getting involved with someone who was married (though of course I’m not absolving myself of any responsibility) and I would never do it again.