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Original poster

How many men go back to the OW?

210 replies

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:30

Just wondered how many men come clean about an affair (out of the blue), say they want to give the relationship another go, and then go back to the OW?

OP posts:
Maze76 · 18/10/2023 22:17

My ex came back, said he wanted to work the marriage.. he just wanted back in the house and push me out of it.
We had no children, and now I never will. It was cruel and unnecessary- so please do yourself the biggest favour - leave him.

Jonti23 · 18/10/2023 22:35

RedSledgeEater · 18/10/2023 19:48

To be clear, I don't think they "genuinely" love the wife and want to be with the wife. They want the other stuff. The home, the kids, cooking, cleaning. Their own money etc.

If he loved the wife, the 2 year affair and being "in love" with the OW wouldn't have happened. He might "love who you are" and have feelings for you, but not in the way you want. Not the way you love him, and not the way he "loves" the OW.

Oh what a load of bollocks.

To be honest, it’s all the other stuff really, dirty cheap sex for free and it means he does not love the OW at all really because if he did it would be clear cut.

Oh guess what any cheater only loves themselves anyhow so it’s not about the DW or the OW, it’s about what they get out of it, like say for example the ego trip they need to function. Normal balanced people do not need it to function, but the pricks do.

justwatchingtelly · 18/10/2023 22:35

RedSledgeEater · 18/10/2023 19:48

To be clear, I don't think they "genuinely" love the wife and want to be with the wife. They want the other stuff. The home, the kids, cooking, cleaning. Their own money etc.

If he loved the wife, the 2 year affair and being "in love" with the OW wouldn't have happened. He might "love who you are" and have feelings for you, but not in the way you want. Not the way you love him, and not the way he "loves" the OW.

This.

The affair, and OW is based on fantasy, not real life.

Jonti23 · 18/10/2023 22:39

Specso · 18/10/2023 19:58

This sums it up.

You don’t have a 2 year affair with someone you love if you really loved your wife.

He may care for his wife and feel love in a ‘family member’ type way and think you are a lovely woman with nice qualities etc but no man who is ‘in love’ with his wife would have a 2 year love affair with someone else. It just wouldn’t happen if you were really in love with your wife. A one off ‘mistake’ with no feelings involved then maybe but not 2 years.

Show quote history

Gee there is too much emphasis on who the man loves, who he chooses, as in who gives a fk? Ask yourself if you give a shit about him, what’s in it for you, what makes you happy is more important. Feelings of love are transient and forever shifting like sand dunes. Really go by what you want for you and your kids.

Nogooddeed7 · 18/10/2023 22:54

I’d leave him. 2 years. This tells me he has feelings for the other woman but wants to retain his life style

ClareBlue · 18/10/2023 23:05

If he cheated, lied, deceived you for two years who cares who he might or might not love. Just leave him. You'll never really trust him again and he will think he can get away with it and do it again. How many lies has he told you and how easy are they to him. Let him lie to someone else.

Ilovelurchers · 18/10/2023 23:46

My daughter's dad is with the OW now but only because I ended it with him. He would definitely be with me if he had the choice (and as far as I can tell she knows this too, so why she is with him mystifies me).

My dad is with the OW too (my mom). He left his wife for her.

So yeah, they have liked the OW enough to sleep with her and risk their marriage, so the possibility of ending up with her is always there......

(Same in reverse true too for women who have affairs with the OM).

bronkie · 19/10/2023 00:36

Specso · 18/10/2023 19:04

Not many come clean out of the blue they’re usually caught. They then beg to stay in the relationship/marriage and vow to end affair and go no contact with OW. They go to therapy, make lots of effort etc.

Then they start seeing OW again (if they ever stopped) or a new OW and end up leaving on their own terms when THEY decide. If they were in love with the OW and it was a long term thing then there’s a very high chance of them carrying it on or going back.

I have no idea why so many men do this and why it’s such a depressingly common way that these things play out. Obviously it doesn’t always go that way but it does very often. I honestly think they beg to stay and make a big show of trying to make it work with their wife so they don’t look like a complete bastard to all their mutual friends and family. Then when they eventually leave they can tell everyone they ‘tried’.

Yup this was my ex H. Begged and cried to stay then ran off a few years later when she left her H.

jlpth · 19/10/2023 00:53

Very unusual to just confess and ask to try again/work at it.

because there would be no need to trying again/work if the wife never know. It’s like an act of self sabotage giving your spouse good reason to dump you

Much more likely is that someone threatened to tell the wife. This could be anyone, even ow herself.

Susieb2023 · 19/10/2023 06:41

@Jonti23 yep, this thread is shocking. It reads as if affairs are some mills and boons choice between true luv and misery and drudgery with the wife. Who they’ll choose because of kids, finances etc. Then go back to true luv in the end.

@notanotherstat Affairs of this nature are nothing to do with the wife and most definitely little to do with the AP. It could have been anyone broken enough to have an affair and accept pathetic broken shards from a married lover.

Affairs like this one, are all about self. Ego stroking, filling holes they can’t fill with self love, selfish and entitled. And highly addictive hence the returns.

Many try to go back to the partner because they genuinely realise that the affair is a fantasy and then feel like they’ve had a bucket of cold sick thrown over them as the highs become less high and the limerance fades. Read the stats for affair partners longevity and you see clearly it’s nothing to do with true luv!

Limerance is known to fade in six to eighteen months. Fits this man’s timeline. Suddenly you’re left thinking wtf. He may well have been told that if didn’t tell you she would who knows. I’m reconciled, not sure I could accept a two year hidden affair I knew nothing about because he is good at compartmentalising and lying but I’ve seen it done with a cheating partner who truly wants to change and deal with THEIR issues!!!

But Mumsnet is not the place for affair advice. As I said get yourself on surviving infidelity, affair recovery videos are really good too and read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and watch. Cheats are not a good bet unless they deal with their internal issues, not who they ‘loved’ more!

Trouble is if they don’t find their answers, they will still chase the highs next time the opportunity arises most likely with a different AP.

Dweetfidilove · 19/10/2023 10:32

Did he come clean because he was threatened?

CornishClott · 19/10/2023 11:20

A Lott of them turn into utter shits at home so the wife kicks them out and they don't look like rotters for leaving . And lo and behold a couple of months in out pops the OW who he then declares has saved his life after he was discarded by his wife .

TheGoddessFrigg · 19/10/2023 11:37

Frankly, if someone can sucesfully deceive you for two years- how could you ever trust them again?

Original poster
notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 12:11

More than anything I just want to know if he really does love me or if he loves her. I know it doesn't change anything but I just need to know. Or maybe he loves no one but himself?

He said he told me because he wanted to leave to be with her but when it came down to it he couldn't because he wants his family.

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 19/10/2023 12:54

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 12:11

More than anything I just want to know if he really does love me or if he loves her. I know it doesn't change anything but I just need to know. Or maybe he loves no one but himself?

He said he told me because he wanted to leave to be with her but when it came down to it he couldn't because he wants his family.

Jeez. Make the decision for him, then. If they're star crossed lovers, they'll thank you for setting them free to be together.

Vretz · 19/10/2023 13:20

notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 12:11

More than anything I just want to know if he really does love me or if he loves her. I know it doesn't change anything but I just need to know. Or maybe he loves no one but himself?

He said he told me because he wanted to leave to be with her but when it came down to it he couldn't because he wants his family.

Yeah he should be begging. In a former life, I was in a relationship where we both cheated on each other. She was the mother of my kids. She cheated again and it all went bang horrendously.

The answer here to him is "be on your own mate, sort yourself out, if we are meant to be then in 3-6 months time we can have the discussion."

At that point, if he is with her, you have your answer. If he's solo, then you'll have a clear enough head to establish if you can trust the guy again.

pumpkinsareshortlived · 19/10/2023 13:28

Susieb2023 · 19/10/2023 06:41

@Jonti23 yep, this thread is shocking. It reads as if affairs are some mills and boons choice between true luv and misery and drudgery with the wife. Who they’ll choose because of kids, finances etc. Then go back to true luv in the end.

@notanotherstat Affairs of this nature are nothing to do with the wife and most definitely little to do with the AP. It could have been anyone broken enough to have an affair and accept pathetic broken shards from a married lover.

Affairs like this one, are all about self. Ego stroking, filling holes they can’t fill with self love, selfish and entitled. And highly addictive hence the returns.

Many try to go back to the partner because they genuinely realise that the affair is a fantasy and then feel like they’ve had a bucket of cold sick thrown over them as the highs become less high and the limerance fades. Read the stats for affair partners longevity and you see clearly it’s nothing to do with true luv!

Limerance is known to fade in six to eighteen months. Fits this man’s timeline. Suddenly you’re left thinking wtf. He may well have been told that if didn’t tell you she would who knows. I’m reconciled, not sure I could accept a two year hidden affair I knew nothing about because he is good at compartmentalising and lying but I’ve seen it done with a cheating partner who truly wants to change and deal with THEIR issues!!!

But Mumsnet is not the place for affair advice. As I said get yourself on surviving infidelity, affair recovery videos are really good too and read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and watch. Cheats are not a good bet unless they deal with their internal issues, not who they ‘loved’ more!

Trouble is if they don’t find their answers, they will still chase the highs next time the opportunity arises most likely with a different AP.

Edited

Absolutely agree with this 100%.

Read this the other day written by a straying man trying to explain and seems to ring true for many involved in affairs, which along with the excitement and secrecy are highly addictive especially for those entitled men who can compartmentalise wife/OW easily. Women who discover their partners/ husband's having an affair often describe the behaviour as appearing as though aliens had abducted their spouses and whilst returning in body, they were living with someone who had totally changed - all due to limerence, which we all knows wears off eventually.

"Love Isn't a Simple, Fleeting Feeling.
I craved feelings I labeled as love, feelings that came from having someone I valued, value me in return. When I found this, it made me feel like I was "all that." In fact, the more I esteemed the other person, the stronger the effect. But what I really loved was how they made me feel about myself. The reflection of my image in their eyes made me feel amazing. But that wasn't love. Love is the grace my wife extends to me, not when I deserve it, but rather when I least deserve it.
Let's say we were playing ball and broke a store window, and then we confessed what we'd done to the shop's owner. If they charged us for the damage, it would be justice. If they said, "Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it," that would be mercy. If they said they'd take care of it and then invited us out for ice cream, their treat, that would be grace because we got something much nicer than we deserved. Grace is getting what you don't deserve.
My wife gave me "ice cream" for "breaking the window." She continued to love me after I broke her heart. The difference between the two loves is amazing:

  • The first type of love made me feel good about myself. It was selfish and never enough.
  • The second type of love left me feeling cared for, not because of who I was, but rather in spite of who I was. This love transformed me.
If only I'd known the meaning of true love — the second type of love — perhaps I wouldn't have been so self-centered. Maybe, just maybe, I could've cared for others instead of only thinking about myself."
justread · 19/10/2023 13:35

@pumpkinsareshortlived wow. That is powerful.

LongtimeOW · 19/10/2023 13:59

I have been having a long term affair, its been a lot of years.

She knows about it, he's been caught out a few times

So, the questions you have asked....does her love the OW, probably yes. My MM def loves me BUT he's a coward and scared. He uses excuses like his kids won't talk to him again, his wife will be left on her own, he'll lose his friends, all sorts of bullshit but the harsh reality is he wants his cushy life at home, to keep his house, to keep his money, to keep his kids (who are both adults) and to keep his friends. He worries about being judged, and what people think of him, as he needs everyone to say what a good bloke he is.

He's been to marriage counselling both separately and with his wife, he lied his way through it. He is waiting and wanting her to end the marriage so he can say he's tried, that it wasn't his call to end things as he simply is not brave enough to initiate the ending. He is unhappy, she is unhappy, their marriage is dead. Both too scared to change though.

He probably does love you though OP, if for nothing but the history you have together. But he will never give you his full being, give your relationship what it needs and what you deserve if his head is turned.

StoneColdAlibi · 19/10/2023 14:17

Are you the wronged wife or the OW in this situation? Your posts read like it's possibly the latter?

MachineBee · 19/10/2023 14:18

notanotherstat · 18/10/2023 18:48

Why do they bother coming clean and wanting to work on the relationship to then just go back to the OW though?

Because they realise they need to get their ducks in a row need to hide their assets

Original poster
notanotherstat · 19/10/2023 14:44

I just don't see how I can ever get past this. I've always read the anger comes but it hasn't yet.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 19/10/2023 14:47

If you loved someone, would you betray them time and time again? Would you lie to them repeatedly?

Cos that is what he has done. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't respect you either.

Read the ChumpLady website a PP linked to: what he loves is kibbles - any kibbles, from anyone.

spookehtooth · 19/10/2023 15:08

Never having cheated, this is a guess based on my understanding of general human psychology and experience dealing with difficult life changes. Ending relationships is difficult, especially with dependent kids involved, for me anyways.

I'd guess that coming clean or getting caught is the first time they're confronted with actually having to think about the consequences and what they want. Cheating is probably little more than something to soothe some of the symptoms. It removes the need to face up to it

I'd imagine once revealed panic over change means choosing the "safe" option for many, if it's available. It's decision made quickly under pressure

However the cogs don't stop moving, they carry on processing the reality of ending the relationship and dealing with it. So of it's not fixable, they end it if they can deal with it or cheat again if they can't