Calling out daughter in law

[Diggin]

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

Oh wow. Keep your nose out

You really need to stay out of it. I'd like to hear what she has to say.

It tends to be that one partner ends up doing more child care and more house work. Would you be biting your lip if it was your daughter in law who was doing the majority of the child care and housework and your DS was the higher earner?

I’d like to see her side. Working a better paying job usually means more hours and more hard work so if another person is taking up the slack at home to have the better life that extra money brings then that’s not unusual.

What does she actually do in the house . What does she do for the kids . How many hours do they both work . More details needed but having said that , I think zip your lips .

Stay well out of it. You have no idea what truly goes on in their conversations or the agreement they've made with each other.

Bite your lip

If you said son in law and your daughter you would get completely difference responses. It must be hard but honestly, you'll only lose not gain from saying anything.

It's really up to them how they divide up the work in their household. Has he actually complained to you that he thinks it's unfair or is unhappy with the situation? If he has not complained to you it's best to keep your nose completely out and not say anything to either of them.
If he has complained to you you need to encourage him to bring it up with his wife. Maybe help him come up with ideas to take to her about how better to split the housework.
Do not get personally involved. It's for them to negotiate between themselves.

Maybe she does all the am breakfast school stuff and later in the day he does the other stuff, we split based on me having more beans in the am and him being a night owl . I run out of energy after work

Is he unhappy, or are you unhappy that your son and DiL have divided up their household not along traditional gender lines?

I’m sure if the sexes were reversed and you son was waited on, you would think this was normal for female parent to do all the work. Maybe you’re my MIL.

Bite your lip and keep your nose out.

How did you get on with your previous daughter in law and how would you feel if your son had the better paying job and he treated her like his skivvy?

What are some examples of what she does?

I only clicked and read the OP to double check it wasn't my MIL 😁 anyone else?

Has your son complained to you about this?

It’s none of your business, if your DS feels things aren’t fair in the relationship he needs to discuss it with his wife like an adult, not get his mother involved like a child.

Yup 🤣

That must be a tough situation if you feel your son isnt being treated right. But it is only a snapshot of their marriage.

Do you think he is unhappy?

Seems legit.

It's tough, but it's almost never a good idea to give unsolicited relationship advice. That is, assuming the relationship isn't abusive in any way (which it doesn't sound like this one is).

I wonder what reactions there would be if this was the OP's DD whose husband was expecting her to do the lion's share of the housework and be a skivvy. No doubt they would be defending her and insisting the poor thing gets a break.

My husband suddenly “jumps into action” when his parents are round our house. I end up sitting back because it’s not the norm. Maybe your son is doing then same.

Basically, stay out of a marriage/relationship that isn’t yours.

Maybe OP is concerned. Maybe it’s the case that she should stand back. Obviously if she wants to ask something it’s better just to speak to her son if worried, not the DIL. I know if I thought my adult child was being mistreated I might be concerned.

Why there are so many rude posts saying the same thing “keep your nose out” in such an unpleasant and aggressive manner, it’s awful. And then the pile on of open contempt for the OP 🙄.

Anyway, I’m sorry OP you have been spoken to like this, it was totally undeserved.

So to clarify -
They both do the same number of work hours plus commute, then on top of that, your son does all the housework and is the primary carer? Is that right? It's an unusual situation certainly.