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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Calling out daughter in law

238 replies

Diggin · 17/10/2023 21:32

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

OP posts:
Bluela18 · 17/10/2023 22:24

Honestly, definitely keep out. Noone wants a meddling MIL in their relationship. If that's how they divide their time with chores that's their business. If your son is not happy he can discuss it with his wife without his mum getting involved.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/10/2023 22:28

She’s the breadwinner, and I bet her hours at work reflect that. You need to check your internalised misogyny, and also the ‘precious baby’ mentality you seem to have about your son.

thistimelastweek · 17/10/2023 22:33

Irishwitchsocks · 17/10/2023 21:56

I only clicked and read the OP to double check it wasn't my MIL 😁 anyone else?

I thought it might be my daughter's MIL

minieggsandmaltesers · 17/10/2023 22:46

Hibiscrubbed · 17/10/2023 22:28

She’s the breadwinner, and I bet her hours at work reflect that. You need to check your internalised misogyny, and also the ‘precious baby’ mentality you seem to have about your son.

THIS^
Stay out of it.

Codlingmoths · 17/10/2023 22:48

I find I have to hand my husband more of the practical stuff sometimes because he is not going to do the mental stuff. So people see him grocery shopping with kids, cooking, taking them to sports, buying them shoes… and they don’t see me planning our entire lives, saying they need shoes, finding activities s for them, sorting their clothes, booking holidays, cutting their nails, tidying the house, cleaning out stuff… we don’t have enough information. I also out earn my husband and i bet my mother in law has thought like you do at times, she could not be more wrong.

starsinyourpies · 17/10/2023 22:50

Irishwitchsocks · 17/10/2023 21:56

I only clicked and read the OP to double check it wasn't my MIL 😁 anyone else?

Yep.

Loubelle70 · 17/10/2023 23:38

TinChristmas · 17/10/2023 21:51

I’m sure if the sexes were reversed and you son was waited on, you would think this was normal for female parent to do all the work. Maybe you’re my MIL.

This!
What happens in their house is none of your business. They're adults.

Loubelle70 · 17/10/2023 23:38

starsinyourpies · 17/10/2023 22:50

Yep.

Show quote history

😂

Loubelle70 · 17/10/2023 23:39

minieggsandmaltesers · 17/10/2023 22:46

THIS^
Stay out of it.

Show quote history

This^^

Loubelle70 · 17/10/2023 23:44

OP doesn't like her DIL...finding excuses..coming on here to get people to agree then probably show her son the comments if it fits her narrative. Im disgusted. Im not sure its a genuine post.. how can anyone be so brazen to come on MN and post this lol

JustAMinutePleass · 17/10/2023 23:45

Use it to your advantage to get 1-2-1 time with your gc (it’s the grandparents of the main caregiver who generally tend to build a closer relationship as they rely on them more), enjoy your gc, and leave the parenting to your DS and dil.

KingsleyBorder · 17/10/2023 23:47

The phrase is “bite your tongue” people, not your lip!

Millybob · 17/10/2023 23:51

Call her out? Fisticuffs in the car park?
Are you sure your problem isn't that she earns more than your precious son?

Loubelle70 · 17/10/2023 23:55

JustAMinutePleass · 17/10/2023 23:45

Use it to your advantage to get 1-2-1 time with your gc (it’s the grandparents of the main caregiver who generally tend to build a closer relationship as they rely on them more), enjoy your gc, and leave the parenting to your DS and dil.

Im not sure id want OP around my kids if she thought these things about me as a DIL. Poisoning kids minds is strong possibility

CrotchetyQuaver · 17/10/2023 23:59

I think the best thing you could do to help would be to show your son how to keep a nice house with tiny children. It may well be she's treating him, to use your words, like a skivvy, because he's not doing a very good job of running the house and kids and so she's frustrated when she comes home from work and it's chaos.
I wouldn't say anything to her no, that won't achieve anything positive, I'd just support your son the way some mothers would have supported their daughters when they had to become housewives and shod them how to do a good job.

AndWordsWhen · 18/10/2023 00:04

Go for it. Get stuck in. Every DIL needs to be put in their place by their MIL. There must be other stuff you can throw in too - how about how she dresses? Too much makeup? It's not good she earns more - you need to make her feel really bad about that. What about her parenting style? Bet that's not the same as yours, so it must be wrong.

Put her in her place, make sure she knows who's the boss and get your DS to have a go at her too.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/10/2023 00:11

How do you know? Could this just be when you're visiting
Or does son talk to you about it?

fulawitt · 18/10/2023 00:12

Bite, bite, bite. If you cannot bite,
Talk to your son.
Make sure he does not have mentionitis, the "I did it kind" : men love to be praised. " I have just changed 25 diapers in 10 seconds, hoovered, washed and ironed 233 items, folded them and put them away in the appropriate cupboard, still had time, so I cooked a stroganov, cleaned the oven afterwards, did a bit of gardening (a 30 mn lawn mowing and tidied up the borders -then I saw that the windows were not clean so I had to do them.) I think the bird nest and the insect hotel will really please cost center number one after the hour of activity that we ended up doing : I cannot tell you how I am proud of myself : I calmy helped her tidy up her 155 books, 400 toys and 350 crayons, I did not forget to use the steamer on her carpet. I am ordering next week shopping via Ocado do you need something by any means, I am organising a little get together with some friends and darling lily."

Honestly : Never have I ever met a man who works full time and does all the house work and the child rearing. That man does not exist. You see them everywhere. They are 100% fakes. Like a Rolex on the moon. It was an omega speedmaster.
Unless.
Their adjusting is a valid response to their reality.
Maybe they have just determined this is none of your business. At least for now.

May I suggest you dig deep and that before you start taking sides you truly investigate ?
I would bite and only talk to him for another reason: if I ever crossed a woman who works full time and does all the house work and all the child rearing (you know the omega master that actually go on the moon and back) : I would have to talk to her hubby, "why is that?" systematically.Not happening. I want to live. This is not figurative speech.
You are looking for a fight. Is this wise ?

Iknowthis1 · 18/10/2023 00:13

Don't say anything.

You'll lose your son and your grandchildren.

Sheselectric22 · 18/10/2023 00:20

Mil I didn't know you were on MN

WastingTimeOnTheInternet · 18/10/2023 00:23

Before we went LC/NC with MIL she used to undermine my parenting and made me feel so shit about myself that I would ask DH to be in charge of the DC around her because I couldn’t stand the constant digs. Could it be the same in your situation?

Worddance · 18/10/2023 00:23

What do you think you could say that might be constructive and not divisive?

Your dil probably already knows your views - lip biting doesn't usually work!

LuluBlakey1 · 18/10/2023 00:31

Diggin · 17/10/2023 21:32

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

Put a big cork in your gob and keep it there.

NumberTheory · 18/10/2023 00:32

Don’t confront your DiL, that’s not your place at all and the most likely result would be that you become ostracized from your son’s family. Make sure your son knows he can talk to you and that you are there for him. The situation may not be as unfair as you think, or it may be worse, but you won’t be seeing the full picture from outside and, in any case, this needs to be something your son decides on, not you.

FrostieBoabby · 18/10/2023 00:44

Wife number 1 probably ran for the hills to get away from her interfering MIL.