Calling out daughter in law

[Diggin]

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

It’s their marriage. Leave them to it and be proud that you raised a good son.

People who “call out” other people are insufferable, in my experience. Stay out of your adult child’s marriage.

Why did his previous partner go back to her parents with their child? Was it over housework/childcare?

It may be your DIL is taking advantage OP, or it may be that they prefer this arrangement, or maybe there is some other issue you don't know about.

As long as he's not being abused, and isn't asking you for help, I'd stay out of it.

I had the better paying job and my husband worked from home. He did more of the housework and childcare. Some of my hours were mad - occasionally working through the night. Our children are adults and now he is retired early and playing golf 3 times a week. I am still at work to ensure we have a comfortable retirement so it is swings and roundabouts.

I would not say a work to your son or your DIL and I wouldn't be making any snide remarks either. I guess it just depends how much you want to see your DGC. As I used to say to my children when they were about to do something dangerous or silly, "Is any good likely to come of this?" The answer in your case is a resounding "no".

Butt out not your business.

Didn’t know my mil was on mumsnet. I earn a lot more than my partner, and he does most of the cooking. But what mil doesn’t see is I do all the admin, doctors visits with dc, cleaning, washing and tidying. She sees him batch cooking or doing the weekly shop and thinks he’s wonder dad. He isn’t we are a team both pulling our weight.

Mil if this post is real, butt out. Because my mil is like this and we see her VERY infrequently and she is not allowed to be with dc alone.

How do you know all this, do you live with them 24/7 , has your son told you or is this just what you've seen during visits?
Whichever it is, it's none of your business. You do not interfere in your adult children's relationships unless they specifically ask for your help

My husband used to do a great impression of a blue arsed fly whenever his parents were over (fortunately not often). He’d go off to make a cup of tea, start the kettle, run back in, tidy some toys, go back to the kitchen, bring through a tray, let the dog out, check the youngest didn’t need a nappy change, let the dog in, pick up his cup, oh, it’s cold, should I make fresh, pick up a toy on the way back to the kitchen.

I used to sit on the couch thinking wtf is he playing at??

Eventually I pointed out there was a reason his mother wasn’t fond of me, it was his act of having to do everything.

Edited to add…

when our eldest was a baby my husband could fit the sentence “when I was up last night with the baby” into any conversation on any subject. I eventually told him to cut it out, he made it seem like I did bugger all.

So, yes, bite your lip, you have no idea what their lives are really like when you’re not there.

@Elmer83 snap. My PIL probably think DH does everything as he’s all hands on and active when they are around. I too let him get on with it when this happens because this and when friends visit is the only time he is busy around the house.

My advice to you is to say nothing to your dil about the amount of work your son seems to do in the house and with his children. The reality is that she is the higher earner, she might have to bring work home or work longer hours at times.
If you say something to her I can guarantee she won't be happy. She probably will say something to him did you complain to your mother about me. She could also tell you a few home truths as well.
Her and him might have decided to do this to make life easier. The reality is that for years woman were carrying the house,kids and admin load when the higher earning husband worked long hours. Now the husband's are doing this.

You don't know your son's and daughter in law's plans long term. Maybe your dil is doing the long hours now to build up her career, to get into a senior role and perhaps get to a stage of more family friendly hours on a good salary down the line.

If you want you could show or suggest things to your son that made life easier for you in the house or when your kids were small. Perhaps you could offer to mind the kids an odd night to let him and her have a night out or mind them on Saturday. I know couples with small kids and having some children free time is welcome.

I would also consider that as you get older you might be glad to have kept up a good relationship with your son and dil because in time you might need their help.

Yeah, I have seen the I do everything around the house act in front of parents too. And whether or not this Op is genuinely a MIL or just someone wanting to prove that women are biased against men, FWIW I have been in the situation of being treated like a skivvy by an ex.

And there was no way that I would want mummy or daddy stepping in and interfering with my relationship. I am a grown ass woman. I can sort out my own relationship issues. I can’t see why a grown ass man can’t resolve his own relationship issues without mummy getting involved.

I dont get the question. There is nothing wrong with this. Well done for raising a son who knows how to be a primary caree and do housework (if that is true). Dont say anything.

I'd say keep your beak out. Absolutely none of your business.

Congratulations for bringing up a son who will be happy to do housework and child rearing and work out a scheme that works well with his spouse.
Couples often do not share household tasks equally but in a way that is best to manage their own unique circumstances.

I love visiting my son and helping out with dishes, washing and child care (as that is what he is usually up to). I am proud of his home making skills and how he understands the washing machine just as well as the lawn mower.

Your son does all the jobs at your house so he doesn’t have to talk to people. He’d rather leave his wife to talk to you.

Sorry you’re having such a rough ride op, although my advice is bite hard I hear you. My son also does everything, though he’s the main breadwinner with a stressful job and dil works part-time. Family events she bosses him nonstop whilst she sits on her arse, we are all raging but it’s their marriage and I gently (without berating dil) ask my son if he needs any help. Heartbreaking thing the other week my granddaughter came out with daddy does lots of things with us but mummy just sits playing on her phone, I’ve seen this at first hand and she ignores both little ones, context is she’s 4 with no agenda.

They do have active support from both grandmothers and aunties, I just think dil is overwhelmed but son is picking up all the slack and his physical/mental health is clearly suffering.

All dil are not saints, however all sons aren’t bastards either. It’s hard to watch but best to offer support as you will end up being the worst in the world and your relationship with everyone will suffer, no doubt including your son. Sending hugs xx

People often vastly overestimate how much men are doing around the house and with the kids since men pulling their weight appears to be outside the norm to many.

Genuinely it’s none of your business. How they divide hose hood chores is up to them, and I’m sure there are lots of things that influence those decisions that you know nothing about. I let my DH do most of the hosting when his parents come over- because it’s his parents. Does he look like he’s the “skivvy” for a few hours whilst they’re round? Probably. But that has no bearing on how we share chores generally when they are not here.

If you worry that your son has self esteem and self worth issues, then support him with that but stay out of his relationship.

So his ex left and took their child, that rarely happens for no reason. Your son may not be the angel you think he is or did you interfere in that one too? I would stay out of this relationship tbh if you don’t want the same thing to happen again.

1. is it actually unequal or does it simply appear that way (to you) because you’re subconsciously expecting a different division of labour? As pp said, people may tend to often over estimate male contributions. It’s also possible that she does more “invisible” chores like life admin.
2. is everything actually equal in regards to their professions (apart from their wages)? It is perfectly normal for one spouse do more around the house if the other spouse has a more demanding job, works longer hours, has a longer commute etc.
3. Is it actually unequal or do you simply not like the division of labour?

if these issues don’t apply and you have cause to believe that your son is in an abusive / coercive relationship:
no, I do not think that you should confront her.

be there for him. Make sure that he does not lose his connection to you/his family.
always have an open ear.
don’t judge him.

Shock horror !

Adult does housework and childcare despite being male!

Honestly OP, mind your own business. Their arrangements are nothing to do with you.

Stay out of it. None of your business.

MYOB.

Not your relationship, not your kids, not your business.