Calling out daughter in law

[Diggin]

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

I tried to find it that's why I threw my dummy out. Her son can't do no wrong.

You sound an utter nightmare and deluded…glad you’re not my MIL!

Diggin - your son sounds like bad luck follows him. I don’t imagine this relationship will last.

so just hold tight. He will move back in with you soon enough and have his children every other weekend. You can do all his cooking and cleaning - he won’t have to do any ‘women’s work’.

My word, OP. You really think your son can do no wrong, don’t you? He was sacked for gross misconduct as a teacher and you blame literally everyone else. 😂

You blame his ex and his current partner for his shit relationship with his son, and now you’re laying into the current partner because you’ve decided she’s lacking (even though you admit to not actually knowing what happens when you’re not there, she’s the breadwinner and she’s looking after two children).

If I were the DIL I’d go on strike every time you darkened my door, also.

Yeah, sorry OP. Stop trying to live your son’s life and focus on your own. It’s literally none of your business, and if he needs mummy to step in and stand up to his big, bad wife for him he shouldn’t be married and certainly shouldn’t have kids.

Back off. Only the people in the relationship really know what’s going on between them, and what form they decide they want their relationship to take is entirely up to them. Just because it’s not what you’d want doesn’t mean it’s not what he wants or what is right for him.

So yeah… zip it or you risk losing your family, and maybe look at how your own attitude could easily be perceived as inappropriate, overbearing and monster-in-lawish. Be the mother in law you’d wish to have.

If she is on maternity leave for a year and he is still going to work and you say he does all the childcare and housework, she does none; who is looking after the children while he is at work?

I am guessing that she is looking after the children while he is at work. So, obviously he is not doing all the childcare and housework if he is going to work. Somebody else is doing that while he is at work. Most likely it’s your daughter in law.

Being the stay at home parent (even just for a year while on maternity leave) is hard work. Having a baby and a 3 year old is hard work.

When you are visiting and your son is doing the parenting, cooking, hosting, housework; it is probably the only break she gets.

Well so long as your son is happy? what does it matter who does what etc.

So DIL is being silently judged and criticized online by someone she is polite enough to invite into her home. How lovely.

Whatever you do, Do Not Say Anything.

You really risk losing a good relationship between all of you if you cause conflict.

Whatever you see or think, you do not know what is happening behind the scene.

Support her with kindness, she has just had a baby.

Do you not remember how horrendously exhausting that can be?

You may have swam through it, but I certainly didn’t. The first year was horrendous.

what sort of chores could he be doing when you're there? i can hardly imagine him scrubbing the floors when his parents are around so what is it? if he's handling cooking on a day his mum
visits it seems only fair

You remind me of my mum whenever my brother is in the firing line - it's NEVER him in the wrong. Despite being arrested, despite doing things right in front of her - nope. He's done nothing wrong, everything is always everyone else in his life's fault.

It's tragic. Like Audrey on Corrie. "My darling (murderous) Stephen"

My mum too @PabloandGustheGreySquirrels

Men can do no wrong. When I divorced my ex for years of affairs and lies, her first comment was 'Well, you didn't always do his ironing. It takes two.'

Just a generation thing I hope!

When we have people/ family over for a meal, I do the following;
Send invitations/ find a date that works for everyone.
Do the cleaning/tidying on the day.
Plan the meal.

Shop for the meal.
Prepare the meal.

Tidy up the kitchen after cooking.
Set the table, buy and arrange flowers.

When everyone arrives, I am standing with a glass of wine in my hand and DH gets their drinks.
During the meal, I will do any final prep or cooking, serve, clear in between courses.

DH will often help serve during the meal, but after he does the final clear uo and loads the dish washer.

So our guests see me do very little. But see DH get drinks, serve and clear up. They would probably think that I'm lazy too. But they'd be wrong.