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Original poster

Calling out daughter in law

238 replies

Diggin · 17/10/2023 21:32

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

OP posts:
NalafromtheLionKing · 18/10/2023 08:17

Daz57 · 18/10/2023 08:13

I thought the same. Such rude comments on here.
There are ways of saying things which still show respect for another’s view. Be kind.

Show quote history

We are being kind, by stopping OP from making what could be the worst mistake of her life.

#bekind is a way of putting women (in this case, DIL) back in their boxes. It would be extremely unkind of OP to interfere in a relationship which does not concern her and of which she would only see a snapshot when she visits and not all of DIL’s stress, sleepless nights etc.

Original poster
Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:18

That’s fair comment and obviously the non visible stuff is a factor- and she probably does some of that. It is just the obvious expectation that he does all the child care cooking etc when we are present and she does next to nothing that grates

OP posts:
Original poster
Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:19

She’s on a years maternity leave ….

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 18/10/2023 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NalafromtheLionKing · 18/10/2023 08:21

Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:19

She’s on a years maternity leave ….

So who does the childcare while DS is at work and all the night feedings then?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 18/10/2023 08:24

Is this where the op admits her dil had a c-section 10 days ago and is breastfeeding a permanently attached tiny baby

Daz57 · 18/10/2023 08:25

As someone else said, I would chat to him privately and make sure that he is okay. No matter how old they are, we never stop worrying about our children!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 18/10/2023 08:25

Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:18

That’s fair comment and obviously the non visible stuff is a factor- and she probably does some of that. It is just the obvious expectation that he does all the child care cooking etc when we are present and she does next to nothing that grates

But that is when you’re there.

cooking and doing the house work when you - his side of the family is there - means that he is hosting you / his side of the family.

that seems perfectly normal to me. Why should the burden of hosting the in-laws fall on the woman? It usually does. But I find it refreshing that it does not in this case.

you’re saying she is on maternity leave and he works FT.
This presumably means that you’re primarily visiting them when he is not working. seeing as you wouldn’t see him interact with the children / do housework otherwise.

Wouldn’t it be normal to spend more time with the child / do more child care when he is home? Seeing as he will obviously do less in total due to working FT?

sounds like he’s simply supporting his partner.
and like you may not be used to this division of labour.

but even if this is coercive and or abusive (for reasons you have not provided yet). Calling her out won’t do anything. The best you can do is let your son know that you will be there for him, won’t judge him etc.

Bellyblueboy · 18/10/2023 08:25

Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:18

That’s fair comment and obviously the non visible stuff is a factor- and she probably does some of that. It is just the obvious expectation that he does all the child care cooking etc when we are present and she does next to nothing that grates

So when you visit he does the childcare? A couple of hours a week?

and he cooks for you?

she does nothing at all around the house all week and does no childcare or cooking or cleaning despite Being in maternity leave?

as others have asked are the children in daycare while your son works?

if this is truly the case does she maybe have post natal depression? If she isn’t working, isn’t caring for her small children and , can’t be left alone with them then that suggests a bigger problem.

but maybe do you not believe housework and childcare is for men and are you angry when you see your soon do it?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/10/2023 08:26

Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:18

That’s fair comment and obviously the non visible stuff is a factor- and she probably does some of that. It is just the obvious expectation that he does all the child care cooking etc when we are present and she does next to nothing that grates

OF COURSE he should do the cooking for HIS OWN parents. Why, on earth, should she do it?!?
The more you post op, the more it becomes clear that you are ingrained with internalised misogyny.

MyheartgoingBoomBoomBoom · 18/10/2023 08:27

Tbh OP, mumsnet isn’t the best place for MIL’s, they seem to be hated on here.
My BIL has been (and still is) in relationships like this (all my sister in laws have been nasty pieces of work), it broke my MIL’s heart but she could never say anything so just made sure she was there for her ds and dgc. That’s all you can do. I feel for you though, it must be a worry.

MissTrip82 · 18/10/2023 08:27

I’ve never met anyone who talks about calling people out who a) has the balls to do it and b) is anything other than an absolute dick who cannot take criticism directed at themselves no matter how keen they are to dish it out.

Why do you think your son grew up to be so weak and to have such poor judgment? As that’s what you’re indirectly accusing him of when you spout this rubbish about his marriage.

Desperateinseattle · 18/10/2023 08:29

Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:18

That’s fair comment and obviously the non visible stuff is a factor- and she probably does some of that. It is just the obvious expectation that he does all the child care cooking etc when we are present and she does next to nothing that grates

😂
keeps getting better

Naunet · 18/10/2023 08:29

You’re poor little innocent prince picking such evil women to make babies with. He’s an amazing man who apparently does all the childcare whilst he’s at work, and all the housework, proven by the fact that he cooks when you visit? Poor little lamb. 🙄

Original poster
Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:30

Sensible advice- thanks. It’s just feeling a bit triggered when I’m there

OP posts:
MotherEarthisaTerf · 18/10/2023 08:31

I know I’m mentally worse when the in laws are round. I’m more stressed - need to keep up appearances. And I’m more likely to ask DH to step up as they’re his parents.

im sure his parents think I’m dreadful but truth is when they’re gone everything reverts back to normal - standards and expectations slip. No one’s stressed. We all just function much better when no one is around to judge us.

Goldbar · 18/10/2023 08:31

I suspect you have taken the fact he does some stuff and extrapolated from this that he does everything.

Why do you think your DIL should cook for and host you, not your son?

Mikimoto · 18/10/2023 08:31

Is it just the fact that she earns more that annoys you? Have you called the church elders?
There is ALWAYS some imbalance with two working parents between hours worked/money earned/hours spent on house+kids. Looks like they've found their own routine, and they don't have to justify it for anyone.

Naunet · 18/10/2023 08:33

Diggin · 18/10/2023 08:30

Sensible advice- thanks. It’s just feeling a bit triggered when I’m there

You wouldn’t even notice if your DiL was doing the cooking and childcare when you visited, having a penis isn’t a free pass, try not being such a misogynist.

G5000 · 18/10/2023 08:34

Wait, you mean he takes care of children when he is off and cooks when you are visiting?
Rest of the time, she's home with a baby and a 3yo? That's really not the same as being primary carer and doing it all.

Topsyturvy33 · 18/10/2023 08:35

What would you hope to achieve by 'calling her out'.

Surely it would be better to focus on if your son is happy and take it from there.

At the weekend I had a birthday party for my youngest. DP made the food, did drinks etc and I did very little. I am more social than him so he was happy to have things to do, plus I had the day before made the cake, put the decorations up and done the food shopping. My point is, you don't see the full picture. My DP in general did more when I was on mat leave when he was there as he actually works long hours so this means mid week everything was on me.

Anonymouslyposting · 18/10/2023 08:40

Are you my MiL??? I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old and am on mat leave and I’m sure my MiL thinks this of me…

Every time she is here she talks about what an amazing father my DH is and how men wouldn’t do so much in her day. Every time he does housework she praises him like he’s invented it.

What she doesn’t get is that DH is obviously on his best behaviour when she’s around. He (fairly) wants to show her he’s a good father (which he is) and so he’s all over everything when she’s here. When she’s not not so much - he does enough but certainly not more than me.

Some things MiL doesn’t see which you may also be missing:

  • I do all night waking with the baby
  • I do all life admin - finances, shopping, holiday booking, kids activities, dealing with nursery, arranging and going to medical appointments, keeping on top of everyone (including her son’s) diaries etc.
  • I do all feeding of the baby (partly because I’m breastfeeding but so far I’ve done all weaning too)
  • I do all laundry and almost all cleaning (though not all tidying)
  • I do more childcare, though DH does what he can around a busy job.

Basically, unless you get both sides from them or you are watching them all of the time you have no idea how things are split when you aren’t there.

Do not “call out” your daughter in law. It is not your job to decide how things should be split in their relationship. I know my MiL thinks this of me and I don’t like it, if she was not my DH’s mother and my kids’ grandmother I’d be very happy never to see her again. But I can live with her disapproval as she (mostly) doesn’t “call me out” about it - if she started trying to tell me what to do in my relationship she wouldn’t be welcome in my house again. It’s rude and disrespectful and I would not let my kids see her treat me that way.

Allthecoolusernamesaregone · 18/10/2023 08:42

NalafromtheLionKing · 18/10/2023 08:12

On second thoughts, perhaps send a text/e-mail. How about:

“Dear DIL,

I have been meaning to say for a while that you seem to be a bit of a lazy cow. You seem to use every excuse under the sun (stressful job, main earner, frazzled mum of two tiny tots) to treat my precious DS as a skivvy to the point where he even has to change nappies and babysit his own kids sometimes.

Let me remind you that DS is from a proud line of penis-bearers and I do not appreciate your attempts to drag him kicking and screaming into the 21st century. He already did more than enough when helping you to conceive in the first place and the rest is on you.

From this point, please could you do all of the housework and childcare as well as your job, as is your birthright as a member of the inferior sex. When you have a minute, could you also please make arrangements to facilitate DS’ relationship with his previous DC as you were no doubt complicit in creating them too.

Your concerned MIL,

OP”

HTH

😂😂😂😂

TheCunctator · 18/10/2023 08:43

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 18/10/2023 00:51

People who “call out” other people are insufferable, in my experience. Stay out of your adult child’s marriage.

This!

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 18/10/2023 08:46

Do you offer to help out when you are there? Maybe she is fed up of not only working and parenting but also being expected to make you cups of tea and entertain you. Maybe she doesn't particularly like you so grabs a bit of rest time. Your ds being involved is a good thing, not only for the family and the children but if they were ever to split up he would have a much better case to have 50:50 shared care if he is an active and involved parent. I imagine that he has realised that there were faults on both sides in his last relationship and so wants to address them in this one.