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Original poster

Calling out daughter in law

238 replies

Diggin · 17/10/2023 21:32

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

OP posts:
Fartooold · 18/10/2023 06:53

God, there are some snotty responses here 🤨

Is he happy? Are the children happy? Is his wife happy?

That's all that matters at the end of the day. I have similar, my son works FT, DiL works PT, but son does just about everything, from school runs to full house clean. DiL cooks Sunday lunch and helps with bits and pieces of cleaning, but it works for them.

He always needed someone to look after and he found her - a marriage made in heaven😅 They are a very happy, content little family who I love dearly.

Dillane · 18/10/2023 06:58

Calling out get over yourself OP🙄

WonderingWanda · 18/10/2023 06:58

If your son has complained to you then encourage him to speak up but I don't think it's your place to wade in and talk to dil about it. Your son is an adult and needs to make his own choices.

This reminds me of my mil's horror that her son was doing his own ironing when we first got together, I gently pointed out that I worked ft too and why should I iron his shirts. Or later, the comments about 'modern men' doing so much with the babies etc. My mil is lovely but was a sahm so had a very different and more traditional housewife role and no concept of what it is like to be a working Mum. What was your own experience op? I wonder if you are basing your judgements on that.

Luddite26 · 18/10/2023 07:02

Keep your nose out and your mouth shut.

Birdsmakingnests · 18/10/2023 07:05

From one MIL to another …….

it’s very hard, but bite your tongue.

Jelllytot · 18/10/2023 07:07

Has your son said anything to you? Or is this just your observations?

DH has the better paying job and if you looked at what I did for DC and the house with a certain lens you might describe me as the "skivvy" but there is literally no other way we could manage things. DH does all nappies when he's home and whatever he can but ultimately he is fried and still has to work when he gets home.

Maybe their way just works for them and you're only seeing this from the outside. And outsiders can have a very skewed idea of what daily life is like.

Summerbay23 · 18/10/2023 07:07

Bite your lip

cptartapp · 18/10/2023 07:09

How often are you round there?

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/10/2023 07:10

littleripper · 17/10/2023 21:34

You really need to stay out of it. I'd like to hear what she has to say.

I wouldn't can you imagine that one. I work from home and earn far less and my partner still helps 50/50. He's soft to be allowing anyone to treat him like that. All you have to do is read between the lines he has a needy soul.

Jelllytot · 18/10/2023 07:11

WonderingWanda · 18/10/2023 06:58

If your son has complained to you then encourage him to speak up but I don't think it's your place to wade in and talk to dil about it. Your son is an adult and needs to make his own choices.

This reminds me of my mil's horror that her son was doing his own ironing when we first got together, I gently pointed out that I worked ft too and why should I iron his shirts. Or later, the comments about 'modern men' doing so much with the babies etc. My mil is lovely but was a sahm so had a very different and more traditional housewife role and no concept of what it is like to be a working Mum. What was your own experience op? I wonder if you are basing your judgements on that.

Oh gosh . DH does most of DC's nappies and my own dear mum commented on how it just wants right and frankly quite embarrassing.

Gettingbysomehow · 18/10/2023 07:12

I dont interfere in my DS and DiLs life at all. Ever. I am there to support them and nothing else. I would only interfere if there was domestic abuse of any kind. Which there isn't.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/10/2023 07:15

I would bite your tongue you won't be battling him it will be her. If it came to it and he had to choose he would obviously choose his wife and children and rightly so. That's their dynamic and you could be reading too much into it.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/10/2023 07:17

Jelllytot · 18/10/2023 07:11

Oh gosh . DH does most of DC's nappies and my own dear mum commented on how it just wants right and frankly quite embarrassing.

Show quote history

It could be a generation thing. My partner is older than me and he is disgusted when he sees a man pushing a pram. He says he doesn't want to work. He knows nothing about his work situation he assumes that he don't want to work.

honeylulu · 18/10/2023 07:18

This might be unfair.
Or you might not be seeing the whole picture.

Visitors to our house might well get the impression that my husband does more than me as he cooks more meals (60-70%) does all the laundry and hoovering. BUT I do all the other cleaning (including toilets), most of the kids drop off and pick ups, all school and household admin (school, activities, play dates, childcare, insurance, birthdays, Christmas, doctor, dentist, holidays, homework). All the mental load! I don't end up with any more free time I promise.

My mum is very disapproving and sees this as him "doing everything". But if we swapped roles I bet she would still say he "does everything". It's always the way. Women's work is invisible and valueless. Men are saints if they pick up a duster once a year. We both work FT too and I earn a lot more if that's relevant.

If your son hasn't asked you for help with that issue then it's not your business.

theduchessofspork · 18/10/2023 07:19

Why would you get involved?!

Perhaps she does much longer hours than him or does more than you think, but anyway he is an adult and can advocate for himself.

theduchessofspork · 18/10/2023 07:21

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/10/2023 07:17

It could be a generation thing. My partner is older than me and he is disgusted when he sees a man pushing a pram. He says he doesn't want to work. He knows nothing about his work situation he assumes that he don't want to work.

Show quote history

How old is he?!

Cave man old??

That is bizarre

Original poster
Diggin · 18/10/2023 07:24

Previous partner was a total narcissist and just couldn’t cope - also her parents were bullies and did everything to split them up. My son totally devoted to the child was devastated when she just upped sticks and went back to her parents

OP posts:
MinxJinx · 18/10/2023 07:24

Ha! Ex-mil used to say this about me. And ex didn’t even bloody work!

Ex was the laziest person I’ve ever met. He’d be telling her (and me) that he’d been running around all day, rushed off his feet.

Meanwhile I’d come home after 12 hours work to a filthy, smelly house. If any task or DIY needed doing I knew I’d have to do it.

I still did ALL the mental load and would occasionally direct him to do something. If he washed clothes he’d stick a huge pile in and leave it damp in a leaning tower in some corner.

The man thought if he’d hoovered once that was going above and beyond what a ‘house wife’ would do.

Ex-mil’s face when I told her the truth was a
picture (and she still only believed her poor put upon angel). He did fuck all, all day.

His World of Warcraft character would always mysteriously be levelled up at the end of the day though…

FlamingoQueen · 18/10/2023 07:27

If your son had the better paying job, you wouldn’t bat an eyelid at your dil doing the childcare and housework, would you?
I would keep out of it (you could just check privately with your son that he was ok) - you’ve seen how the mil interfering is never a good idea. Please don’t be that person.

redskytonights · 18/10/2023 07:29

You talk about them visiting so you don't actually live with them.
So you actually have absolutely no idea of how the jobs are split between them. DH was a master of always mentioning on his phone calls to his mum that he'd just done the hoovering and was about to make the dinner - if she'd extrapolated these snapshots she'd have come to the conclusion that I did virtually nothing.

mrshenny · 18/10/2023 07:30

Elmer83 · 17/10/2023 22:10

My husband suddenly “jumps into action” when his parents are round our house. I end up sitting back because it’s not the norm. Maybe your son is doing then same.

Basically, stay out of a marriage/relationship that isn’t yours.

My husband does this too, he loves to show he's a top notch Dad and literally does everything around other people (I just let him get on with it). I mean he IS a top notch Dad but I am a great mum too. But if you were at my mums house a few weeks ago you'd think he did literally everything all the time and I just put my feet up. Which is simply not true!

Original poster
Diggin · 18/10/2023 07:30

She’s on a year’s maternity leave. Sure her job is stressful when she’s doing it but no more than his and it’s the imbalance that upsets me plus she has made it impossible for my son to see his first child.

OP posts:
Hufflypuffly123 · 18/10/2023 07:31

No good can come of you saying anything.

You're committing the cardinal sins of being a MIL and suggesting that there is a household where a man might be doing more than a fair share.

hollyblueivy · 18/10/2023 07:34

Would you feel the same if it was the other way around?

KingsleyBorder · 18/10/2023 07:34

In what way is current wife making it impossible for your son to see his first child? Are you saying your DIL doesn’t give him any free time or something?