Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

241 replies

WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:12

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 16/10/2023 18:17

Is the house just in your name?

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:24

@Daffodil18 the house is just in my name. I pay the mortgage by myself.

OP posts:
Alphyn · 16/10/2023 18:33

You’re not ruining his life. He has failed to take responsibility and get a proper job for the past 2 years. If you’re feeling kind, you could give/lend him some of the proceeds from the sale so he can find some accommodation but he’s been living rent-free so I think he’s benefited from that already. You didn’t sign up to adopt a man-child.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 16/10/2023 18:38

Bollocks to that shit.

It's your house, he has no right to stay. Tell him he's got 2 weeks then change the locks.

His lack of appropriate planning does not mean you are his free accommodation for any longer than you want to!

OhcantthInkofaname · 16/10/2023 18:40

Sell the house.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:41

To be fair, everybody in real life tells me the same. I feel guilty as he gave up a flat to move in with me. What is wrong with me, I am never this nice!

OP posts:
Millybob · 16/10/2023 18:42

So 'we' decided to get a new house - but you're the one paying the mortgage?
You're a mug! Sling the lazy arse out and let him go back to however he was living before. He's not your responsibility.
Don't do guilt!

TheCunctator · 16/10/2023 18:44

He has to move out, but I think the friendship is probably over.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:44

@OhcantthInkofaname I have considered selling the house, but I'd like to get it ready for sale, which I cannot really do well with his stuff all over it. I know what sells and how to present it, but it needs to be empty as buyers will not look past stuff and will want to see all rooms in the pictures.

Also, I just spent ??k on this house, and I'd like to not lose more money on it by having to sell when I'm not ready.

OP posts:
Millybob · 16/10/2023 18:45

I bet he gave up a flat that he was paying rent for to move in with you cost-free! Wasn't dragging his feet then, was he?
Two weeks' notice and locks changed would be generous.

tribpot · 16/10/2023 18:45

Why will he lose his business if he's in shared accommodation?

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:48

@tribpot he might not, but it is likely. I am angry as I bought a house that is more than I need (including garage and parking and 3rd bedroom), on the promise that he would contribute, but he has been taking his sweet time. All of that was ok, as we were in a relationship, but then we broke up and the mortgage jumped by >£400, meaning I am suddenly not able to live my life as I want to.

OP posts:
tribpot · 16/10/2023 18:49

Okay but why will he lose his business? Do you mean because he will have shell out for his own living costs and his business can't support him in doing that?

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:51

@tribpot yes, that is correct.

with some determination and resilience, the business could have been saved, he was just too passive to take the necessary steps. I think it is just being mentioned to manipulate me into keeping the situation as is.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:53

I feel like I am getting the needed arse-kicking per my request.

I will try to talk to him tonight, and will likely not return to the post until later tonight or tomorrow, apologies in advance!

OP posts:
PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 16/10/2023 18:55

I’d give him one month. He needs another job and a houseshare. You are not responsible for providing working space for you ex’s failing business.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 16/10/2023 18:56

Tell him you’re going to get a lodger or two in to help pay for the mortgage so you need all the bedrooms back.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 16/10/2023 18:57

And if he offers to be said lodger, tell him it’s no go because of your relationship history.

Eddielizzard · 16/10/2023 19:03

He's trying to make you take responsibility, but it's all his doing. A deadline is what's needed, and make it very clear it's a hard one. It's really not your problem, he can go and get himself a job. His failing business is really not your problem

TheCatterall · 16/10/2023 19:07

Take in a lodger to cover the mortgage excess. Give the ex 8-12 weeks notice.

His business. His problem. if it was viable it would cover the living expenses he would need for a room or flat in his own.

if he’s struggling he can go on benefits and explain he’s at risk of homelessness. If he has family id be shunting the manchild onto their sofa before he could say boo to
a goose.

CallmeDawnthen · 16/10/2023 19:16

In the nicest possible way, he has neither protected or appears to have provided for himself. This always also works both ways. You have met someone else. It is unfair to expect you to "wait" to live your life, as it would also apply if the roles were reversed. and he were the one wanting to end things, having met someone. I disagree that this is not a good time to sell, there will always be buyers . Put the house on the market so he knows there will be a definitive end date and you are moving on . He needs to start making plans, sooner rather than later. I agree, If he has done diy, you could /should give him a sum in recognition off that and what you would have paid out for those works. . His diy would likely have added value to your property if he is a capable diy'er. That kind of work, as I know all too well is costly and, you may have benefitted. Moving forward, always keep your finances and home separate. Nothing wrong with having a loving committed relationship without all the financial ties. You don't need to live together and share all finances at this or any stage in life quite frankly in order to be in a relationship. Even with shared children, maintain your financial independence always. I was married once 22 yrs ago, I had all the assets and own home before I met him , those hard earned and acquired assets by me, propelled and set us up, we had children, it did not work out. I could afford to divorce him ( he had no money to divorce me at that time so I basically paid his fees as well just to get it done) divorced, lost almost all of what I had accrued and worked for, by having to hand half of it over simply by virtue of being married! Had to rebuild again. In a very financially secure place again now with a beautiful home. Never again did/will I marry or put in jeopardy my home or financial freedoms. I am in similar age bracket OP. Move on in your new. relationship, yes, Blend and share finances, HELL NO!

RagzRebooted · 16/10/2023 19:18

If a business doesn't make enough to support a single person after that many years, he needs to just get a job (and start building up some pension contributions!). Universal credit expect self employment to make at least the equivalent of full time at minimum wage.

I had years of my DH trying to make a business work but he is fundamentally unsuited to self employment and finally gave up last year and retrained. He now earns £40k+ and it's been such a relief. Not to mention saved our marriage!

In terms of your ex moving out, I think even just putting the house on the market might help as it will send a message. Or, as PPs said, advertise for a lodger if you're not desperate to move. But I'd probably want a fresh start.

Natty13 · 16/10/2023 19:28

Things that seem very difficult and impossible to get out of often seem very black and white from the outside....

He can't move out because he doesn't have a job and therefore steady income.

He won't get a job and therefore steady income as long as he stays with you because he know's he doesn't have to.

The simple answer is that the only way he will get a job is when he has to. And he won't have to until you put your foot down. I'm sorry that isn't what you want to hear because putting your foot down and feeling like a mean person isn't what ANYONE wants but that is the sad reality of this situation....there isn't a magic option here that you are missing.

GrumpyPanda · 16/10/2023 19:29

@CallmeDawnthen

I agree, If he has done diy, you could /should give him a sum in recognition off that and what you would have paid out for those works. . His diy would likely have added value to your property if he is a capable diy'er. That kind of work, as I know all too well is costly and, you may have benefitted.

You overlook the fact the BF has never paid OP any kind of rent. It doesn't sound like he's an actual craftsman so highly unlikely his contribution will have exceeded the value of what he's saved living off her all those months.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 19:30

dear all, I'm busy cooking but reading as I do and am overwhelmed by your stories and advice...

OP posts: