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Original poster

Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

241 replies

WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:12

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 16/10/2023 22:05

Find your anger 😂

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 16/10/2023 22:05

See the DIY thing is worth a discussion with a solicitor. It could be seen as irrelevant or extra relevant. There’s a difference between him and you painting the bathroom together a qualified tradesperson in his situation doing extensive work on his partner’s house during hours he could have been working for clients outside the home.
A few hundred pounds on clarifying your legal situation plus perhaps a solicitor’s letter is small potatoes compared to messing up a house sale because you’re trying to force him out that way.

TheCatterall · 16/10/2023 22:40

@WaveringAverter not sure why you need to sell your house?

are you in separate rooms? I’d have his stuff bagged and ready at the door the next time he set foot outside. Change the locks.

he’s your boyfriend that lived rent free with you and didn’t pull his weight but did some odd jobs round them house.

bag his stuff. Change the locks. Ring a mate of his to collect it. Ring police if he kicks off. He can get a friend to collect his stuff. He isn’t allowed back in the house.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 22:42

@TheCatterall as a means to progress the situation, but it would be madness to sell now, with the market as it is. I am kicking myself I ever sold up my previous (much more suitable) house. We are in separate rooms.

OP posts:
crumblylancs · 16/10/2023 22:45

If he has friends/family who would let him stay I'd just give him a couple of weeks notice and change the locks- it might actually give him the kick up the arse he needs to sort his life out! No need to sell when you're not ready.

Primproperpenny · 16/10/2023 22:57

Don’t know why you’re dilly dallying. Kick him out now. If he doesn’t go, call the police. He’s abusive. Fuckity bye to him.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 23:10

I have found the legal advice I need but won't post it here in case he finds this thread. But he basically has very little rights if any at all.

I think if I were in this situation, I'd move anywhere, shared house, holiday home, airbnb, family or friends, but that is not an option apparently. This entitlement is what got me to buy this house. I really do not know why i'm the bad guy here.

OP posts:
Saggypants · 16/10/2023 23:16

You're not the bad guy!

In some ways I'm glad he called you a cunt, hopefully that's the end of you worrying about friendship or his feelings and you can focus on the practical steps you need to take. You can move him out without selling if you need to, and that would be ideal really, as he will be gone a lot quicker.

FlamingoFloss · 16/10/2023 23:20

You really are not the bad guy at all

SecondClassReturnToDottinghamPlease · 16/10/2023 23:30

I think you need to plan for what to do if he refuses to go after a suitable notice period. It doesn't sound like he will go easily and will make things difficult and nasty. Short term pain for long term gain - speak to Shelter and find out what you can do legally to get him out. And find your back bone - I think you will need it.

SheilaFentiman · 16/10/2023 23:38

He is entirely the bad guy and I am glad you have found some legal guidance that puts your mind at rest.

glitterfinder · 16/10/2023 23:47

We don't always have careers that we love and are proud of. There are times where one has to simply get a job and get on with it. Him not dealing with his work situation in a timely manner is not on you. You're not his mummy. Does he have a parent in the picture that could be politely informed that their adult child needs to crash for a few months?
I would get police advice about this too re the physical practicalities of getting what is basically a squatter out of YOUR home.

Mmhmmn · 16/10/2023 23:48

“I would ruin his life, effectively”

See that 4th word above? HIS life. His responsibility. It’s weird that he didn’t find a way of moving out on you guys splitting up tbh.
Well done on progress so far. He’s the wet lettuce, not you.

Mmhmmn · 16/10/2023 23:51

crumblylancs · 16/10/2023 22:45

If he has friends/family who would let him stay I'd just give him a couple of weeks notice and change the locks- it might actually give him the kick up the arse he needs to sort his life out! No need to sell when you're not ready.

This, if it has to come to it. His stuff outside when he leaves and change the locks 🤷🏻‍♀️

jazzyfips · 16/10/2023 23:54

Throw him out. He is no longer anything to do with you or your house.

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2023 00:24

I really do not know why i'm the bad guy here.

You’re not. The only person who thinks you are is the person with a vested interest in manipulating you. Keep going. Give him the deadline and call a locksmith if he doesn’t leave.

wildwestpioneer · 17/10/2023 00:48

Give him a deadline date to move out, if he refuses inform the police and they will remove him. You dont have to sell to get rid of him. You aren't the bad buy here, you've been financially supporting him since he lost his job. He could have got a job doing 'something' even if it's not in his chosen field. He's just pissed that his gravy train is leaving the station without him.

OhamIreally · 17/10/2023 05:20

You cooked him that dinner that he stomped upstairs with didn't you OP?

Why on earth would you want to remain friends with him?

He's exploiting you and your resources. Get angry and get rid.

Cowhen · 17/10/2023 06:52

You're not the bad guy, but for the safety of you and your property, you need to get him out. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to "undo" some of his DIY.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 06:55

As many others have said, the only person who thinks you're the bad guy is him.

Please don't wait until you sell to get rid of him. Give him notice and get him out. If he doesn't take his stuff with him and you have to change the locks, give him a 2 week window to make an appointment to come and collect, after that you can take it to the tip.

lesserspotted · 17/10/2023 07:00

My cousin was in this exact situation 35 years ago.

Guess what

He is STILL in her house....

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 07:02

lesserspotted · 17/10/2023 07:00

My cousin was in this exact situation 35 years ago.

Guess what

He is STILL in her house....

No way. Your poor DCousin! What a waste of all of those years for her.

Dogsitterwoes · 17/10/2023 07:28

Give him 7 days to leave
Get a nice lodger to help with costs until you sell up
Stop feeling guilty for his own fuck-ups

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 17/10/2023 07:31

We are both woking away from home today and I will try to get out of his way in the next week in the hope he realises he just needs to get on with it. I just want my house to myself to decide what to do next. I can about manage financially to stay here and have fixed the mortgage at an ok percentage. I'd be in trouble with more interest raises, but for now I don't need to sell.

Not seen him yet and I hope he stays out of my way while I get ready to leave. It's sad we end this way as we always got on well, but I just couldn't justify having to financially carry another adult the rest of my life.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 07:33

What do you mean by staying out of his way @WaveringAverter?

I think I would do the opposite and invite a good friend around for a couple of evenings or to stay. Occupy your own home. Make it clear that it's your home not his.

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