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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

241 replies

WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:12

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

OP posts:
Original poster
WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 14:18

Just had an absolute shouting match in my living room during which I told him to leave my house! He protested as I seem to be nice and then nasty again and then went for a walk 'to clear his head'. But he said he had (finally?) received the message.

The comment about controlling me with guilt has hit home. He completely sees himself as the victim and me as the aggressor. Where do these men get this script to work from?

Have finally sent an email with a two weeks notice so seem to have regained some semblance of a spine. I am going to return to this thread and reread daily (hourly?) to stay angry and determined.

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 14:21

Just call the police and ask them to remove him. He needs to fuck off to no one cares where.

GingerIsBest · 14/12/2023 14:25

Well done OP.

"Nasty but nice" haha. "Nice" is really just when you're not screaming at him constantly to get out. It's called being polite and a grown up. Twat.

I wouldn't have given him 2 weeks more, but fine, you've done it and that's good. Now you have to stick with it. Don't say anything or harangue him. Just remain firm in your head that at the end of 2 weeks, if he's not gone, you will be locking him out and changing the locks.

NameChangePoP · 14/12/2023 14:28

Oh OP, keep strong. If I were you I would rescind the 2 weeks, and tell him out by Christmas Eve. You deserve a peaceful Christmas in YOUR house without the cocklodger there. Be firm, and just think of the nice relaxing drink you will be having on Christmas Day once he's left!

SheilaFentiman · 14/12/2023 14:30

Thank you for updating and well
done for setting a deadline

titchy · 14/12/2023 14:31

You gave him notice before, then didn't act on it when the notice period was up. He probably thinks you won't act when this two week notice period is up. So what will you do then? Give him another weeks notice? And when that's up another few days? And when that's up....

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 14:41

To clarify, the spoon throwing (and missing) event happened in the first six months we were together. He would then often push my boundaries, until I reacted and defended myself. He has stopped doing that since, and I have never thrown things or hit or called him names like he did to me.

OP posts:
OhBling · 14/12/2023 14:45

I am glad you found your anger. But just a few things to keep in mind as you continue to nurse that flame:

He has "received" the message... This is very much setting you up for more abuse/guilt. "I had no idea it was such a big deal that I move out. One minute we were having a laugh in the kitchen, the next she's having a total meltdown". This could be used as a way to push the 2 week boundary, or to bad mouth you to other people etc.

He is "clearing his head". This is another great way to make him the victim. It's been such a tough engagement and conversation that he needs space to clear his head. Poor big baby that he is.

You previously gave him 6 weeks notice and he has NOT adhered to that. I suspect in his head, the fact that you were understanding and supportive as he told you his various problems is why he will claim he didn't think the 6 weeks weren't hard and fast. Be warned that he will use any perception of "softening" on your part as a reason to claim that you did not really mean two weeks or that you had implied he could stay longer "just until.,=...". Do not show any softening. If he brings you his problems and reasons to not move out, do not be sympathetic. "Sounds complex but it doesn't change the fact tat you need to be out in 10 days, 1 week, 3 days, tomorrow...."

GingerIsBest · 14/12/2023 14:45

WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 14:41

To clarify, the spoon throwing (and missing) event happened in the first six months we were together. He would then often push my boundaries, until I reacted and defended myself. He has stopped doing that since, and I have never thrown things or hit or called him names like he did to me.

Yeah, let's nt forget the first time you asked him to leave he exploded at you, Called you a "cunt" and stormed upstairs....

RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 14:47

WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 14:18

Just had an absolute shouting match in my living room during which I told him to leave my house! He protested as I seem to be nice and then nasty again and then went for a walk 'to clear his head'. But he said he had (finally?) received the message.

The comment about controlling me with guilt has hit home. He completely sees himself as the victim and me as the aggressor. Where do these men get this script to work from?

Have finally sent an email with a two weeks notice so seem to have regained some semblance of a spine. I am going to return to this thread and reread daily (hourly?) to stay angry and determined.

If he doesn't leave, search for my username and reach out. I'll gladly help you apply for an occupation order pro Bono to get him gone. You deserve to be happy! And I'm pleased you took our concerns about controlling behaviour seriously. Don't look back now - your new life starts here 😊

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 14:54

Contacted the council for one-person discount, requested a quote for storage, requested some quotes for changing the locks. If he is not taking action I will.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 14/12/2023 15:00

WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 14:54

Contacted the council for one-person discount, requested a quote for storage, requested some quotes for changing the locks. If he is not taking action I will.

yep. option 2 is the only way this is going to get sorted out. changing locks is pretty straightforward and if money is tight you could do this yourself. break out the black plastic sacks and start packing up his clothes. he needs to see you mean it and that you are going to row back on this.

EggNoggin · 14/12/2023 15:01

Tell him he needs to be gone by x date (within the next 10 days since he's already gone past his original timeline by two weeks already) and that you'll be changing the locks so he won't be able to get in. Don't tell him when you're changing the locks, he'll arrange to be there and potentially cause a scene.

SequentialAnalyst · 14/12/2023 15:18

I was married to someone like this. We jointly owned the house. He wouldn't cooperate over the divorce and was passive aggressive and stonewalled (as per our marriage!). In the end I had to take him to court to get him to negotiate settlement. Meanwhile, we stayed in our (jointly owned but more of my money than his) house, while he banged on about wanting to sell it (I didn't, for various reasons). But he never raised a finger to prepare it for selling (this would have meant actually doing things round the house, like getting it clean and tidy, which he had always left to me).

So I know what you are going through. It seems never ending, everything you do seems to get nowhere, but now you do seem to be getting somewhere. Sorry I banged on a bit about me, just wanted to show how we were in similar situations, with similar men, although through different circumstances.

A huge well done to breaking up with him, and here's hoping you can get him gone as quickly as possible now.

Ofcourseshecan · 14/12/2023 15:49

Natty13 · 16/10/2023 19:28

Things that seem very difficult and impossible to get out of often seem very black and white from the outside....

He can't move out because he doesn't have a job and therefore steady income.

He won't get a job and therefore steady income as long as he stays with you because he know's he doesn't have to.

The simple answer is that the only way he will get a job is when he has to. And he won't have to until you put your foot down. I'm sorry that isn't what you want to hear because putting your foot down and feeling like a mean person isn't what ANYONE wants but that is the sad reality of this situation....there isn't a magic option here that you are missing.

This is it. And as another PP said, You didn’t sign up to adopt a man-child.

I sympathise with you, OP, as I have found myself, in the past, housing and feeding a lazy cocklodger because I felt sorry for him. If I had literally dropped dead of overwork in front of him, he would have moved on to the next sucker!

In terms of when to put your house on the market etc, please do whatever is best for you, OP. You owe him nothing.

thinkfast · 14/12/2023 17:03

Do not let him push past the two week deadline you gave him OP. Remind him daily of the date that he needs to leave. If he doesn't leave on that date you should change the locks while he is out. Do not forward him of this, or he might try to change the locks on you. Do not allow him entry to your home again after that date.

You should then make his belongings available for him to collect. Give him warning that if he hasn't arranged for collection after, say, 2 weeks then you will dispose of them without further notice. Good luck OP!

GingerIsBest · 14/12/2023 17:54

I disagree that you should remind him daily. That will just ramp up his behaviour and lead to more accusations of abuse etc.

But it is important not to agree, even indirectly, that he can stay for any longer or to give him any sense that you are sympathetic to how hard this is as he might use that as a way to convince you (or himself) that you are letting him stay. Ideally, all discussion of his move should be avoided - if he brings it up or tells you he is struggling, you basically need to grey rock. Some murmered response while wandering out of the room along the lines of "I'm sure you will figure it out." No engagement. No support. No help.

SequentialAnalyst · 14/12/2023 17:58

Seconding @GingerIsBest's excellent advice.

RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 20:55

WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 14:54

Contacted the council for one-person discount, requested a quote for storage, requested some quotes for changing the locks. If he is not taking action I will.

You cannot just change the locks on the house if he refuses to leave as it's his usual place of residence despite you being the sole owner, again, occupation order excluding him.

Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:04

RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 20:55

You cannot just change the locks on the house if he refuses to leave as it's his usual place of residence despite you being the sole owner, again, occupation order excluding him.

Show quote history

Of course you can. He’s not a tenant. He’s not a lodger. He’s there on licence, which has been revoked. He has no right to be there.

RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 21:06

@Littlegoth I honestly wished that was how it works. But it does not. People can have the right to occupy without having a lodgers agreement, being on the tenancy, or even contributing financially. Crazily, he could apply for an occupation order and exclude her from her own house, I've seen that happen plenty of times!

Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:10

@RMNofTikTok I’m going to respectfully disagree with you. He doesn’t own the house, they aren’t married, no shared kids (so not a sahp) and he is not contributing to the mortgage. He is not protected by the Housing Act.

RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 21:11

Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:10

@RMNofTikTok I’m going to respectfully disagree with you. He doesn’t own the house, they aren’t married, no shared kids (so not a sahp) and he is not contributing to the mortgage. He is not protected by the Housing Act.

Edited

You can disagree if you like, but this is my area of speciality. I worked in housing for over a decade, and now I work as a McKenzie friend dealing with family court and divorce. I spend a good proportion of my week both applying for and contesting occupation orders.

Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:14

Yes, family court and divorce, where different rules may be applied. No kids. Not married.

RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 21:14

Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:14

Yes, family court and divorce, where different rules may be applied. No kids. Not married.

Edited

Family court deals with occupation orders.... it falls under family law.