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Original poster

Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

241 replies

WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:12

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

OP posts:
Sunset6 · 16/10/2023 19:46

Don’t get stuck in this situation. I am close to somebody who has had a man living in her house for 30 years who has not been her romantic partner for the last 20 of that. He contributes nothing financially, has not worked for 20 years, does not get on with any of her friends or family, and has no friends or family of his own so barely leaves the house. They don’t even get on that well, but the only reason he’s still there is she’s too much of a softy to chuck him out.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 19:49

@Millybob he had housing benefit, so is just not used to the fact that living costs money. He was asked to move out as the owners wanted to sell, and because I suggested we live together he decided to not fight for the flat. But I made it clear I would really prefer him to keep his options open in case the new house didn't work out for us.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/10/2023 19:55

Forget trying to stay friends - he's leveraging your good nature so he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself. You're not really doing him any favours enabling him.

Don't give him 6 months, that's ridiculously long. Give him a deadline to move out that's more like 6 weeks (or 3 months tops). He can find a room in a house-share if he can't afford a place of his own right now.

Blobblobblob · 16/10/2023 19:55

He will stay until you force him out, unfortunately it really is that simple.

Set a date, tell him locks will be changed, and then follow through.

He's forcing the situation, not you. It's ridiculous that he isn't making an effort to provide for himself after all this time.

Get angry at the manipulation. You really should be furious.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 20:50

Well, that did not go as expected, he said he felt like I was being a cunt and went upstairs with his dinner. I think I will now have to put the house on the market just to get rid of him. Fucks sake! This will be one expensive mistake and I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 16/10/2023 21:00

Well he’s not being nice with you so you need to put your foot down. Do not feel bad. If he lives on his own and is hardly getting a wage then he will get universal credit. Maybe even do a calculation yourself on the government calculators to see what he would be entitled to. He would also get help with rent. Don’t sell your home for this waste of space. You need to give him a deadline of a maximum 6 weeks. Maybe tell him a lie that you’re going to sell and want him out before you put it on the market.

category12 · 16/10/2023 21:01

Don't be silly - you're not married, he doesn't pay rent, he has no rights to stay in your home.

You could wait until he leaves the house one day, change the locks, stick his stuff on the doorstep and he has no comeback.

I'd go with giving him notice to start with - which since he's taken to calling you a cunt would be shorter than I previously suggested.

But if you feel intimidated, get the police involved.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 16/10/2023 21:03

You could actually call the police about him refusing to leave.
If you’re not worried about him turning violent than it’s not an emergency. But since you’ve asked him multiple times and things aren’t progressing, I think you could definitely give the non emergency line a call tomorrow and ask for their advice.

tribpot · 16/10/2023 21:16

I think I will now have to put the house on the market just to get rid of him
Why? If he's going to be a dick at the merest mention of moving out, I think it's very likely he'll try to sabotage the house sale process as you've already suggested. You don't want to sell it and I think it gives him too much leverage over you anyway. He's going to be unpleasant regardless.

I would have a look through the advice from Shelter and make sure you go by the book. He needs to be given appropriate notice to leave, and you want to be sure he doesn't meet the criteria for having occupation rights.

CallmeDawnthen · 16/10/2023 21:20

@"@WaveringAverter Fucks sake! This will be one expensive mistake and I'm an idiot".

Learn from this. Relationships can be very financially costly! Good luck in your future Op.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2023 21:28

He’s the cunt. You don’t have to sell, that’s heaping new bad decisions on your old ones. Just kick him out. The good will is over, time for hard ball. Your new life is waiting for him and this cocklodging bell end is an obstruction.

RedMed · 16/10/2023 21:35

Wow, he called you a C* Shock.

And he’s been living with you rent free.

Oh he nasty, as well as lazy.

To cover all bases, if I were you maybe I’d see a solicitor to check your rights in getting him out pronto legally. Or try Women’s Aid?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 16/10/2023 21:36

He's angry because you are saying that you will no longer put up with him and he has to now earn and pay for his own accommodation.

Put a lock on your bedroom door.

Send him a text saying that you give him 2 weeks notice to leave.

If you are worried get a friend to stay with you and call the non-emergency Police number for advice.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 16/10/2023 21:37

Another possibility is to go and see a solicitor for advice. Yes it costs money but you’ll be clear on your legal position and you could ask for a letter to be sent to your ex outlining the legal situation and asking him to leave by X date or you’ll take the matter further. If he hasn’t contributed financially to the house at all and you don’t have shared children then he probably has no grounds to stay in the house legally. Faced with either Police or court he’ll probably get a move on and find somewhere else to live.

RedMed · 16/10/2023 21:38

Yes, Shelter might be a good place as well as PP said.

Banana1979 · 16/10/2023 21:41

He must be on benefit? If so he can save for a deposit or better still get a job somewhere local to save £2k for deposit on a rental property and universal credit will pay the rent shortfall if there is one . He will be fine

RedMed · 16/10/2023 21:42

So he’s a mooch. God I hate men who are mooches off women. It might be tough just now till he’s gone OP but try and look to the day when he is gone and you can start anew.

Banana1979 · 16/10/2023 21:44

Also, if you are not together, you can charge him rent and housing benefit/ universal credit will pay you for a room up to the Max local housing allowance. Here in Southwest London where I live. It’s about 450 a week as you’re not in a relationship
you can charge him and they will pay you and you can give some back to him as a deposit so he can leave
my mum did this when she split with her partner and they were absolutely fine with it even though they lived in the same house

category12 · 16/10/2023 21:45

Banana1979 · 16/10/2023 21:44

Also, if you are not together, you can charge him rent and housing benefit/ universal credit will pay you for a room up to the Max local housing allowance. Here in Southwest London where I live. It’s about 450 a week as you’re not in a relationship
you can charge him and they will pay you and you can give some back to him as a deposit so he can leave
my mum did this when she split with her partner and they were absolutely fine with it even though they lived in the same house

Edited

She really doesn't want to start a rental agreement with someone she wants out of her home. It gives him rights he currently doesn't have,

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 21:46

Thanks all, I will check shelter. I've tried to be careful to not give him rights to claim on the house, but I'm not a lawyer so He might just have more of a stake than I'd like.

When we moved in, we made a verbal agreement that he would not pay rent and do diy instead. But when I asked him to co tribute to the mortgage he also wanted a share of the house value increase due to his diy (Which I thought was instead of rent!).

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 16/10/2023 21:56

Op

I really don’t think he has a claim on your house. But it is yours, so you can change the locks as you wish.

Tell him he needs to move out at the weekend given he is using extremely abusive language to you in your home

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 22:00

@SheilaFentiman His first reaction surprised me as well, actually, although it's not the first time that word was used, unfortunately. It helps me stay focused on the end goal, so it was useful in some form.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 16/10/2023 22:00

Op. With respect, if you want to move on in life you have to find your guts and initiate his eviction. You're effectively behaving passively. The thing you didn't like to most about him you are now emulating.

You don't owe this lodger anything. He's a grown man and has to take responsibility for his life and not be spoon fed by you. You've allowed this situation to go on for far too long.

Whattodo112222 · 16/10/2023 22:03

Just saw your update apologies.
Didn't sync the most recent comments for some reason.
He is the cunt. Not you.
If things get nasty you can ask the police to remove him!

Opentooffers · 16/10/2023 22:03

He is a cock-lodger basically and has used you to gain an easy life. Don't feel sorry for him as he's already shown you he will only be nice as long as the easy life is maintained. Test the market, get it on - it ant be in much of a different state than when you bought it 2 years ago.
Might be even worth temporarily renting a lockup to move his shit into. Give him notice - one month. Fingers your anger and he should be out before Xmas ( and that is generous).
If he thinks you are a soft touch, he may need constant reminding of the deadline. If you end up needing police to remove him and changing the locks, so be it, tell him you are willing to go that far. You have to mean business, or he just won't believe you.