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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

241 replies

WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:12

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 17/10/2023 07:40

I will try to get out of his way in the next week in the hope he realises he just needs to get on with it.

No! He won’t magically gain the desire to make his life worse - ‘hope’ is not your friend here. Instead you need to double-down on last night’s conversation by giving him a clear deadline for when he’s moving out. Set a date. Mean it. Reiterate it frequently.

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2023 07:42

Also, reframe your thinking. It’s not that he ‘cannot’ move out, as per your thread title, it’s that he doesn’t want to move out. You made it too comfortable and you feel sorry for him. But he’s manipulated you all along. Stop being his meal ticket. Certainly stop bloody cooking for him!

aswarmofmidges · 17/10/2023 07:42

You won't get him to move on by leaving him to enjoy the house on his own more will you?

FairyMaclary · 17/10/2023 07:49

Move out anything precious/valuable/sentimental. Pop in boxes at a friends house asap. Passports, driving licence included.

Put in writing that he has to leave by Monday morning. Have friends or relatives with you all weekend.

Don’t sell the house with him loitering about he will put off buyers as he does not want to move. You also have to guarantee vacant possession - so he could play silly devils at the last minute. Selling the house won’t stop you having to be the bad guy. Accept you are his bad guy and act accordingly.

Put on your hard hat, recognise you will not stay friends. Accept this and do what you need to do. Invite your new bloke over if you think it will be motivational. Tell him to leave. His business isn’t your issue.

tribpot · 17/10/2023 07:49

in the hope he realises he just needs to get on with it.

Why would this work? Because it's what you'd do? This guy is a leech, he's not going to wake up and think 'yep, fair enough, I need to move out'.

Did your legal advice confirm that you should serve him notice in writing? Time to just crack on.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 07:57

Totally agree with moving out anything valuable and sentimental.

Also agree that hope has got you to where you are now. He isn't going to change and getting out of his way so that he can enjoy your house isn't going to motivate him.

He called you a Cunt for gods sake! I don't even tolerate that word in my home, never mind someone who called me that.

Have you served him notice yet and how much have you given him?

MoonlightMuse · 17/10/2023 08:03

I’d give him a week and then change the locks

Theunamedcat · 17/10/2023 08:04

You need to officially give him notice

Your not responsible for his living situation

TheresaBouvey · 17/10/2023 08:08

He will NOT move out

We will not, I can tell you that

"Giving him space to realise he needs to move" does not make sense.

Embrace being "the bad guy", as you know (and ALL the women on here are behind you! Not him) he is the bad one

But yeah, he will not move. He's going to wait til you make him.

Honestly don't waste your time by hoping he will understand and amicably wave goodbye.

You need to set a date, you need some other people there to be there on the move out day to see it through. Including a plan b (packing all his shit up in bin bags, have the locksmith booked in, calling the police)

I know it is not what you want to hear but cocklodgers like this will NOT play nice

Find your hidden reserve of strength and see this through asap

bunsnroses1 · 17/10/2023 08:13

Of course you always got on well- it was manipulation to keep you sweet. Now the gravy train has drawn to a stop you're seeing his true colours.
Get mad and kick his cocklodging arse out x

SheilaFentiman · 17/10/2023 08:16

If you give him space, he won’t realise he needs to move out, he will assume you have “calmed down” and that he can stay.

liverpoolgal82 · 17/10/2023 08:19

Staying out of his way won’t make him magically want to move out. Why would it? He will procrastinate as he’s always done until you are throwing his things outside. He doesn’t want to face it and as long as you are treading carefully as you are with him then he’ll ride along.

In writing tell him he has two weeks to get somewhere else - tell him to -(in meantime to apply for housing benefit if that’s what he needs) and to just sort his shit out and be gone by that date.

In the meantime you start moving his random stuff around your house into one area (maybe bedroom he sleeps in, or a big box) ready for the go.

On the date that you’ve told him to leave get the locks changed and start putting stuff outside . (Maybe having reminded him 3/4 days before that the date is fast approaching).

I’ll come over and start putting stuff outside if you can’t face it.

SheilaFentiman · 17/10/2023 08:22

you aren’t friends, so forget any idea of “staying” friends. I don’t use the c word to my friends and I’m sure you don’t either.

Are you afraid he will hurt you?

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 17/10/2023 08:35

I am not afraid of him, but I have seen another side yesterday (which was always there a bit ,he did get stroppy sometimes). You are all onto something when you mention I should give up hope he will magically get out. I wanted to get out of the house to also be out of his way, but I've rearranged my work today so I can work from home, and will be out of the house later this week.

I will write an email summarising my points later today, including a clear notification of when he has to leave so everything is in writing. I think the suggestion to start reorganising a bit is also useful.

OP posts:
CarlaH · 17/10/2023 08:46

Seriously just get the locks changed.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 08:52

I'm lease don't summarise your points. Just say "I hereby give you one week's notice to leave your address."

Aldo not give him anymore information than that. Otherwise you'll just be arming him with things to argue over.

There is a small army of MNers behind you now. I'm sure if you wanted us to we'd come around and supervise his exit for you! Grin

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 08:54

And when you do give him notice, change the locks and have somewhere there with you on that day.

Depending on the type of locks, you lights be able to do it yourself. There are some great YouTube videos on how to do it Wink

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 08:54

*might

Itsjustmeee · 17/10/2023 08:59

I would have replied
this cunts been housing you for free
this cunt says fuck off and go
this cunt Is shut

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2023 09:05

WaveringAverter · 17/10/2023 08:35

I am not afraid of him, but I have seen another side yesterday (which was always there a bit ,he did get stroppy sometimes). You are all onto something when you mention I should give up hope he will magically get out. I wanted to get out of the house to also be out of his way, but I've rearranged my work today so I can work from home, and will be out of the house later this week.

I will write an email summarising my points later today, including a clear notification of when he has to leave so everything is in writing. I think the suggestion to start reorganising a bit is also useful.

Good stuff. Always useful to have things in writing, in case you need to evidence reasonable/unreasonable behaviour. Stick to your guns. You can do this.

Blough · 17/10/2023 09:06

Stop prostrating yourself before him, 'hoping' he'll get hints, cooking for him and keeping him as a pet, as he calls you a cunt. You're being made a fool of.
Tell him due to his behaviour choices, your goodwill is over and he will be out of your property tomorrow. End of discussion.

tribpot · 17/10/2023 09:06

Agree with @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto don't write anything other than a brief email giving notice. A load of other points just gives him a way to manipulate you by twisting each one. Don't go into the whys and wherefores of whether he has occupation rights, he can take his own advice on that (except he won't as it would cost money).

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 17/10/2023 09:28

Sounds like he has been doing just enough to pull on your guilt muscle and imply joint ownership. Cocklodger Central.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/10/2023 09:34

You definitely don't need to feel bad, he has had more than enough support and funding from you! He's crazy thinking he can just carry on living with you when the relationship is over, just because you 'have the space' what planet is he on?!

RedMed · 17/10/2023 09:46

Legally I understand you may only need to give verbal notice which you have done for months now, you say. I think you should mention this in the email/letter. You should hand him a hard copy too. And set a date I.E. 7 days, 14 days etc. I would also hide my personal items at a friends house. The fact that he is using abusive language signals to me he has an aggressive, entitled side which oils mean he will dig his heels in and stay as long as possible out of spite. It’s over. He’s had a good run/deal. He had to leave his old place because they were swing up anyway. He is a grown man and needs to take care of himself. Sounds like he has (housing benefit whilst working, then living rent free with you - he’ll survive!). Direct and simple, keep your emotions under wraps, be pleasant but insistent and assertive even “it just isn’t working and you need to leave asap for both our sakes blah blah”. However the main thing is to get him out of your house!

Do come back and let us know how it pans out.

PS. I still think it’s worth giving womens aid or shelter a call. Legally knowing what you are doing is a great confidence boost. I’d be mentioning the abusive language too.