Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

241 replies

WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:12

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

OP posts:
kitchenhelprequired · 17/10/2023 09:47

Once he's gone you can rent a room to a paying lodger to help with costs. If you don't use the garage you could rent that out too. There are ways to claw back some of the investment you've made in a property you don't really need and are struggling to afford. Two weeks notice (maximum) and change the locks when he's out.

RedMed · 17/10/2023 09:51

His stuff? He can simply hire a storage facility. Why is he making himself out to be so helpless and dependent, it’s weird.

Tatumm · 17/10/2023 09:59

kitchenhelprequired · 17/10/2023 09:47

Once he's gone you can rent a room to a paying lodger to help with costs. If you don't use the garage you could rent that out too. There are ways to claw back some of the investment you've made in a property you don't really need and are struggling to afford. Two weeks notice (maximum) and change the locks when he's out.

This seems sensible, I would agree with this, and ensure you have a supportive friend or family member with you in case he kicks off or pleads to stay because ‘you’re making him homeless.’

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 17/10/2023 09:59

You get a maximum of 40 weeks in a cunt. He's overstayed.

SheilaFentiman · 17/10/2023 10:20

i agree not to make this an email with points, he will push back against them.

Dear X

This email is notice that you need to vacate my house , 22 acacia avenue, by 4pm on the xth of October. Please leave all keys to the property.

Yours

HadEnoughOfThisShit

KombuchaKalling · 17/10/2023 10:25

Cocklodger needs to go. As others have said give him 2 weeks notice and then change the locks

bombastix · 17/10/2023 10:27

You need to toughen up OP. There is no nice way of doing this except giving some extended notice so he can plan.

Even that is very generous and you would need to stick to it.,

caringcarer · 17/10/2023 10:40

Put the house up for sale. Give him the deposit for a HMO room. He's an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself. Move on with your own life. If his business is not profitable he needs to wind it down and take a job as an employee. Maybe do his business as a side hustle

caringcarer · 17/10/2023 10:46

WaveringAverter · 17/10/2023 07:31

We are both woking away from home today and I will try to get out of his way in the next week in the hope he realises he just needs to get on with it. I just want my house to myself to decide what to do next. I can about manage financially to stay here and have fixed the mortgage at an ok percentage. I'd be in trouble with more interest raises, but for now I don't need to sell.

Not seen him yet and I hope he stays out of my way while I get ready to leave. It's sad we end this way as we always got on well, but I just couldn't justify having to financially carry another adult the rest of my life.

Give him 2 weeks notice to quit in writing. I'd look on Open Room to look for a room in a shared house. I'd gift him the first month's rent just to get rid of him. Don't take no for an answer. If he's on UC he can apply for housing benefit.

RedMed · 17/10/2023 11:57

Yes giving him a months rent but only if he moves out within 2 weeks. It’s galling to do that to someone who has called you such horrible names, but might provide incentive for him to move his arse? Still give notice in writing though in case it doesn’t

SheilaFentiman · 17/10/2023 12:03

I really wouldn’t give him money, I think that means he will just ask for more.

And I wouldn’t put the house on the market until he is gone. You may feel differently without him there and with a lodger or similar.

Dotty87 · 17/10/2023 12:12

I wouldn't be giving him any money, he's had enough in saved rent and bills which he's not had to pay. He knew you wanted him gone, has had time to save and it's on him fully if he hasn't done that. I'd be giving him a two week deadline with reminders and change the locks if he doesn't leave. Why be nice to someone who is using you and clearly has no regard for you or your feelings?

user1471538283 · 17/10/2023 12:28

I wouldn't give him notice or any money. He's not a lodger as he hasn't paid any rent. He called you that because the jig is up!

The longer he is there the longer he can do damage or more likely hope it will all blow over. I would make him go today. Where he goes is not your concern.

Do not give him any space or make anything comfortable for him if you do give him notice. Invite your friends over or even to stay, only buy food you eat for that day, tip all his stuff into his room, do nothing for him. Take back your home.

FairyMaclary · 17/10/2023 12:40

Don’t write anything other than the fact you require him to move out by x date.

You are being reasonable and he thinks you are a cunt.
It does not matter what you do now you are a cunt in his eyes. Being nice will not change his opinion.
You won’t convince him otherwise and maybe him thinking you are a bitch will help motivate him to sort his life out.

So embrace being his bad guy and act like one.

You cannot please everyone in life (unless you are prepared to live an inauthentic existence tying yourself in knots). Why are you bothered if he likes you? You don’t like him enough to want a relationship with him. You think bad things about him. So what if he thinks you are a cunt? It’s over and now him being gone is your priority. No marriage, no mortgage, no kids - woohoo - get rid. Use his choice of phrase yesterday to motivate you to get rid of him. Why is being liked so important to you that you won’t tell him to bugger off? (You don’t need to answer this but it may help you in the future to analyse what you feel about it).

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 17/10/2023 12:55

He has got money, that is not the issue. I will have to double down today, but it is SO difficult to NOT be civil. I wish I could be civil and he would still take me seriously and move out.

I hate burning bridges with people, I don't make friends often (as it get more challenging as you age), and am still friends with most exes. But they weren't arsey or called me names.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 17/10/2023 13:02

You can be civil, you don’t have to call him a cunt in return.

My suggested email was civil, so something like that?

If he is hostile to your civility, that is on him.

Blough · 17/10/2023 14:15

Telling him to leave your home is not uncivil. You shouldn’t want to be mates with a sponger who calls you names, anyway.

user1471538283 · 17/10/2023 15:24

Surely you don't want to be friends with someone who called you that?

I wouldn't be civil. He gave up that right when he called you that.

We all just don't want to see you living a half life with him still there in months to come.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 17/10/2023 15:43

I will write a short email tonight per your examples, won't call him names, and will slowly start taking back the house by moving his stuff into the garage. Will keep you posted. I do not want to continue this situation either and he needs to understand that my word is as final as a landlord who evicted, but he has fewer if no rights.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 17/10/2023 15:57

I hate burning bridges with people, I don't make friends often (as it get more challenging as you age), and am still friends with most exes. But they weren't arsey or called me names

He burnt his bridges, not you. If he was interested in your feelings or his future relationship with you, he'd be gone already.

PaminaMozart · 17/10/2023 16:10

What are you? The Society for the Protection of Lacy, Incompetent and Entitled Leaches?

You are making this WAY more difficult than it needs to be.

The relationship is over. Stop pussyfooting

There is no need for carefully worded emails or long-winded attempts to explain.

Tell him he is to move out within a fortnight. When this is up, get the locks changed.

Get lodgers to help pay the mortgage while you decide what to do with the house.

But for goodness sake put yourself first. I am willing to bet, if the shoe was on the other foot he'd have kicked you out the moment the relationship was over.

Seas164 · 17/10/2023 16:14

You can't have your ex living rent free and unwanted in your house indefinitely, and he is not going to wake up tomorrow and see the error of his ways. He's going to keep eating the dinners you're cooking and handing to him and believing you're a c=nt.

As above, email him and tell him that you require him to vacate the property by xx time on xx date, and book a locksmith for a couple of hours on the given date. Get a lock on your bedroom door in the meantime and make sure everything of value, sentimental or otherwise is locked in there.

He's not your friend, he's far from it, so don't let trying to remain friends guide your actions. This isn't going to sort itself, you'll need to put your big girl pants on but you'll be glad you did.

Dotty87 · 17/10/2023 16:27

WaveringAverter · 17/10/2023 15:43

I will write a short email tonight per your examples, won't call him names, and will slowly start taking back the house by moving his stuff into the garage. Will keep you posted. I do not want to continue this situation either and he needs to understand that my word is as final as a landlord who evicted, but he has fewer if no rights.

Glad to hear it, he's not your friend and nothing you say or do will stop him being resentful at leaving his cushy setup.
Don't make any reference to landlords or rights in your email, he is purely a guest who has overstayed his welcome.

catsnhats11 · 17/10/2023 17:25

Don't start using words like "landlord" in writing to him! That term does imply he has significant rights.

category12 · 17/10/2023 17:34

Dotty87 · 17/10/2023 16:27

Glad to hear it, he's not your friend and nothing you say or do will stop him being resentful at leaving his cushy setup.
Don't make any reference to landlords or rights in your email, he is purely a guest who has overstayed his welcome.

Show quote history

Hard agree. Do not use words like landlord. You're not his landlord. You're the house-owner. You're his ex. You're not his landlord.

Say something like "our relationship has been over for some time, and I think I've been very patient waiting for you to find somewhere else to live, however, I'm at the point where this situation with you still living in my home is no longer tenable. Please move out by x date."