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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

241 replies

WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:12

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:20

Well you live and learn. How very depressing.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 21:24

@RMNofTikTok I am curious, on what grounds would he be able to exclude from my own house if he's never contributed other than bills and some DIY? Can you give an example?

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 21:25

WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 21:24

@RMNofTikTok I am curious, on what grounds would he be able to exclude from my own house if he's never contributed other than bills and some DIY? Can you give an example?

If he claimed he was the victim of domestic abuse, had no financial resources to house himself, and needed you excluding for his own safety. Courts will quite often make a without notice emergency order if the right things are said. They can be overturned, but it can take months. That's why I always tell victims to strike first!

RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 21:29

Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:20

Well you live and learn. How very depressing.

It is EXTREMELY DEPRESSING. Even more depressing when you realise how many men make false allegations of abuse to stay in their exes home when they are in fact the perpetrator 😩

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 21:33

@RMNofTikTok but none of these situations apply. He has funds, and there is no record of any abuse, but if anything he has been verbally abusive.

I have not spoken to him since This afternoon and I sent him the email and he is away now until 11 or so (which is lovely).

How much would an occupation order cost? I have limited funds due to having bought a large house stupidly and not expecting the mortgage interest increases...

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:34

@RMNofTikTok I recently supported a relative through court proceedings following DV and a friend currently doing the same. They didn’t have their own property and were joint tenants who left of their own accord (fled and hid actually for their own safety). It would have been even more galling if they’d been ousted from their own home by the abuser playing the victim. I don’t know why I am surprised by this.

RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 21:35

WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 21:33

@RMNofTikTok but none of these situations apply. He has funds, and there is no record of any abuse, but if anything he has been verbally abusive.

I have not spoken to him since This afternoon and I sent him the email and he is away now until 11 or so (which is lovely).

How much would an occupation order cost? I have limited funds due to having bought a large house stupidly and not expecting the mortgage interest increases...

There's no court fee to apply for an occupation order. My offer of help pro Bono (free of charge) still stands 😊

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 21:37

@RMNofTikTok thanks for the offer, I will sleep on it and get back to you.

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 21:37

Littlegoth · 14/12/2023 21:34

@RMNofTikTok I recently supported a relative through court proceedings following DV and a friend currently doing the same. They didn’t have their own property and were joint tenants who left of their own accord (fled and hid actually for their own safety). It would have been even more galling if they’d been ousted from their own home by the abuser playing the victim. I don’t know why I am surprised by this.

Edited

It's one of those horrible bits of law that nobody really discusses. Non mols and occupation orders can be very useful to victims of DA, and occupation orders can be very useful for getting rid of man babies. Sadly many abusers join facebook groups designed for victims and use the info they find for themselves!

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 21:52

@RMNofTikTok what are the consequences for the person against whom the order is take out? For instance, would it show up on dns checks?

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 14/12/2023 21:53

WaveringAverter · 14/12/2023 21:52

@RMNofTikTok what are the consequences for the person against whom the order is take out? For instance, would it show up on dns checks?

No they do not show up on an enhanced dbs, unless it is breached and the person is either arrested or found guilty of contempt of court.

Dollyparton3 · 01/01/2024 09:52

Hi OP,

I remembered you last night whilst out with a friend who's new man has moved in VERY quickly . Did you manage to have a good Christmas in the end? I hope so

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 01/01/2024 22:07

@Dollyparton3 happy 2024! I was going to write an update next week, but can do it now as well. Ex moved out temporarily for christmas and new year to give me some space.

He has found an AirBnB for 6 months at a reasonable price in a relatively nice neighbourhood, after much angst. He will move out next week and half of his stuff is in storage already. So overall everything worked out: I have my house back and he's in a position where he can rebuild his life. He's not happy about it and I am sad as well. If the situation would have been different and he'd have found work we'd probably have found a way forward.

I think it's rare that threads have a resolution and I'm happy that I'm one of the few in a position to update you with a rather positive outcome. Thanks for your support!

OP posts:
QS90 · 01/01/2024 22:22

Great! Well done OP - new year, fresh start for the both of you.

stomachameleon · 01/01/2024 22:45

@WaveringAverter I am pleased there is resolution for you.

Dollyparton3 · 02/01/2024 09:26

@WaveringAverter oh I'm so pleased you at least got your own space for the festive break and at last you can move on.

I hope 2024 gives you every bit of happiness you deserve after such a miserable time in '23

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