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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

241 replies

WaveringAverter · 16/10/2023 18:12

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

OP posts:
category12 · 17/10/2023 17:48

Potentially add something in about the verbal abuse being unacceptable as well, so you have a paper trail.

tribpot · 17/10/2023 18:01

category12 · 17/10/2023 17:48

Potentially add something in about the verbal abuse being unacceptable as well, so you have a paper trail.

I get where you're coming from @category12 but this just hands him a stick to beat OP with. He can kick off about the verbal abuse blah blah blah - and it doesn't matter in terms of him moving out. He has to move out because it's her house and their relationship is over, he's no longer welcome. Regardless of whether he's nice or not. If it escalates to the point where she does need to go to the police or similar I think just having a record of what has occurred may be enough.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 17/10/2023 19:21

OP, he's living in your house rent free and called you a cunt.

Quit with the nice, civil stuff and get this man out. Tell him he has two weeks to go. When the two weeks are up, change the locks. Get legal advice etc but get him out.

Whether you sell the house now or in future is absolutely irrelevant. You have an abusive lazy fucker squating in your house and your current approach isn't working.

If I had a similar situation, the first week I would give him a chance.

The second week, I would ask my parents, siblings and all their kids (it's enough to drink my crazy every Xmas!) to move in for a week. Get them to bring as much noise and chaos with them. Create absolute havoc for a week.

The third week, if he wasn't gone, I would chance the locks and have family move all of his shit to the front lawn.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 17/10/2023 20:31

I'd love to know what his 'business' is that doesn't pay enough for him to support himself?
He won't do it but I suggest, if you have the time, you could start looking online for one bed flats for him. Put them right in front of him, so he does see them.
DO NOT offer/agree to be a guarantor for him, but you could be a reference if needed!
Are you cooking for him, doing all the cleaning including his, washing for him etc? If so, stop! He is living the cushty life and won't move out while you're accommodating him!
He must have relatives or friends who would put him up for awhile so he could move out, then you could get everything in order!!
Start being hard on him, or you'll never be rid of him. The sooner the better!
And, good luck.

Tina7391 · 17/10/2023 21:27

Take legal advice please. If he's lived with you for 2 years and has done some DIY in the house he may be eligible for a share in your home. I've been stung by a similar type of partner. It's not fun but ultimately you're not responsible for a grown man who should be self supporting at his age. Good luck

Josell12345 · 17/10/2023 21:58

Just a word of warning. My ex lived with me officially for 7 months. Prior to that he stayed with me but paid rent and council tax elsewhere. He didnt have his name on any bills but when we split he took me to court for a share of my house. Based on that I bought it for him and me and my 4 kids to live in it as a family. He claimed to have increased its value with d.i.y etc. He got his money, about 25% of the equity. Still to this day Ive no idea how, except that he was a freemason. He seemed to get more than if we had been married 🤷‍♀️. So dont assume no rent or mortgage means he has no claim!

Josell12345 · 17/10/2023 21:59

Me too!

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 17/10/2023 22:04

You need to remind yourself that he is NOT your friend. Friends don’t do this to each other.

QS90 · 17/10/2023 22:13

Wait... he's been living in his ex's house... for months... RENT FREE?? And it never occurred to him he was outstaying his welcome? 🤔What a CF! Well done you for not being stupid enough to put his name on the deeds.

RedMed · 17/10/2023 22:18

Sorry 😞 @Josell12345 . That’s a cautionary tale and a half 😮.

Starseeking · 18/10/2023 00:20

This man is living rent and mortgage free, of course he doesn't want to move out! Don't feel guilty about putting him out, he's using you to sail through life. Tell him he has 2 weeks to move out, at which points his belongings will go outside and you will be changing the locks.

If you have a couple of spare bedrooms, I suggest you look into taking in female lodgers to help you with the bills.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/10/2023 07:46

Hope he behaved a little better last night @WaveringAverter although I doubt he has any decency in him.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 18/10/2023 07:57

I will try to get out of his way in the next week in the hope he realises he just needs to get on with it.

He won't. Hopefully your emails get through to him but be prepared, he's been living rent free and won't go quietly.

Riva5784 · 18/10/2023 08:20

Good luck @WaveringAverter Hold your nerve💪
I hope he goes without too much fuss, but don't hesitate to call the police if he kicks off.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 18/10/2023 08:59

He was out of my way most of yesterday and seems to be doing the same today.

I don't really believe he has a stake in my property m, since he:

  • did not pay any rent over two years (which could have easily been in the 5-8k£ range)
  • He had sole use of the garage and drive to run his business from
  • The DIY he did would have amounted to less than the rent if I had paid for tradespeople to do the work (I have quotes!)

I sent an email to women's aid yesterday but don't expect much back., as I'm not in any immediate danger plus there are no children to consider.

Does anyone know what ex would need to do to ensure he is not making himself deliberately homeless?

OP posts:
Original poster
WaveringAverter · 18/10/2023 09:06

@Josell12345 he is not a freemason, afaik. The DIY is not really substantial enough and according to some might shave actually reduced the value of the house (he installed a door on the toilet off of the kitchen). It is: two doors, painted 70% of the house (which I will redo once he moves out), made two sets of shelves.

Point is, I wanted him to do so much more DIY than he did for not paying rent, but he mostly chose the fun stuff.

Did your ex pay rent?

OP posts:
Seas164 · 18/10/2023 09:22

He didn't pay rent, he is not on the mortgage, he has no tennancy agreement. There are no children involved. You are within your rights to change the locks. If he was able to deal with this reasonably then you'd have a chance to be reasonable in return, but calling you a cunt and disappearing is setting the tone.

As such, the best thing you can do is act quickly and decisively, if you need to see a solicitor to feel more sure of yourself in order to do so, book an appointment asap.

Don't let this drag on staying out of each other's way, the longer you give him the more time he's got to come up with a counter argument and make things more difficult than they need to be. You fear being thought ill of by him, and by others, time to replace that by a bit of self worth. You don't need to lie like a doormat to make sure his life goes well, while your own goes down the drain.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 18/10/2023 09:36

And he did shit DIY to cover his mooching? BIN HIM!

Dullardmullard · 18/10/2023 09:39

Have you emailed him or texted with his week or fortnights notice yet?

he’s escalating by the way so be careful.

once his notice is up inform the police in case it gets nasty and have someone there as support whilst he leaves.

also have the locksmith there too ready.

it’s time to take back your life without him.

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 18/10/2023 09:43

Wherever I look, it really seems like he has no rights whatsoever. See here, for example: https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/downloads_and_tools/tenancy_checker

I am just worried he might try to hang here on to ensure he will get benefits. I do have some burly hobby friends who already think he's in the wrong and needs to shape up and I am a lettuce for allowing this situation to continue.

Shelter icon

Tenancy checker - Shelter England

Use our tenancy checker to find out what type of tenancy you have. Get advice on your tenancy rights based on your tenancy type and landlord.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/downloads_and_tools/tenancy_checker

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 09:44

OP, I've only read your posts but just to say that of COURSE he doesn't want to move out. He has a lovely cheap life. I bet you cook and clean too as well as pay all the main bills?

As you're not in a relationship, he has no hold on the house etc, I'd be giving him a deadline of no more than a few weeks, then feel free to kick him out and change the locks if you need to. This is a lot easier than if you were married, or renting.

OhBling · 18/10/2023 09:48

I really can't imagine he has ANY rights. More importantly, I can't imagine that a man you dumped for being passive and useless in the first place is going to do the necessary fighting to even try. So I wouldn't worry about that.

Your biggest risk is that he will lay on the guilt trip in a major way. Expect passive aggressive social media posts about being homeless, endless rants in person or via text message about what a bitch you are (he'll probably call you many other things like manipulative, a user, a narcissist, toxic, selfish, slut to name a few) etc.

You have a freeloader in your house. Kick him out.

RMNofTikTok · 18/10/2023 09:53

Sounds like a him problem. Throw the man baby out and sell up!

Original poster
WaveringAverter · 18/10/2023 09:53

@OhBling the passivity, I would not count on that. Passive people can be very determined to keep the status quo, especially when powered by entitlement and anger. My expectation is that he will fight tooth and nail against perceived injustice, plus he is also very smart and handy with information, etc. We will see.

I already told the new flirt man that I will NEVER EVER live with a man again. I am looking forward to living alone again, everything nice and clean and tidy, no garish coloured bedrooms. It will probably also be cheaper, even in this house.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 18/10/2023 09:56

If he's that smart and handy with information he will have no problem accepting that you've asked him to leave and given him a date to vacate by, booked a locksmith and arranged for several friends to be around on that day to help him in case he needs a hand.

Do it. Give him two weeks notice. This isn't a shock, the relationship is over. He will stay around calling you names and eating your home cooking until you get him out. Yes he's a pain, but unless you clearly and firmly get him out you're allowing him to stay.