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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to talk about what happened tonight - in shock

198 replies

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 21:40

My dd age 5 had a friend round for tea tonight. Her mum came to collect her at 5.30 pm and shortly afterwards my dh arrived home from work. It all went a bit mad and the kids went hyper. I had made us all a cup of tea and me and the mum were in the kitchen talking. Dd and friend were in the hallway harrassing dh and I could hear him saying, "no, that's enough, no more now" all that kind of stuff and I didn't think much of it. I'd had it for the last hour and so was a bit anaesthetised to it. I think he wanted to read something on the table and they were preventing him, as kids do when dad comes in. It got a bit embarrassing because the mum could hear him getting upset. She took the hint and gathered stuff and left. When they'd gone, I said to dh that I thought he'd been a bit rude, ignored the mum etc. He got angry and said that the kids had been hitting him and I hadn't dealt with it, I'd just sat in the kitchen drinking tea. To which I replied, I didn't know they'd been doing that but he was an adult and could deal with it. He said they had really hurt him and then I got a bit mad and told him not to be such a woos - they are only 5. With this, I turned my back on him to put something in the dishwasher and he said, "I'll show you what it feels like" and he lifted my top up and hit me as hard as he could on my back with all his strength. I was so shocked and the pain was so bad that I ran upstairs and lay on my front. My back was throbbing and when I looked in the mirror there were a couple of raised weals forming and I couldn't walk properly. Dd didn't see it happen but then had a tantrum about something else and then dh came upstairs, burst into the bedroom and said, "you've not bothered doing anything tonight, you deal with her, I'm going out". He then left and I struggled to get dd ready for bed. When he got home, I told him that it was unnacceptable what he'd done and that if he every did anything like that again, were were finished (he had previously hit me once on the back but not so hard). He replied that he wanted a divorce and would see a solicitor. I was so shocked that I left the house and when I got back two hours later he'd left keys in both the locks so that I couldn't get in. I called him several times but he never answered. By the time I got to banging on the door, he came down and opened it with a face like thunder. I'm too scared to go to bed and I know he will punish me for this because of his guilt. I'm strangely calm but feel really weird. What the hell do I do now?

OP posts:
fryalot · 07/03/2008 21:42

Do you have some family who can either come and stay with you, or you can take yourself and dd to stay with?

He should not be hitting you. It is domestic violence, it is against the law and it is wrong.

TotalChaos · 07/03/2008 21:44

You poor thing. Phone Women's Aid when you next can, and try and speak to CAB and solicitor about your rights if you do finish your relationship.

naturalblonde · 07/03/2008 21:44

Get out. He's hit you twice. That's 2 times more than he should have. Go tonight, or at the least first thing in the morning. You think he'll punish you? That's a worrying phrase, so can only repeat what I've said before - get out.

lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 21:44

Message withdrawn

specialmagiclady · 07/03/2008 21:45

Go go go. Don't let this happen again, don't let it happen to your children.

dippydeedoo · 07/03/2008 21:45

omfg ....what a barsteward.....has he ever done it before? has he mentioned a divorce before? i cant believe he did that to you!! jesus when u say punish what do u mean exactly will he beat u verbally abuse you or sexually abuse you? you need help hun fast ...can u go to a friends or something?

WanderingTrolley · 07/03/2008 21:45

Call the police. You've been assaulted.Go to A&E.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 07/03/2008 21:46

Bloody hell! God you poor thing, you really did not deserve that at all. If I were you I'd grab your dd, call the friend who saw things getting nasty and ask if you can go there for the night, to let things cool off. It sounds like he's got a real temper problem. You're right, the hitting was absolutely unacceptable. Do you think he's really been thinking about divorce, or that it was just the most hurtful thing he could conjure up to say at that moment?

I really feel for you, your post gave me a shiver. I hope you're ok.

madamez · 07/03/2008 21:46

Do you feel safe to stay in the house tonight? If not, call the police and have him REMOVED. Even if the house is in his name, it's the family home and if he is assaulting another member of the family in that home then the police will take him away and he will get a night in the cells. Then contact a solicitor or at least a domestic violence helpline in the morning. What he has done is despicable and it needs to be stopped now.

TotalChaos · 07/03/2008 21:46

even if you aren't ready to leave now, I would seriously consider 1)reporting this to the police and 2)going to your GP and getting the injury documented.

dippydeedoo · 07/03/2008 21:46

are u upto foning the police and making an official complaint??

i dunno what to do BUT theres someone called rhubarb she will know what to do ....

lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 21:47

Message withdrawn

Kindersurpise · 07/03/2008 21:48

I echo what the others have said. Get out as soon as possible.

Could you go to your mum's house?

llareggub · 07/03/2008 21:48

I can only repeat what others have said. Call police, have him removed and change locks.

fryalot · 07/03/2008 21:48

If you feel up to calling the police, they will come out. They will talk to you both and if you are frightened of him, they will take him away and put him in the cells for the night.

You cannot stay there alone tonight if you are scared that he will "punish" you.

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 21:49

I know what happens, when he does something he knows is really bad, he can't cope with it so he goes on the attack. Locking the doors was a punishment and I'm worried about what will happen in the morning.

I know you're all right but I can't just leave - I'm terrified, not really of him but what this all means. Think I'm in shock. We've had some really bad times, especially when he's stressed bout work - he's just started a new job so I guess something happened at work today. Maybe he didn't mean to hit me that hard but there was no remorse at all. I'm numb.

OP posts:
KaySamuels · 07/03/2008 21:49

I'm so sorry, you do not deserve to be 'punished'. Your post actually sent shivers down my spine.

Do you have someone you could take your dd to with you? If not tonight then at least tomorrow. You deserve so much better than this! I know it's grim but if you can manage it take a picture of your back.

When your DH hit you the first time what did you say to him?

theUrbanDryad · 07/03/2008 21:49

i would second WT's suggestion of the police. even if you don't want to report the assault then they can help you with women's aid etc.

you know that what he has done is unacceptable. leave. now, or as soon as you can.

sending some positive thoughts your way. xx

Kindersurpise · 07/03/2008 21:50

It does not matter how hard he hit you. He hit you.

Please do not feel that there is any excuse for his behaviour. There is none.

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 21:51

Whoa. Shocked, I think you know the answer to your op. He'll do it again, he doesn't even know what he's done does he? You stay and you'll be yet another abused wife, you leave and you'll be another hero. Which is it to be?

peanutbear · 07/03/2008 21:51

Get the injury documented even if you dont do anything else
you need to do this incase it happens in the future

IME if they do it once they will do it again I know its a big generalisation but it was true in my case

Your in shock now if you fell strong enough to do something about it leave the house with your child and call teh police they are really helpful and kind in these circumstances

Can I say it may seem scary now but being on your own with out this in your life is much better in the long term good luck with whatever you decide

theUrbanDryad · 07/03/2008 21:52

shocked - whatever has happened at work is NO EXCUSE for his behaviour towards you. but i think you know that already.

lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 21:53

Message withdrawn

FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 21:53

you should phone the police and get him removed from the house....tel them you are scared of what he will do to you....you cannot live in fear of a coward....he is a vindictive bastard and you need to kick him out

DloeufyDoo · 07/03/2008 21:54

I realy don't think you should be on your own in the house all frightened.I think,like the other posters you should call the police or at the very least,for tonight go to a friends house with your dd if you can.I hate to think of you being all frightened