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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to talk about what happened tonight - in shock

198 replies

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 21:40

My dd age 5 had a friend round for tea tonight. Her mum came to collect her at 5.30 pm and shortly afterwards my dh arrived home from work. It all went a bit mad and the kids went hyper. I had made us all a cup of tea and me and the mum were in the kitchen talking. Dd and friend were in the hallway harrassing dh and I could hear him saying, "no, that's enough, no more now" all that kind of stuff and I didn't think much of it. I'd had it for the last hour and so was a bit anaesthetised to it. I think he wanted to read something on the table and they were preventing him, as kids do when dad comes in. It got a bit embarrassing because the mum could hear him getting upset. She took the hint and gathered stuff and left. When they'd gone, I said to dh that I thought he'd been a bit rude, ignored the mum etc. He got angry and said that the kids had been hitting him and I hadn't dealt with it, I'd just sat in the kitchen drinking tea. To which I replied, I didn't know they'd been doing that but he was an adult and could deal with it. He said they had really hurt him and then I got a bit mad and told him not to be such a woos - they are only 5. With this, I turned my back on him to put something in the dishwasher and he said, "I'll show you what it feels like" and he lifted my top up and hit me as hard as he could on my back with all his strength. I was so shocked and the pain was so bad that I ran upstairs and lay on my front. My back was throbbing and when I looked in the mirror there were a couple of raised weals forming and I couldn't walk properly. Dd didn't see it happen but then had a tantrum about something else and then dh came upstairs, burst into the bedroom and said, "you've not bothered doing anything tonight, you deal with her, I'm going out". He then left and I struggled to get dd ready for bed. When he got home, I told him that it was unnacceptable what he'd done and that if he every did anything like that again, were were finished (he had previously hit me once on the back but not so hard). He replied that he wanted a divorce and would see a solicitor. I was so shocked that I left the house and when I got back two hours later he'd left keys in both the locks so that I couldn't get in. I called him several times but he never answered. By the time I got to banging on the door, he came down and opened it with a face like thunder. I'm too scared to go to bed and I know he will punish me for this because of his guilt. I'm strangely calm but feel really weird. What the hell do I do now?

OP posts:
JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 07/03/2008 21:54

I know you're scared of what it all means, but you don't have to think about everything right now- I would just get yourself and dd out of the house tonight so he has no opportunity to "punish" either of you. Do you have somewhere you could go? You can always call the police later when you've had a chance to think.

shabster · 07/03/2008 21:54

Please take this advice from someone who has put up with this for many, many years.

Get your child, get clothes, cherished stuff like photos, whatever money you can lay your hands on and leave. Please leave.

I have spent my life 'treading on eggshells.' Now 30 years of marriage under my belt I have a false smile and a head full of dreams that have never materialised.

Take care - you are worth more than this crap

FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 21:54

things like this are not accidental sweetheart....he is a bully

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 21:55

When I say he'll punish me, I don't mean he'll hit me again, it'll be threatening divorce, doing everything possible to hurt me mentally. I've been through it all before with him but we've been making really good progress lately and I thought things were much better so tonight was such a kick in the teeth. I don't feel anything at the moment, don't understand it. If I try to leave there will be a scene in front of dd and I don't want that. It's like he's gone mad or something.

OP posts:
lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 21:55

Message withdrawn

theUrbanDryad · 07/03/2008 21:56

Shocked - that is still abuse. it might not be physical violence, but it's still abuse and it's still damaging IMO.

hope your back's feeling better now.

shabster · 07/03/2008 21:56

I personally believe that mental abuse is worse than being hit. mental abuse will stay in your mind until the day you shuffle off this mortal coil.

Please think seriously about this and leave if at all possible.

lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 21:57

Message withdrawn

peanutbear · 07/03/2008 21:57

so leave tomorrow go to the shops with DD and then sort it out do you have family close by
This sort of thing cripples your confidence but every person is worth so much more than this

shabster · 07/03/2008 21:58

lenny - millions of nights like this. Stuff is better now than ever but he is now an 'old man' and I outwardly am 51 but my mind and heart are just 17 - giddy, carefree, happy - this sounds like the script of Shirley Valentine best film ever made IMO

DloeufyDoo · 07/03/2008 21:59

One scene in front of your dd tonight is probably better than what could happen in the futureI think shabster knows what she is talking aboutI urge you to listen to her..I really do.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 07/03/2008 22:00

please leave this and i use the term lightly "man"

dippydeedoo · 07/03/2008 22:01

shabster ((( hug)))

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 07/03/2008 22:01

shabster, your post could have been written by my mother, she was married to my dad for 40 years before she died. I constantly wished they'd divorced, she didn't deserve the treatment she got from him every single day, and neither do you, I feel like sending you a virtual hug.

op, what do you think you will do?

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 22:01

My back still hurts - feels like it may bruise. This can't be happening to me. I've had enough to deal with over the years and things were looking up for me. I've been divorced once due to philandering husband and suffer from depression on and off. Life is a shit

OP posts:
Megglevache · 07/03/2008 22:02

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 07/03/2008 22:03

you know he will never change. you know it will escalate, because you are tolerating it. Till now. He is abusing you both physically and mentally. He is the worst kind. I echo the others, you should call the police. Set the wheels in motion, accept the help.
See what a night in the cells does to him. It may actually be his wake up call, it may even save your relationship.

lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 22:03

Message withdrawn

KerryMum · 07/03/2008 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 22:03

Shabster, how awful. I'm so sorry. It's never too late.

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 07/03/2008 22:04

you're making excuses for him. i know you're shocked, you dont want to believe this situation. but you must act, for yourself and your dd. please. do you live near anyone in your family? any friends? christ you could stay with me but i'm across the water. once is bad enought,i can understand someone giving their dh a second chance. but twice? FORGET ABOUT IT. leave your house, if not tonight, then tomorrow. please.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 07/03/2008 22:06

Agree with QS, shock him into realising what he did is WRONG, not just in your eyes but in that of the law. If you paper over it, you're saying it's fine to do it again. You aren't his punchbag!

39andcounting · 07/03/2008 22:06

OMFG..................... DO NOT STICK AROUND FOR HIM TO DO IT AGAIN.

He will do it again, and again and again and then maybe he'll give your DD a smack, punch in the head. If he was to hit her that hard in her back he could damage her kidneys.

This Bastard has obviously brow beaten you and you feel you have no self worth.

You are worthy, worthy of being a Mum and an alive Mum to your DD.

Make up something to your DD to get away.

Can you sleep in with her tonight ?

Am totally shocked at how you seem to think it was kinda ok, he could have had a bad day, well let me tell you alot of people have bad days and they dont come home and treat their wives like a punch bag.

Listen to us all.

Get the hell out.

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 22:06

I have no family nearby. I have a teenage dd from my first marriage but she's with her dad tonight so didn't witness anything thank god. I need to think about it overnight and decide what to do in the morning.

I don't understand the mindset of hitting me then locking me out of the house. What's that about?

OP posts:
lizandlulu · 07/03/2008 22:07

i ohpe you can get things sorted for tonight at least. no-one should feel scared or threatend in their own home.

i am thinking of you

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