Need to talk about what happened tonight - in shock

[shocked2nite]

My dd age 5 had a friend round for tea tonight. Her mum came to collect her at 5.30 pm and shortly afterwards my dh arrived home from work. It all went a bit mad and the kids went hyper. I had made us all a cup of tea and me and the mum were in the kitchen talking. Dd and friend were in the hallway harrassing dh and I could hear him saying, "no, that's enough, no more now" all that kind of stuff and I didn't think much of it. I'd had it for the last hour and so was a bit anaesthetised to it. I think he wanted to read something on the table and they were preventing him, as kids do when dad comes in. It got a bit embarrassing because the mum could hear him getting upset. She took the hint and gathered stuff and left. When they'd gone, I said to dh that I thought he'd been a bit rude, ignored the mum etc. He got angry and said that the kids had been hitting him and I hadn't dealt with it, I'd just sat in the kitchen drinking tea. To which I replied, I didn't know they'd been doing that but he was an adult and could deal with it. He said they had really hurt him and then I got a bit mad and told him not to be such a woos - they are only 5. With this, I turned my back on him to put something in the dishwasher and he said, "I'll show you what it feels like" and he lifted my top up and hit me as hard as he could on my back with all his strength. I was so shocked and the pain was so bad that I ran upstairs and lay on my front. My back was throbbing and when I looked in the mirror there were a couple of raised weals forming and I couldn't walk properly. Dd didn't see it happen but then had a tantrum about something else and then dh came upstairs, burst into the bedroom and said, "you've not bothered doing anything tonight, you deal with her, I'm going out". He then left and I struggled to get dd ready for bed. When he got home, I told him that it was unnacceptable what he'd done and that if he every did anything like that again, were were finished (he had previously hit me once on the back but not so hard). He replied that he wanted a divorce and would see a solicitor. I was so shocked that I left the house and when I got back two hours later he'd left keys in both the locks so that I couldn't get in. I called him several times but he never answered. By the time I got to banging on the door, he came down and opened it with a face like thunder. I'm too scared to go to bed and I know he will punish me for this because of his guilt. I'm strangely calm but feel really weird. What the hell do I do now?

This is why so many women don't leave. They know the man will become dangerous.

He is a violent bastard, and he is not your problem. Dd is your problem, you are your problem - I mean you are responsible for taking care of yourself.

I kwym about holding it together - iff you're gonna make a proper escape you have to keep calm and the anger will inhibit that response, so I understand.

What you're describing, the 'flip', is a very good sign

You're more than half way out already and he may even sense you are stronger...which might make him less likely to lash out. Men usually go for weak women, more.

Good on you

If there's anyone here near you send us a CAT. I'm in East Kent if that's any use...xx

So sorry, shocked. Please do something to take control and get some power back. For you and for your dd.

xxx

shocked2nite thinking of you - don't let him make you forgot how strong you are . He is the weak one sending you hugs x
Hope the shock starts to wear off soon and the anger gives you strenghth to leave him

Shocked I am SO SO SO happy that you have called Women's Aid

Have they discussed the escape list with you? It may be worth getting the things put by just incase... ?

Here is the list of things they have suggested are vital for an escape:

Some form of identification.
Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children's favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse - e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

I know it's a long list but please take note - it is just for safety - just in case.

May I just say that usually men get worse if they sense you are fighting back so please be careful - IF he does it again, then ringing 999 is your only option IMO.

If he ever took you to court for access to your DD, NOT having the abuse on a police report (and indeed charges pressed) really does hinder you. I know - I have been there. They (the court) kept saying the abuse was "only alleged as it clearly wasn't bad enough to report or take further" - it is a shitty attitude, but it's the attitude they have.

Please don't forget that we are here as a sounding board and will know what you may need to do, where to go etc (ie if you need to think about benefits) and it may help as we are slightly removed from the situation. Please don't feel ashamed or embarrased to ask for our help

Take care my love - keep strong x

Evening shocked, been following all day. Well done for making the call, hopefully they have reassured you and you will give yourself time to think.

I think that Lewis has some extremely good sound advice and you should listen to what she has to say.

Wishing you strength to face your fears, would you rather have yours and DD's freedom, stay and remain in hell.

You've done really well to phone the helpline and it's great that you are thinking of an action plan/strategy. Nothing pathetic about that at all - it's the smartest move.

Information is power - use your time wisely. Phone CAB, use the website to figure out what you need to do next. You know you don't want to stay with him long term without major changes taking place, so make sure you know where you stand while you still feel strong.

Again, just to reiterate, the bad behaviour, the abuse can escalate at this point, so stay smart. Clear your internet cache, your browsing history, don?t leave traces. If you don?t know how to do that, there are instructions on the WA website. Get your own email address, read the survivors handbook.

Abuse and victims are strong words/labels and if they don?t help you, then ignore them. Just get your thoughts straight about what you want to do and work out how to do it.

Stay safe x

I am really glad to see you have taken the first step. Well done. Keep strong.

My sister was brought home by my mother, when eventually it dawned on my mum what her situation was. She flew down to my sister, with 3 airplane tickets in her bag, one for herself, one for my sis, and one for my sisters dd. She kept my sister safe when packing most necessary belongings, cab waiting on the outside.

My sister had never gone to the police, had never documented any injuries. The fact that she had been at a shelter twice did not matter so much in court, as clearly it was "not so bad" when police was not involved. She has to release her dd for visitation 6 times per year to him. He has never laid hands on dd, but his abusive manner is obvious in very many other ways, especially mentally for this young girl. She cant wait till she is old enough to say "no dad, I dont want to come."

Contacting the police should be part of your strategy for your future. It is not too late, as you are telling the truth when you say you have been too scared of what he will do to you to go.

Some excellent, wonderful advice for you on here. I havent posted for a while because....Im not sure.

The list of stuff you need before you run is really helpful. Make yourself a bag containing the said items.

Dont sit at your computer at my age, 51, looking around your living room, thinking 'what the feck am I doing here' I can be in a room with hundreds of people, smiling, laughing, acting daft. And inside - nothing - just nothing.

Plan your escape - and do it - please.

scruffyted - you have been on my mind all night. Hope you are feeling ok

Hi

I've grown up with a dad that did this sort of thing to my mother all the time. It was terrifying for us kids as it was for my poor mum.

None of us know what is really going on despite what you have told us. Everybody wants to help you but you have to help yourself. If you feel unsafe, you must leave and go to someone who can put you and your kids up for the night at least until things calm down and you can think.

My mother is still with my father, she never left him because she was too scared that he would find her if she did leave. Sadly my mother had no-one to help her, her abuse was something she kept to herself. Just lately, she told me that she didn't leave him because she couldn't face the children not having a father.

For me, my earliest childhood memories are of my dad hitting my mother until the blood ran down her face onto her swollen and busted lips. I was a wee girl then but now I am 41-years-old I still cry thinking of those harrowing times.

I wish my mother had left dad when he first hit her because the years of abuse she suffered later on would not have happened. We (the children) witnessed everything and it really effected us in our relationships.

What you do is up to no-one else but you. Do what's right for you and your children.

Good luck. Keep online if you feel you have to, I'll stay up to help if I can. All the very best. XXX

Please call the police and get someone to take a photograph of your back. Go to your doctor or the hospital if you have to. Please please call the police and have a statement made against this violent man who is assaulting you.

Please, go to the police, next up on his hit list are your kids. You are strong enough to say goodbye to this man, and move on with your life.

There is some excellent advise here - that women's aid bag list is extremely helpful. You can have all these things stashed with a relative who you trust. Carry enough money on you to get to safety.

Let us know how you are, we are rooting for you.

Hi Shocked,

How are things today? How's your head? Whatever you do, you must not talk yourself into feeling guilty for what he did to you. Stay with us, we are all here for you. xxxx

Shabster, I hope you don't mind me asking but why do you stay with your husband?
51 is not old. Just because he won't hit you again? Sounds like you can't bear him.
Your story has really touched me.

Shocked, forgive the hijack. I hope you are ok x

jasper - on March 18th we 'celebrate' our 30th wedding anniversary. Life has been better than ever for the last few years.

He dared to raise his fist to my beloved first born son - and I hit him so hard that he was out cold for a long time.

I am not proud of myself for doing this but he went to hurt MY wonderful son.

Our life has been complicated because 2 of our 4 sons have died. So when I wanted to run he would say that he would kill himself. I am in no doubt that he would have done.

Then just before I was 41 we had another son.

In June we will have our first granbaby, another little lad!!

Life is....well it just is. I smile and banter and pretend and.....it is just life. Better than before but just life. I am probably part of the last generation who will tolerate crap...but please dont worry life is...life

Thank you for your interest it is very much appreciated

Thank you for your reply.
I looked at your pictures . You look like you are a lot of fun.You have had more than your fair share of sadness.I cannot imagine losing a child, far less two.

I hope you are not having to tolerate ongoing crap.

I know a woman who left her husband just shy of their 40th anniversary and her own 60th birthday because she did not want to throw any more precious years in his direction.

She is very happy and he is ok too.

Good luck with the grandbaby x

Thank you Jasper I appreciate your words very much.

If I tried to explain everything that has happened we would be here forever

I am ok - please dont worry. I am older and MUCH wiser now.

I am just so proud that my DS1 who saw a lot of bad things is the most wonderful man. He is so happy about his firstborn who will soon be here. He is a balanced, happy, well mannered, loving man.

Thank you again xxx

I've name changed for this one...
I read your posts with great sadness and despair. Your words brought back so many memories...'He locked me out' and 'he'll punish me'...
I got locked out several times because I dared to go out. I went to a Christmas do at work for the first time ever once and he didn't want to go as usual so I decided for once I'm going. He phoned the function hall/restaurant we were at and I was called out in front of everyone to the phone(no mobiles in those days, it was the mid 80's)...he told me that if I didn't get my backside back home immediately that he'd divorce me. Scared, I did leave and go home and he'd locked me out. He used to beat me for no good reason, not that there is a good one, but I'd spend my day off cleaning and polishing and he'd come home and ask me what the fucking hell you been doing all day...if I gave the wrong answer, he'd beat me.
I remember hearing the words falling out of my mouth once...'I walked into a door'!when asked about a facial bruise. I had loosened teeth, bruises, no self confidence or esteem. He was usually careful not to bruise my face, but I couldn't tell anyone for over two years. I left him, but went back because he 'was going to change, he'd never do it again'. He did change-for two weeks, then he said 'you'll never leave me again, if you do I'll burn the house down and you'll get nothing'. I was 22, I was scared. In those days the police wouldn't get involved in 'Domestics'-I tried. These days things are different and the law is on the abused persons side. I did eventually get him out. I had lived as his wife for 6 years. He had used me as a punch bag, he'd raped me, kicked me onto the floor out of bed(and I stayed there), he told me I was ugly, fat(I was a size 10),he beat me up really badly when I told him it was over...I got blood clots on my arms it was so bad...he told me that if he couldn't have me, no one else could. I got one last beating when he came to the house again and I got an injuction out on him. The best thing I ever did was divorce him. I was lucky enough not to have kids with him as God knows what he could've done to a little one.
Shocked, it's about control. He wants to control you that's why he locked you out etc.
Take back control and get out. They don't change, they just get stronger and more abusive. I've only touched on my experiences...there's a whole lot more and a whole lot worse, but they all start at the first time.
Good luck! big hugs and be strong.xx

hi shocked. Thought about you alot today. I am currently in the getting silent treatment mode. Spent all last week on my own. Womens aid is good. Have your local council got a safety net? They are really good too.

Hi Shocked...I know so well how you feel. I got out of my abusive marriage last year. I went to a women's refuge first, went back amid promises of change, nothing did change so I got an injinction. When that was due to run out I took the kids and fled. Literally. Left all our stuff, just took clothes and kids' toys/photos etc and fled over 200 miles. I was leaving because of emotional abuse. However, DD2 who's only 3, has since told me, in all her innocence, that Daddy used to sexually abuse her (she doesn't call it abuse obviously). I spoke to SS who called the police and now he is facing charges of rape against me and our daughter. The scary thing is,that after 6 years of living with abuse I didn't even recognise the rapes against me...one of which was anal rape. I thought I had protected my children from what was going on, but my son who is now aged 11 used to hear Mum being raped by his stepdad several times, and he still can't talk about it (I didn't know he knew...imagine a child lying in bed listening to that?)
I was and still am petrified. He has no idea where we are and the police are due to pick him up this week (the papers have to be delivered by hand 200+ miles away due to the sensitive nature of the material so it took more time than usual and it has to be handed over to the police where it happened). BUT...despite the fact that I am terrified of what he will do when he finds out I and the children are SO much happier. I am having terrible problems with my older DD, but she is slowly realising that she is safe here and we will work through her problems together. No matter how hard life is now, and it will be bloody hard if it all goes to court, it is still a million times better now I have my slef respect and dignity and life back, and my children are no longer witnessing or suffering abuse. Good luck.

I meant to say that it was the police who made me face up to the abuse I had suffered, who patiently spent hours with me, talking and pointing out that what he had done was rape and was NOT normal and was NOT acceptable. Living with an abuser blinds you to what is wrong. You accept abuse as part and parcel and can't see what's in front of you untilyou don't even realise that you are being abused.

Shocked - just wanted to see how are you feeling now?
Please do go and see a GP today just to check you are not injured more seriously than you think and to get this injury documented just in case you need evidence later. I hope you don't, but from stories on here it sounds like it is more likely than not unfortunately.
for all you other ladies who have experienced/are still going through this. Some very brave and supportive mners out there.

Has anyone heard from OP? hope she's ok.

Hi All. Sorry I haven't been on - it's been a bit difficult. Few days on and I'm still in shock, I can't cry. I start to feel angry and then just push it down because I don't want to open the floodgates.

H has apologised and seems horrified at what he did. I don't accept his apology and I don't believe his words. He's gone to see a Counsellor tonight and he's telling his parents at the weekend. His parents may try to convince him he did nothing wrong and I fear repercussions.

I have been doing a lot of research and frantically applying for jobs. I am trying to get all my info together so that I can make an informed choice on what to do. I've asked him to leave the house but he won't. For right or wrong I don't want to get the police involved if there is the smallest chance that we can both walk away reasonably amicably. I don't want revenge.

I am terrified about going through another break up as the last one was awful - not sure I'm strong enough.

Have any of you been through two break-ups? If so I'd like to hear your take on it. I've been asking myself what I've done to deserve this. I have suffered various forms of abuse at the hands of men in my life and I'm tired and sick of it - why me? What did I ever do to deserve what I've been through. Awful postnatal depression aswell - why? I know no-one can answer these questions but I hope you understand where I am with this.

On a different note, I would really appreciate hearing how other people got out and where they went, who they stayed with, did they rent, how did they manage money and all that kind of stuff.

My heart breaks when I read some of the stories posted here, some much worse than mine - it shouldn't ever happen, it's sickening. I'm so sorry to hear what some of you have been through and what amazingly strong women you are to come out of the other side.

I cannot thank you enough for your support.