Need to talk about what happened tonight - in shock

[shocked2nite]

My dd age 5 had a friend round for tea tonight. Her mum came to collect her at 5.30 pm and shortly afterwards my dh arrived home from work. It all went a bit mad and the kids went hyper. I had made us all a cup of tea and me and the mum were in the kitchen talking. Dd and friend were in the hallway harrassing dh and I could hear him saying, "no, that's enough, no more now" all that kind of stuff and I didn't think much of it. I'd had it for the last hour and so was a bit anaesthetised to it. I think he wanted to read something on the table and they were preventing him, as kids do when dad comes in. It got a bit embarrassing because the mum could hear him getting upset. She took the hint and gathered stuff and left. When they'd gone, I said to dh that I thought he'd been a bit rude, ignored the mum etc. He got angry and said that the kids had been hitting him and I hadn't dealt with it, I'd just sat in the kitchen drinking tea. To which I replied, I didn't know they'd been doing that but he was an adult and could deal with it. He said they had really hurt him and then I got a bit mad and told him not to be such a woos - they are only 5. With this, I turned my back on him to put something in the dishwasher and he said, "I'll show you what it feels like" and he lifted my top up and hit me as hard as he could on my back with all his strength. I was so shocked and the pain was so bad that I ran upstairs and lay on my front. My back was throbbing and when I looked in the mirror there were a couple of raised weals forming and I couldn't walk properly. Dd didn't see it happen but then had a tantrum about something else and then dh came upstairs, burst into the bedroom and said, "you've not bothered doing anything tonight, you deal with her, I'm going out". He then left and I struggled to get dd ready for bed. When he got home, I told him that it was unnacceptable what he'd done and that if he every did anything like that again, were were finished (he had previously hit me once on the back but not so hard). He replied that he wanted a divorce and would see a solicitor. I was so shocked that I left the house and when I got back two hours later he'd left keys in both the locks so that I couldn't get in. I called him several times but he never answered. By the time I got to banging on the door, he came down and opened it with a face like thunder. I'm too scared to go to bed and I know he will punish me for this because of his guilt. I'm strangely calm but feel really weird. What the hell do I do now?

you have to realise that your life is worth so much more than this misery.....he is obviously capable o7f doing more damage to you do not give him the chance to do it to you again.....no matter what excuse you try and come up with for his behaviour....nothing is acceptabe as an answer is there???? please do not waste your ife away with a cowardly bastard

Or he will deny it. He will say that you must have imagined it. He did push you a little bit, but only a touch, he didn't hit you. God, what do you think he is? a fucking wife beater? Why do you have such a low opinion of him?

He may say "I can't believe you're treating me like this"

He may very well do his best to get you to apologise to him.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

Even when you wake up tomorrow and you wonder whether it really happened, it is not your fault, and yes, it did really happen, no matter how much he tries to play it down.

And... if you don't leave, it will get worse.

The last time XP did something similar to me I stayed in the house that night (not recommending it - just recalling the state I was in). Got up in morning, looked after DS (who was a baby) did usual routine. Went to see two friends in the afternoon , didn't say a word to them about what had happened. Got half way home again, sat down in a park and cried my eyes out.
Of course you are in shock - he has broken your trust and there's nothing worse than being hurt by someone you thought loved you. But it is wrong, wrong, wrong and you are in no way to blame.
Please get some help as soon as you can. I know you probably don't want to believe it but this is really serious.
Have personally found the police to be very supportive.

very wise words coming from squonk....these types of men will blame everything on the victim because they are too cowardly to face up to what they have done....i know....my father was nifty with his fists from what i hear off some past women in his lives.....and i am ashamed sometimes when i have to come across these women knowing what my father did to them....please do not stay and accept his shitty apologies ang guilt trips that he will feed you because it will get worse

Oh shit.
I am so sorry. This makes my thread seem like a walk in the park.

I dont think so Devil, still systematic abuse.

Hope you have read throught the advice on here too ?

Abuse comes in 4 main categories - emotional, sexual, mental and physical; none worse than any others although some are easier to spot from a distance.

Devil - NEVER think what you have been through is some how less awful; it is abuse - any abuse is bad.

I am glad Rhubarb has been able to help you tonight - take courage from our experiences and make some changes. You can - you are strong enough.

Please listen to someone who has made all the excuses and forgiven over and over and over - go, as soon as you are able.

What makes me laugh, more than anything, is that H and I sit and watch crap like Jeremy Kyle and when a woman is on crying because her partner has abused her and hit her he says 'I dont know why women put up with that crap' I do a face like this and most of all

When 2 of our 4 sons died he had breakdowns - sorry to be a cow but - I didnt have time to have a breakdown I was busy organising funerals etc. He then said how hard hearted I was

I could write a library of books about this rubbish. I have anastasia playing as I am writing this - ballsy woman who's songs are ace!!

Come on my love - please x

Even if you do not want to prosecute him , call the police and get it recorded.
When I was being abused by my XP I had a domestic violence case being built up by reporting the incidents just to make sure they were on record.
It meant when I called them one boxing day after he kicked me in the head at a friends house they came straight away and arrested him.
Within minutes.
Protect yourself.

here here Victoriansq....sorry but I had a nosey at your photo's - lovley, lovley children.

Ha, yes in photo posing mode they are

LEAVE.

The weird feeling is disbelief.

Tomorrow it may turn into denial and thats a dangerous thing.

This is how it starts and it can get much much worse. If he says it wont happen again he may truly think he means it but it will happen again.

Really don't want to hijack on such an important and urgent thread - but, VS, does XP still see your DCs? In ongoing quandry about this.

Not really, I did try for about a year I pushed and cajoled him into seeing, his mum would have them overnight and he was meant to go there to see them but he just couldn't be bothered and fucked around, lying about where he was when he could have them etc.
Now they go to his mum or his sisters for family events, parties, xmas the such like and he is not allowed one-to-one unsupervised access.
DD knows why, she remembers him being drunk and turning up ay our house covered in blood from fighting etc, DS doesnt understand who he is.
That was more to do with finding out about his drug addiction though, and not trusting him around them in that respect.

Ok. He hit you. He had a bad time with 5yos hitting him and it made him feel angry, having toddlers reduce him to a tot himself. So when they left, he took it out on you. He gave him some control back. He was reduced of his power for a while. Now he has regained it. He's hurt someone else. Does this remind you of anything? It reminds me of nursery school children, when they hit other random kids because they've been hit themselves.

If you take it and do not retaliate, then he'll know that it's ok to do it again.

It might just be this once, or it was because he felt x y and z, but mark my words, he'll do it again, because now he knows he can, and get away with it. Obviously it's your fault, for having the tea, for not dealing with the kids. Obviously.

This is a stark warning for you. If you let him get away with it now, he'll do it again, you know he will, deep down you DO know that. If you stamp on it now, if you regain control, if you fight back, he'll know that he can't just lash out. He has to find another way of dealing with that feeling of losing control. He has to be grown-up for once. Is that so bad? He has to take responsibility for his own feelings. Why are men so bad at this?

You choose. You brush it under the carpet, give him a harsh word, and hope he doesn't do it again (whilst living in fear that he will, knowing that he will) or you put a stop to it now.

Toddlers. They hit and you tell them that it is not right. You don't say "well you hit so and so because they made you feel frustated", you tell them that under no circumstances is it ever right to hit, anyone. Men = toddlers. You need to set the record straight. It saddens me that tots are now taught to hit rather than be bullied. That's just saying "it's ok to hit if you feel angry honey!" - NO IT ISN'T!

He's a man now, he should deal with his anger better. If he can't, then that's his problem, not yours.

He Is The One With The Problem Not You.

This is unacceptable and it's about time he grew the fuck up and learnt how to deal with frustating situations. Otherwise, how is he going to cope when they get older and start challenging his authority? Who will he hit then?

this is the second time he hit you.

this time he hit you harder.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

This will escalate. In his mind it's your fault anyway, so why would he change?

thanks VS - will start own thread about this sometime

Rhubarb - fantastic post - heartfelt and important

Any man or woman can feel angry enough to want to hit someone, what seperates abusers and people with respect from numskulls is being a decent enough person to not raise their hand.
It's not right, nor acceptable.
It will escalate.
The first time you hit someone is the hardest to do, it's the crossing of the line, once you've done it and got away with it it's much easier to continue.

Just wanted to second what everyone has said. Also to put my twopennorth (?) in. Just wanted to say that a lot of people are scared of being single again, and stay in relationships because of that. I was in a relationship with a really messed up and rather controlling man. But scared to leave.

I got out and you know what? Life is good. Not perfect but definitely alright. I love knowing that me and my dd are safe and secure every night. I love not having to explain or justify myself to someone all the time. I love knowing that I am open to meeting someone who will love and cherish me in a healthy way.

My only regret is that I stayed as long as I did!

So really don't stay because you are scared of being on your own. Good luck.

Agree completely bluejelly. Didn't want to be a lone parent - didn't want to admit I'd made such a huge mistake. Was trying to stay with XP for DSs sake and, of course, nothing would have been worse for him than growing up seeing Daddy shouting at/pushing/kicking Mummy. (And have no doubt that worse things were to come if I'd stayed..)

Finally feeling much better now and realise what a quivering, wreck of a woman I was then - accepting the 'blame' for his bad behaviour completely wrecked my self-esteem.

Hope you are ok OP.

I was scared of change too.
But the change that came was the most wonderful change.
My children are happy, I mean really happy, carefree kids. It's scary to realise just how affected DD was at the time.
Also it meant I was free to meet my new DP, who is an angel.
Life goes on and you can and will and deserve to be happy!