Need to talk about what happened tonight - in shock

[shocked2nite]

My dd age 5 had a friend round for tea tonight. Her mum came to collect her at 5.30 pm and shortly afterwards my dh arrived home from work. It all went a bit mad and the kids went hyper. I had made us all a cup of tea and me and the mum were in the kitchen talking. Dd and friend were in the hallway harrassing dh and I could hear him saying, "no, that's enough, no more now" all that kind of stuff and I didn't think much of it. I'd had it for the last hour and so was a bit anaesthetised to it. I think he wanted to read something on the table and they were preventing him, as kids do when dad comes in. It got a bit embarrassing because the mum could hear him getting upset. She took the hint and gathered stuff and left. When they'd gone, I said to dh that I thought he'd been a bit rude, ignored the mum etc. He got angry and said that the kids had been hitting him and I hadn't dealt with it, I'd just sat in the kitchen drinking tea. To which I replied, I didn't know they'd been doing that but he was an adult and could deal with it. He said they had really hurt him and then I got a bit mad and told him not to be such a woos - they are only 5. With this, I turned my back on him to put something in the dishwasher and he said, "I'll show you what it feels like" and he lifted my top up and hit me as hard as he could on my back with all his strength. I was so shocked and the pain was so bad that I ran upstairs and lay on my front. My back was throbbing and when I looked in the mirror there were a couple of raised weals forming and I couldn't walk properly. Dd didn't see it happen but then had a tantrum about something else and then dh came upstairs, burst into the bedroom and said, "you've not bothered doing anything tonight, you deal with her, I'm going out". He then left and I struggled to get dd ready for bed. When he got home, I told him that it was unnacceptable what he'd done and that if he every did anything like that again, were were finished (he had previously hit me once on the back but not so hard). He replied that he wanted a divorce and would see a solicitor. I was so shocked that I left the house and when I got back two hours later he'd left keys in both the locks so that I couldn't get in. I called him several times but he never answered. By the time I got to banging on the door, he came down and opened it with a face like thunder. I'm too scared to go to bed and I know he will punish me for this because of his guilt. I'm strangely calm but feel really weird. What the hell do I do now?

Just wanted to give you a supportive hug - you are doing all the right things. Maybe think about getting things documented, it might be worthwhile for legal wranglings at a later date. Sorry it has come to this for you, but you are making the right decision.

shocked, I just wanted to add my support. What happened to you is horrible.
You have done nothing to deserve this , but perhaps there is something inside you that choses the 'wrong' men? They say it is a common thing with women, for whatever reason.

I know I'm shit at making the right choices.

Please take care of yourself and stay strong xx

Bumping like mad, nothing constructive to say-I've no experience of this but I am hoping others have xx

I'm so glad to hear from you shocked. I was really worried, but deep down I knew you'd be ok.
Yes, I've been through two divorces. The first was after my previous posts marriage. Then I married another man(on the rebound)who didn't physically abuse me at first, he just spent money we didn't have. I ended up drawing cash from my credit card to make the mortgage payments for three months. He got a hell of a lot of money out of me; money that I'd saved for many years through an assurance scheme. He was typically a man with lemonade money and Champagne taste. When I could take no more, I split with him and one drunken night(him, not me),and he wasn't really a drinker, he beat the hell out of me, I still have scars on my face and hand, though you'd not really see them now...it would've gone to court, but I felt sorry for him. Huh! so he got away with it. We did stay good friends I suppose and I took a loan out for him so that he could sort his huge debts-he had 8 maxed out credit cards and a car loan. He only paid me back half the loan...I had to remortgage my house and then I found out that he had continued to spend, spend, spend!
So Shocked. My advice for what it's worth is this; if you are going to stay friends with him, don't trust that he'll be an honourable man. Don't lend him money. Don't let him make you think it's all your doing.
For yourself; don't blame yourself or dwell on what might've been, you'll just be wasting energy. Don't do the rebound thing, you might just be jumping into the fire.
Don't do yourself down, you are a good and strong woman and will continue to get stronger. Things will work out for you. What is happening is what is meant to be happening. Be positive.
As long as you have a roof, food and clothing for your kids and yourself, you are richer than you know. Finally, smile, it keeps you beautiful.

Thankyou ANM, LEM and KW for your support. How awful Abused. Did you find someone else or are you happy on your own? Could you ever trust another man again?

I think there is something in some women picking the wrong men. I was abused as a child and I think ever since that point I have let people use me and haven't had the strength to stand up for myself. I do think there's probably a certain amount of luck in there aswell.

H went to see a counsellor last night but came home and refused to tell me anything about it. His choice I suppose. He said she has given him a lot of things to think about which worries me so I'm waiting for it to possibly kick off. He's going to his parents at the weekend and his mum is really strong woman and I'm sure she will manipulate him to make him think he did nothing wrong. She is very money orientated so will do everything she can to ensure that her precious boy gets the "family money" back from the house.

I'm still furiously getting info and support together so that I can make my move when I need to.

I can picture myself in a little house with my kids and no money but I don't really care about that - that's all I want at the moment.

Would really appreciate anyone telling me their stories with regards to the mechanics of how to move out, rent a place (do I need a full time job for this?) This would be really useful to me at the moment so I can see a clear path ahead of me.

Hi shocked. No, you don't need a full time job.

If you work, even if it's only part time you may find it easier to get a private landlord to take you on. They will ask for references, just to ensure you are reliable and trustworthy. They may also do a credit check. Some agencies charge a fee for this, I paid around £95 thress years ago. You will be asked to pay a bond and the first months rent in advance. And I think thats that! away you go!

If you don't work then if you find a house and contact the housing benefit office they will do an assessment of the house and tell you if you will be entitled to full or partial housing benefit. this is just to ensure that you aren't claiming for a house that is bigger than your needs.

If you do work, you income will be topped up by working tax credits. If you don't work you will be entitled to income support. They will take into account maintenence from your ex and any other income you have coming in. You will also get shild tax credits if you don't already.

You know, it will all seem pretty daunting right now and terribly scary but, its not half as bad in reality. Its well worth it for the peaceful and happy life it brings

TimeForMe thanks for that - very helpful and I'm glad to hear that there are things I can do to get a rented property on a part-time job. I feel more hopeful now. If you don't mind me asking, was yours a similar situation?

Only trouble is I've got no money at all so I'll have to beg some off my parents which is not hopeful either - they are a bit tight-fisted!

I'm looking for work because I think that is the best option for me and I'll claim what I'm entitled to on top of that.

HIya,

Depends what work you do really, and how much you get paid for that work, i mean, if you get £6 an hour, then unfortunately, soemtimes women find it financially better not to work, unless it is a full time job, and you have good childcare provision, that you can afford, or anyome to help out.
If you have a higher paid job, that is full time then you would be ok, but need to think abuot entitlements to free prescriptions, that type of thing, whic you won't get for yourself if earning higher.

I guess all kids prescriptions are free tho, whatever?

There is always lots of info on lone parents, lots of expereince, and support.!

Yes it was shocked. I've been through it twice actually. If i were you I would ring the local jobcentre and i would ask for an appointment to see a lone parent advisor. The Advisor will run you through everything you are netitled to and she/he will be totally honest and tell you whether or not it's beneficial that you return to work. they won;t let you take a job that pays you less than benefits, they really are on your side.

Mine LPA ws like good friend. I was in a really bad place at the time and she sat and listened to me, i had no one else to confide in then, I hadn't discovered MN She helped me all the way. My dd was only 16 months old at the time and I was worrie they would push me back to work but they didn't, she said I should only return to work when I was ready.

That would be my first stop if i were you

By the way, ask the LPa to tell you about the scheme wherein the housing benefit office will also loan you the money you need for the bond on private rented accomodation. As far as I know you pay it back when you leave the property. All you would need then would be the agents fee's but, if you could find a landlord who wasn;t using and agent you would avoid the fee's and a lot of the hassle in the first place.

Whatever you do, dont worry and don't panic. Just keep dreaming those happy dreams, allow those to keep you going and help you move forward

Thanks TFM and PC - really good advice. I shall make an appointment with the Job Centre.

Rent is so expensive round here and I will need 3 bedrooms because my eldest is a teenager.

Also, I have maintenance money for my eldest and would hope to have the same for younger dd. If I get maintenance payment, this impacts on benefits doesn't it? Does anyone know?

just to clarify, I meant the lone parents threads/topics on here.

yes and of course Lone parent advisors at the job centre.

Yet, tbh, it sounds as tho if your DH is to blamehere, maybe you need to seek advice with a solicitor, to get him to leave.

I have no exp of this situation, but someone else, might, say on the LP board??

If you sibmit a claim for Income Support then the benefits office will want you to persue a claim for maintenance through the CSA. You can use the abuse and the violence as a reason not to do this if you so wish. But yes, maintenance is taken into account when the assess your claim.

If you are working and can claim tax credits then your maintenance is not taken into account.

To be perfectly honest I was only £5 per week better off working and that was swallowed up in parking charges

If you were on inc support, yes any maintenance you get will be taken off you, bar £10 per child it's completely unfair. But as long as you are declaring that, and recieving income support, you will be entitled to full housing ben, and council tax ben.

Many councils cap the rent tho. They will say there is a limit on what one should be paying on a property. This is always unrealistic, and means that you have to find the money to top up your rent.

IF you worked, whislt on inc support, as above ( the same circs) you are allowed to earn £20 per week, and it not affect any bens.

If you worked part time, you CAN keep any maintenence, and if you arebeing paid a regular good amoutn then this may be best for you.

its the women who can't get any help towards the dc's that are trapped on bens (moi!)unless they can get a very good paid job.

Whilst on inc support, you can get

child tax credit, housing ben, council tax ben, and of course child benefit.

If you work under 16 hrs, you get the same (not the inc supprot) although it will be reduced rates dependant on earnings, AND working tax credit to top up, PLUS you can keep you maintenance.
Yet no help toward childcare ( how they think thats possible I have no idea)

If you work over 16 hrs you get the same again to some degree ( depends on wages) plus working tax credit and your maintenance.

phew!!

It IS doable tho. You will survive, and it prob seems very very confusing and too high a hill to climb, but I am on my own for different reasons ( he upt and left) and I have got there, despite thinking i could not live a happy life without him, or cope.

Its just having the knowledge of whats out there isn't it??

timefor me, its bloody stupid, the £5 thing isn't it.

I have seen a lovely little job going, but its not enough hours to bother with losing the bens.

Piratecat, i thought if you worked under 16 hours that they topped up your money with Income Support?

It certainly is Piratecat. It saddened me that I had to pay someone to look after my lovely little girl while i went out to work and what for? Nothing!

To be honest, I would have been better off not working, it was my foolish pride that made me do it

Not foolish, you just want to be contributing, and doing something dont yu.

I might be wrong on that under 16 hrs thing then.

OOh do you know any more about that??

might be timefor me to go and see a lone parent advisor,

don't listen to me anyone hee hee!!

Only that if you work under 16 hours they will top it up with IS so I should have thought all the benefits of IS come with it. I suppose Council Tax and Housing benefit will be assessed on the amount of IS you get but you should get all the other benefits.

It's a mine field Piratecat! oh yes, and in October they are very graciously allowing you to keep a whole £20 of your maintenance! How's that then?

Hi Shocked. Well, after the second husband, I did the rebound thing again - stupid thing to do....he wasn't the nicest man in the world, he was tight fisted(I still get nothing for my DS who's nearly 10), wouldn't do housework, washing, ironing etc so I was working very long hours and having everything else to do too...he brought another girl into my bed(I found the evidence, then she phoned me to tell me about it - tart!). I ended up pregnant, miscarried, then pregnant again(same man). He didn't want me to go ahead with the baby either and that's when I knew I didn't want him in my life any more. He'd had the fun but didn't want the responsibility of the baby we'd made together.
I was very lonely for a long time, 6 years in fact, but I had joined a couple of on line dating agencies and after kissing a few frogs, I found the man I'm with now. We have been together for 3.5 years though we don't live together, we do have a baby together though(not planned). He is quite generous financially, though I'm having real trouble meeting my mortgage and no amount of hinting nudges his hand. I'm not at work at the moment because I would be much worse off after childcare, I think he has perhaps lost some respect for me because I've chosen to stay home with DD and not go back to work at this point. I love him desperately and I know that he would not hit me. I also know that he'd never ever rip me off financially(not that I've got anything anymore).
There is definitely hope Shocked, there is always hope, but you have to have faith in yourself and tell yourself you are great and beautiful and worthy of being loved without fear of physical or mental abuse...if you are anything like I used to be, no one ever tells you these things, so you have to tell yourself.
Someone has mentioned a book on MN called The Secret...read it...any of you ladies that are a bit pessimistic or fed up or glass half empty...read The Secret.

ANM sounds like you've been through a lot.

I'm feeling awful tonight, really confused and panicky. I've got no money as I don't have access to his account. I have access to the bills account which is used for household bills and food and no more. Shit, what am I going to do. I occasionally ask him for a handout but there's nothing regular coming in. I can't stop crying now. He seems to have drawn away from dd too. He stayed out last night and tonight he was on his course. He always calls dd to say goodnight but didn't tonight. She wanted to speak to him so I rang his mobile expecting to leave a message from her but he answered the phone, which is odd because he always has his mob turned off. He cannot be on the course tonight - there is no way he would be speaking freely as he did to dd if he was there. I can't begin to imagine where he is or what he's doing. I have a really bad feeling about it all. He's seeing his mum tomorrow and staying with her all weekend without asking to see dd - I don't get it and feel really uneasy, like the calm before the storm.

Why is life so bloody cruel, I don't think I'm a horribly bad person but why does bad crap happen. I've got friends who are happily married - whey can't I achieve this? Do any of you ask yourself this same question? Wish I could understand.

I just want to run away from it all. Feeling really panicky about the lack of money.

Hi there i suspect that you are feeling like this because he isn't in contact with you. You are working yourself up because you have no idea what his next move will be and you are scared. This is all quite understandable. Try not to worry so much. I think it's quite possible he isn;t contacting you as a form of control. Try not to rise to it. He is a grown man and he is quite capable of taking care of himself so don't be wasting your time worrying about him. He obviously isn't worying about you or DD or he would have been in touch, even if only by text.

As for the money situation, why don't you just take things one step at a time. Why don't you look for a part time job so you have some money of your own. Start building a little nest egg. Then make your plans from there. To be honest, it will be easier to get a private rented house if you are in work and you will be able to apply for working tax credits once you leave him.

I can imagine the turmoil you are going through. You are wanting to leave and you are wanting to do it now but you feel trapped because you have no cash and nowhere to go. try not to worry too much, try to focus on the positive and start making plans.

If things get really bad with H and you are in any danger of further violence then you must ring the police and get him removed from the home. Try to see that as your safety net for now. Tell yourself that you are going to be fine and that there is help at hand should you need it. You have to stay strong sweetheart xxx