Need to talk about what happened tonight - in shock

[shocked2nite]

My dd age 5 had a friend round for tea tonight. Her mum came to collect her at 5.30 pm and shortly afterwards my dh arrived home from work. It all went a bit mad and the kids went hyper. I had made us all a cup of tea and me and the mum were in the kitchen talking. Dd and friend were in the hallway harrassing dh and I could hear him saying, "no, that's enough, no more now" all that kind of stuff and I didn't think much of it. I'd had it for the last hour and so was a bit anaesthetised to it. I think he wanted to read something on the table and they were preventing him, as kids do when dad comes in. It got a bit embarrassing because the mum could hear him getting upset. She took the hint and gathered stuff and left. When they'd gone, I said to dh that I thought he'd been a bit rude, ignored the mum etc. He got angry and said that the kids had been hitting him and I hadn't dealt with it, I'd just sat in the kitchen drinking tea. To which I replied, I didn't know they'd been doing that but he was an adult and could deal with it. He said they had really hurt him and then I got a bit mad and told him not to be such a woos - they are only 5. With this, I turned my back on him to put something in the dishwasher and he said, "I'll show you what it feels like" and he lifted my top up and hit me as hard as he could on my back with all his strength. I was so shocked and the pain was so bad that I ran upstairs and lay on my front. My back was throbbing and when I looked in the mirror there were a couple of raised weals forming and I couldn't walk properly. Dd didn't see it happen but then had a tantrum about something else and then dh came upstairs, burst into the bedroom and said, "you've not bothered doing anything tonight, you deal with her, I'm going out". He then left and I struggled to get dd ready for bed. When he got home, I told him that it was unnacceptable what he'd done and that if he every did anything like that again, were were finished (he had previously hit me once on the back but not so hard). He replied that he wanted a divorce and would see a solicitor. I was so shocked that I left the house and when I got back two hours later he'd left keys in both the locks so that I couldn't get in. I called him several times but he never answered. By the time I got to banging on the door, he came down and opened it with a face like thunder. I'm too scared to go to bed and I know he will punish me for this because of his guilt. I'm strangely calm but feel really weird. What the hell do I do now?

Oh yes def get the police involved - now, while they can see your injury. Are your family close?

Can I just make one comment about something you said in a previous post - you said he would never hit your DD as she means everything to him...........didn't you mean everything to him once?

Go to the police - get them to arrest him and remove him from the house - then on Monday (it possibly could be sooner if the police can provide you with a duty solicitor) get a restraining order preventing him from returning to the family home.

It is possible to deal with this, but you are the only one who can put plans into action.

He feels no remorse and is basically blaming you. He won't leave so has put you in the position of being mentally tortured. Call the police and explain to them what has happened and that he locked you out of the house. So what, he failed his exams. People do that every day. Is that your fault too? Could your family come round and at least support you for a bit throygh this. I understand if they can't. Could you phone them and talk to them about it? Ig he refuses to leave then maybe they could help you with rent or something to get you started elsewhere, even move back to be closer to them. Hopefully you could get the love and support you need there.

I wish you love, peace and a quick resolution to this. Remember you aren't alone, people are always here to talk to.

Report it to the police, so there is something on record, if it's the first ime he has has a run in with the police, they'll give him a caution.
Go to the GP before the bruising fades so it's on record, anywhere, somewhere.

This is abuse and it is domestic violence, it took me 11 years to get to the point where I had finally reached the end, 11 years till I finally woke up to the fact that being smacked or tapped or whatever is not on not ever.

For the record, there would be long periods (years as it happens) in my life too where life would be great and I'd think hey that was just a bad patch and we're over it, except it never was over, he'd suddenly start hitting me again over trivial things, like he didnt like what I had cooked (except he'd eat it first and then hit me).

Tell someone IRL, dont quietly sit it out.

If you don't want to go through the police I believe you can get him to leave via the courts anyway (though this is expensive if you can't get legal aid). You would be able to get an injuction ("non-molestation order") to keep him away from you and, I believe, an "occupation order" which would mean he would have to leave the house (which must be in joint names?) and stay away. See a solicitor experienced in family law as soon as possible if you want to go this route - though, honestly, the police would be quicker and cheaper (if they arrest him for assaulting you one of his bail conditions will be that he has to stay away).
Know this all sounds so heavy but it is a serious situation and want you to know that you do have some options, though I'm sure it's hard to think straight right now. Womens aid or National Domestic Violence phone helplines are fab.
Glad you are ok - take good care of yourself and DD.

Going to the Police could help you get him out of the house, but its a big step and will escalate things. But it seems like he is being unreasonable and cruel in not leaving. You would have to give a witness statement to the Police (with a view to him being prosecuted for common assault or assault occasioning actual bodily harm) and they would photograph your injury. They take domestic violence very seriously these days and usually make it a bail condition that the guy not return to the family home. This can give you some time to see a solicitor and set the ball rolling. With children to look after you should stay in the house as long as you are safe there.

If you don't go to the Police take photos of your injury before it heals in case you need the photos at some later point.

It seems your partner is in a bit of a dark place at the minute, its best you and kids are not with him.

Whereabouts are you, shocked? One of us might be able to put you up.

You need to pack while he is out, if he's still out. Don't tell him you're going, violence often escalates acutely when the man knows the woman is trying to leave.

Pack all your important papers, passports, house deeds, bank books,all of it, photos as well if you can, and some stuff for you and Dd like clothes etc.

Ring a cab or get your friend to collect you.
You can come back with a police escort if you forget anything important, later.

Get her to take you to the police station. They have a specialist unit which will sort you out or remove the man and change all the locks at your house.

They have systems in place. Get onto them NOW. This is an emergency.

I am so sorry for you pet. xx

Btw even if you go to the police and their DV team help you, you are not required to press charges - you can think about that later. But get some help, please. They will take you seriously.

Tell us where you are. I will come and get you if you are near here.

Yeah, sod it if he's acting like this then get the police involved. At least then you can stay in your home and he will have to leave.

Shocked.

If you have now entered the stage where you are thinking "He wants me out because he is so upset for what he has put me through. He will never do it again", or, "I can live like this because it only happens now and again and the most of the time things are ok-ish". Then I urge you to reread your entire thread again. You deserve better than this. Your dd deserves better than this. Please confide in your friends and draw strenght from them.

I think you need to get angry...you are the only one who will stand up for you and DD.

What would you want your mum to do if you were in her shoes?

Shocked,

Can you confide in the friend you are meeting? Can s/he help you?

If you don't know what to do first, make a plan. Break it into small steps.
What do you want to happen tonight? Tomorrow?
Do you want him to leave? Or do you want out the situation with your daughter?

Most importantly, are you safe? Is he going to kick off once he knows you mean this.
The police can remove him from the house if you want. If involving the police feels like too big a step, then call the helplines, they can tell you about your rights, and take you through the next steps.

Be safe, good luck.

Get your injury checked out. He could have done some damage to your back. Contact the police and have them photograph your bruise as this is evidence which can be produced in court.

The police and the courts view domestic violence very seriously and you should not be worried that you won't be believed. Do get help and if possible get him removed from the house. Then find a solicitor on Monday and file for divorce. This is only the beginning of the violence as it seems to me that he is doing whatever he can to get you to instigate divorce proceedings.

He says you have to divorce him because he knows you have done nothing wrong.

He is a bully and a total tosspot if his back hurts because a 5 year old hit him.

Send him out on an errand and get the locks changed.

Please can I reiterate the pleas to get your injury looked at? A blow at full force on your back could have done some serious damage, I'm thinking kidneys maybe that might not manifest itself immediately. (Note: I'm not a clinician or anything, this is just my view, but I'm worried about how you are feeling physically as well as mentally).

As for you'll have to divorce him because you're the only ones with grounds for it - erm, yes, that's right. You've done nothing wrong, he has abused you. So you do have the grounds, I doubt this is quite what he meant!

Women's Aid can help you. We can help you to a certain extent. The police can help. You don't have to manage this on your own.

Hi all. Spent the afternoon with my friend and was ready to go to parents for a few days. I'm ashamed to say I chickened out so I'm back home. I feel disgusted with myself and feel so confused. I don't have the guts to take it further, I'm so scared of what he'll do. I went through some similar stuff with my xh, although nothing physical and when he left it was hell. I can't face going through that again. I know I sound pathetic but please forgive me. I know how he operates - when he's cornered he fights back like a wounded animal and I am genuinely concerned about what he will do to me.

I have called Women's Aid for advice, they were brilliant. This doesn't mean I won't take action but I need to sort my head out. In the meantime, I'll keep out of his way as best I can. I'm finding it hard to think of myself as a victim - I don't think I've taken it all in yet.

You must be all very frustrated with me and I know your advice is good. My back still hurts but there is nothing to see now - it just really aches. I'm a bit worried because it is my lower back and I'm thinking about my kidneys but I seem OK.

Shocked. Did you read my post about what I had to see as a child? That was only the half of it. When I got old enough he hit me too. I am a fucked up person in many ways because of what my stepdad did to us. I also believe that if id been happier at home I perhaps wouldn't have made some of the bad desicions I made. But I cant turn the clock back.

Ive grown up frightened of my own shadow and resenting my mother for not taking me away from that.

Dont let this be your daughter posting in 20 years time. Please. I know you're frightened but you cannot let this go.

Hi pet, glad you made the call at least
I know where you're at, it's because if you leave, you're admitting to yourself that he really has done something unforgiveable, and that will open the floodgates of the built up fear and anger about it all, from however long ago he started making you afraid

That anger is terrifying to face, you will feel like it would never stop if you start to feel it - the feelings could be overwhelming and you might feel out of control, as if you could kill him etc.

But the thing is if you don't face it now, there will be even more of it to face when you finally do leave - if you leave, that is, because this man sounds as though he could quite easily kill you.

Sorry, that is a bit harsh of me to say but it is perfectly true.

Gather support, your friend etc and WA and have that network ready when you want to leave.

The more people on your side, the easier it will be to go.

Making the break in your head is the first thing - realising that you don't have to e with him, nobody is making you stay, nobody expectes you to.

You don't have to love him. No court in the land can make you sleep with him.

You need to harness that anger and it'll get you out.

Be brave, I wish you some peace tonight but for Gods sake don't stay long enough for it to happen again.

You're not a victim, that's a mindset you can discount. The PC term is survivor and on the surface we can all laugh about this as a phrase gone mad, but in your case it is completely true. If you were a victim, you would not have spoken about it on MN. If you were a victim, you would not have asked him to move out. If you were a victim, you would not have contemplated telling your friends. You are not a victim. You are a strong woman waiting for your moment.

Take your time and pick your moment. We don't know this man (and I think I speak for us all in saying we don't want to!) - you are the better judge of when the time might be right. Keep talking. We only want you and your dd to be safe.

Btw it took my mother begging me, for me to leave - before then I had no idea I was allowed to - sounds silly I know. I needed permission from someone who would be there when I left him, and help me through the shaky bit.

Thank god I had that support. Is your friend sympathetic?

Hi

I don't think you are pathetic and you have no need to ask for forgiveness. You are scared, worried and although you know what would be the best thing to do, you fear the consequences.

You did really well to ring Womens Aid, in doing so you have taken a big first step in admitting to yourself that what happened to you is unacceptable.

How would you feel about seeing a doctor, getting your back checked out and getting his attack on you logged. You may not want to go any further with it this time but, there could well be a next time and you may be glad of having a record of this.

Shocked, I know where you are coming from, am there myself. I would still see a doctor either ooh tomorrow, or your gp, the last thing you'd ever need is long term problems that could have been picked up.

It's tough, I know. And walking on eggshells is a bloody nightmare, so please, take the others advice if it looks like he is about to go off on one.

Thinking of you, take care

Thank you so much for not judging me and supporting me whatever. Something has flipped over in my mind and I know I have to act at some point soon. I need a strategy and that's what I'm going to do now. I have to stay in control of myself or I'm gonna lose it big time - can't afford for that to happen at moment.

Do you know that was the first thing I said to the police as well "I'm not a victim", and frankly I'm not.

But think about what advice you would give a friend in this situation. He has hit you, you need to have it on record in case you want to take it further at some point, even if not now. Believe me it will make things easier for you, just in case.