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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to talk about what happened tonight - in shock

198 replies

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 21:40

My dd age 5 had a friend round for tea tonight. Her mum came to collect her at 5.30 pm and shortly afterwards my dh arrived home from work. It all went a bit mad and the kids went hyper. I had made us all a cup of tea and me and the mum were in the kitchen talking. Dd and friend were in the hallway harrassing dh and I could hear him saying, "no, that's enough, no more now" all that kind of stuff and I didn't think much of it. I'd had it for the last hour and so was a bit anaesthetised to it. I think he wanted to read something on the table and they were preventing him, as kids do when dad comes in. It got a bit embarrassing because the mum could hear him getting upset. She took the hint and gathered stuff and left. When they'd gone, I said to dh that I thought he'd been a bit rude, ignored the mum etc. He got angry and said that the kids had been hitting him and I hadn't dealt with it, I'd just sat in the kitchen drinking tea. To which I replied, I didn't know they'd been doing that but he was an adult and could deal with it. He said they had really hurt him and then I got a bit mad and told him not to be such a woos - they are only 5. With this, I turned my back on him to put something in the dishwasher and he said, "I'll show you what it feels like" and he lifted my top up and hit me as hard as he could on my back with all his strength. I was so shocked and the pain was so bad that I ran upstairs and lay on my front. My back was throbbing and when I looked in the mirror there were a couple of raised weals forming and I couldn't walk properly. Dd didn't see it happen but then had a tantrum about something else and then dh came upstairs, burst into the bedroom and said, "you've not bothered doing anything tonight, you deal with her, I'm going out". He then left and I struggled to get dd ready for bed. When he got home, I told him that it was unnacceptable what he'd done and that if he every did anything like that again, were were finished (he had previously hit me once on the back but not so hard). He replied that he wanted a divorce and would see a solicitor. I was so shocked that I left the house and when I got back two hours later he'd left keys in both the locks so that I couldn't get in. I called him several times but he never answered. By the time I got to banging on the door, he came down and opened it with a face like thunder. I'm too scared to go to bed and I know he will punish me for this because of his guilt. I'm strangely calm but feel really weird. What the hell do I do now?

OP posts:
Alambil · 07/03/2008 22:08

A few examples of DV from Women's Aid site:

Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

0808 2000 247 - ring it, ASAP. 999 - ring it, ASAP.

You know that to leave will be hard - it will, there's no doubt but it will be better, surely, than living in fear in your own home?

I have been through this - my ex locked me in the house and did all sorts of other mental cruelty - he also slapped and punched me.

Please, please think about ALL your options - you do NOT have to put up with this and you are NOT to blame - ever.

yousaidit · 07/03/2008 22:08

Can you not go to your ex's where you elder dd is staying? Bollocks to good manners and nt something you'd usually do: f your dh attacks you again tonight, how bad will it be and will he leave you in any fit state?

GrinningSoul · 07/03/2008 22:09

i imagine he's not in his right mind...if you are sure you are safe (and i'm sure you know) then get to bed now and wake up early and start making changes. good luck.

i had a dad like this. scary.

QuintessentialShadow · 07/03/2008 22:10

Do not think about it. You know you will do nothing if you wait till the morning. He will have won, and he will know he can push it a little harder next time.

Aitch · 07/03/2008 22:10

have only read OP but i'm sure you know by now that this isn't acceptable. you could of course go to the police and should certainly take a photo of any bruising.
i'm so sorry that your dh thinks that this is okay, so sorry.

shabster · 07/03/2008 22:10

jand giant banana - I have pretended to my DS's that daddy was just play fighting with mum and that everything is fine. Now my DS1 is going to be a first time daddy in June and has learnt what NOT TO DO from his dads behaviour. He is a delight, he almost cries each time he talks about his little son who should be here soon.

My H only behaves badly cause I allow it. I hit back (literally) about 10 yrs ago when he went to hit my then 16 yr old firstborn son. I thought I had really hurt him badly and hoped that he would die. It was amazing how much things improved when I stood my ground.

I now know I am an intelligent, loving woman who is a great mum and nobody will ever get the better of me ever again.

QuintessentialShadow · 07/03/2008 22:13

The other thing is, children knows more, and pays attention to more than you realize. Do you really want to teach your dd that this is how women should be treated? Can you bear the though of your dd laying awake scared because she saw daddy hurt mummy, thinking it was her fault for playing up? Blaming her own little self for the abuse mum is suffering? Can you really?

marmadukescarlet · 07/03/2008 22:18

I have never posted on a DV thread before, but I want to echo what others have said please call the police.

It may be the shock he needs to make him realise he cannot behave like this.

As for you getting out? I know it won't be easy but surely the best thing is to get him out?

I would call womens Aid and get advice.

Original poster
shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 22:19

I really appreciate all your advice and good thoughts towards me. It's weird, it's like you're all talking about someone else. I've suspended my mind for the mo in order to cope. Am feeling very surreal - is this normal?

OP posts:
39andcounting · 07/03/2008 22:20

Yes, its your coping mechanism and you are in denial.

What is it going to take to wake you up ? Put yourself and your DD first.

winniethewino · 07/03/2008 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabster · 07/03/2008 22:22

Surreal is a good word for how you will be feeling. I urge you love - think about your child first and then you. Please. You need to be safe - both mentally and physically.

WallOfSilence · 07/03/2008 22:22

Are you a namechanger?

Are there any MNers you are in touch with or are local to you?

I would advise a break from him to give you time to think things through.

fryalot · 07/03/2008 22:23

completely normal.

Even when they are chasing you round the house and you are trying to dial 999 and hide at the same time, even when your adrenaline levels are sky high, it's like it's all a weird dream and it's not really happening.

I know it is hard. I know that you feel you have to make a life changing decision right now, but you don't have to make any kind of decision about where you go from here.

You do, however, owe it to yourself and your daughter to be safe until you have made that decision.

You will probably guess that a fair few of us on this thread have been through similar things to what you are going through tonight, and we are the lucky ones, we have come out the other side. You can too.

You won't find anyone who regrets getting out of the situation.

Original poster
shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 22:23

Can't do it at mo. Gonna go and lie down for a bit. Thanks so much for all your support - will let you know what happens.

OP posts:
Alambil · 07/03/2008 22:23

It is absolutely normal, Shocked - I called the police on my ex and couldn't actually remember what he'd done... my parents had to tell them (I'd told them what he'd done when they came to get me to take me to safety).

Will you ring the police? Please?

Herecomesthesciencebint · 07/03/2008 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 22:25

WinnietheWino thanks for your incredibly kind offer but you go ahead and enjoy your wine. Yes, I have name changed for this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 22:25

WinnietheWino thanks for your incredibly kind offer but you go ahead and enjoy your wine. Yes, I have name changed for this one.

OP posts:
Alambil · 07/03/2008 22:28

Also, don't feel you have to namechange - not like we are going to laugh at you or anything!!

Please don't keep this secret - it is the most destructive thing you could do (but you do know that)

Please, please - even if it is tomorrow when he is at work - call the police; this needs to be documented (even if you don't press charges - but I think you should)

Be careful, take care x

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 07/03/2008 22:29

God, agree again QS. I suffered for years watching my dad do horrible things to my mum.I used to peep downstairs when they were arguing and saw far more than she ever realised.

shabster, I'm glad you know your worth now, as the op even said, it's never too late. x

op, I think if you sleep on it in your house tonight it will seem distant and not as bad tomorrow, and you'll won't feel "justified" in doing anything about it. He'll probably wake up in a better mood and attempt to gloss over it. I bet he'll say you're overreacting and it wasn't as bad as you describe etc.

39andcounting · 07/03/2008 22:32

Can here it now cant you,

"I'm sorry, it wont happen again, I've got this new job and I'm trying so hard to provide for you and our DD, lets have a nice family weekend together, can I get you a cup of tea "

Alambil · 07/03/2008 22:34

There may be a "but you just don't understand do you.... I had to show you ... It's SO stressful in this new job" blah sodding blah - it's ALL lies; you do not have to put up with this shit

39andcounting · 07/03/2008 22:35

He WILL make you feel ALL the guilt......

Can he switch the tears on too ? Thats always a good one !

mamalovesmojitos · 07/03/2008 22:36

please shocked, please do not sneak away from the computer and push this to the back of your mind. the reason there are so many replies is that there are real ppl on mn tonight, upset, horrified and powerless to help a woman who is in physical danger in her home. people who will worry about you as you do not deserve this disgusting behaviour-no man or woman does. if your house was on fire you would run to save your life. you would stay with x husband, anywhere. please think can you stay anywhere else tonight or tomorrow. it doesn't have to be a final decision. leave now then take it one step at a time after that. you must protect yourself and your dd.