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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need to talk about what happened tonight - in shock

198 replies

shocked2nite · 07/03/2008 21:40

My dd age 5 had a friend round for tea tonight. Her mum came to collect her at 5.30 pm and shortly afterwards my dh arrived home from work. It all went a bit mad and the kids went hyper. I had made us all a cup of tea and me and the mum were in the kitchen talking. Dd and friend were in the hallway harrassing dh and I could hear him saying, "no, that's enough, no more now" all that kind of stuff and I didn't think much of it. I'd had it for the last hour and so was a bit anaesthetised to it. I think he wanted to read something on the table and they were preventing him, as kids do when dad comes in. It got a bit embarrassing because the mum could hear him getting upset. She took the hint and gathered stuff and left. When they'd gone, I said to dh that I thought he'd been a bit rude, ignored the mum etc. He got angry and said that the kids had been hitting him and I hadn't dealt with it, I'd just sat in the kitchen drinking tea. To which I replied, I didn't know they'd been doing that but he was an adult and could deal with it. He said they had really hurt him and then I got a bit mad and told him not to be such a woos - they are only 5. With this, I turned my back on him to put something in the dishwasher and he said, "I'll show you what it feels like" and he lifted my top up and hit me as hard as he could on my back with all his strength. I was so shocked and the pain was so bad that I ran upstairs and lay on my front. My back was throbbing and when I looked in the mirror there were a couple of raised weals forming and I couldn't walk properly. Dd didn't see it happen but then had a tantrum about something else and then dh came upstairs, burst into the bedroom and said, "you've not bothered doing anything tonight, you deal with her, I'm going out". He then left and I struggled to get dd ready for bed. When he got home, I told him that it was unnacceptable what he'd done and that if he every did anything like that again, were were finished (he had previously hit me once on the back but not so hard). He replied that he wanted a divorce and would see a solicitor. I was so shocked that I left the house and when I got back two hours later he'd left keys in both the locks so that I couldn't get in. I called him several times but he never answered. By the time I got to banging on the door, he came down and opened it with a face like thunder. I'm too scared to go to bed and I know he will punish me for this because of his guilt. I'm strangely calm but feel really weird. What the hell do I do now?

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 07/03/2008 23:49

Oh, poor poor you - sometimes i wonder if men hit women because they just can't take anymore. I have suffered with depression and i have pushed and pushed and pushed my DP, to the point where he has totally and utterly lost his temper. I knew that one step further and he would hurt .....himself!! After those confrontations i have thought, if he hit me then i would h ave to accept it...but you know what, he never ever did...my point is: I have pushed my DP beyond reasonable limits - what exactly was it that you did wrong? It sounds to me like he was taking it out on you because he couldn't handle two five year olds (well we know they can be difficult) but a grown man etc. The twat feels inadequate, he is inadequate.

I'm sorry but this man sounds like a total bully, i am more concerned re your mentions of "punishment" the emotional torture he threatens you with is worse than a smack in the mouth.

Take the advice give to you, for your childrens sake, how long before this happens in front of your children, before they notice you become submissive to him just to keep the peace, how long before he loses it with them because you are too numb for his "punishments" to make him feel like a man?? These are harsh words - but please, if you dont value yourself, value your children...leave.

beaniesteve · 07/03/2008 23:54

Summon all your strength, get your children dressed and out of the house. Tell someone you trust what has happened.

you can sort out what to do about the rest of it tomorrow. You will feel stronger then.

Jackstini · 07/03/2008 23:55

Shocked - seems like you have taken a break from this thread as it is too unreal to you.
I hope to God you re-read it in the morning and agree with everyone on here that you HAVE to get out, for your sake and dd's.
It is not normal - he is an abusive bully and , more scarily, he hasn't a clue how bad he is.
Please, please do something asap. If you are anywhere near Nottingham and I can help, just let me know.

snotbuster · 08/03/2008 00:05

One more thing - if, when he's done 'blaming' you he's really lovely over the next few days, buys flowers, treats you etc please realise that this is part of a classic abusive pattern and not real remorse. He will probably try anything to get you to stay. Be strong.

shabster · 08/03/2008 00:14

beanie - I agree with you with every fibre of my body. In a few minutes I will go upstairs to bed - my H is working, in a bar, and I dont want to still be awake when he gets home. I am 51 for FS and I am still worried about when he comes home. He will never hit me again - he knows what he will get. He says to me 'dont you think you should loose weight before we go on holiday' the evil fecker (sorry) now I just tap him on his bald head and say 'I will loose weight when you grow hair!' I would love to find a much younger man who really, really, loved me - warts and all

ScruffyTeddy · 08/03/2008 00:18

It will be hard I imagine for the op here to read this thread. It seems dramatic.

It isn't however. Ive seen it with my own eyes. I often woke up on a morning to find my mum with black eyes and broken teeth, glass doors smashed, holes in the walls. One day I found a big burn mark on their bedroom door when she had locked herself in so frightened and he had tried to burn her out. I saw him throw her down the stairs, smash a glass over her head etc blah blah.

and all this started with a punch that wasn't bad enough to make her leave. By the time she realised, she was too frightened of him.

shabster · 08/03/2008 00:24

OMG scruffyted - I am so sorry for all your sadness. Us adults are crap at stuff a lot of the time. Please dont think that is normal - I know you dont - you are quite obviously an intelligent woman

ScruffyTeddy · 08/03/2008 00:37

Im sorry, I didnt mean to scaremonger with that post!

But the reality is that one punch could lead to a lot more

fridgemonkey · 08/03/2008 08:36

Good morning, Shocked. How are you? I hope you are not feeling too sore.

Sometimes, you can feel in the morning that you over-reacted to events and that it really wasn't so bad.

You didn't over react, and what happened to you was not acceptable. He shouldn't hit you and lock you out of the house. He doesn't have the right to do that to you. It is just wrong.

You don't have to make any major decisions right now. You don't have to leave or call the police or do anything you don't want to do.

But it would be good for you to find out some more what you could do and how to maybe protect yourself. Maybe you could phone Women's Aid? 0808 2000 247. They are not going to judge you at all, but they are very good at listening, or maybe you could check out the website, if you didn't want to talk to anyone. www.womensaid.org.uk

The way he lashed out at you, the circumstances are worrying, really.
If you want my email addy, please let me know. Happy to talk through any or all of your options. You take care of yourself and your baby, OK? FMx

fryalot · 08/03/2008 08:58

morning shocked.

I logged on to say pretty much what FridgeMonkey has already posted.

So I won't repeat it, but know that we are thinking of you this morning. If you want to talk off the board, you can cat me.

Really hope you're ok this morning, if you're lurking, just give us a quick post to let us know that you are ok?

39andcounting · 08/03/2008 09:03

Morning shocked, did you manage to sleep, were there any repurcussions last night, and how is your back.

Have just read your thread out to my DH and he is horrified, and I quote "bastard"

Be positive today for yourself and your DD.

KaySamuels · 08/03/2008 09:18

Morning shocked hope you got some sleep. Can you maybe go for a walk with your dd to clear your head today? You were really brave to post this last night, we are all here to support you.

galleyslave · 08/03/2008 09:25

Shocked

I hope you are OK.

I hardly ever come on here - it is too fast for me!!! - but I felt moved to say something.

Another thought though. To leave or not to leave - you have had a lot of advice from some great mums on here, mums who have been through it. But you must do it your way. If you choose to leave I'm sure you will get support. If you choose to stay then I hope they will supporty you with that decision too.

It is a hard decision to make but it must be yours. I'm sure you will make the right decision for you. x x x

fryalot · 08/03/2008 09:28

Galleyslave is right, you will, of course, get tons of support if you decide to leave this man.

But you will also get tons if you decide to stay. It is your decision and, whilst I know you will listen to the advice you have been given, you must make the actual decision yourself.

QuintessentialShadow · 08/03/2008 10:57

Shocked, I hope you are ok.

Something occured to me. This time it all started with your dd hitting your dh. Seems she has already learned hitting is ok behaviour. Seems she has also learnt that saying "no" and "stop it" means nothing....
What else is she learning when mum stays and "copes with" being a punch bag?

Do you think your dd started this on purpose with the other mum in the house, hoping to provoke a reaction in your dh with another adult witnesss there? Was this really a cry for help from your dd? I might be misinterpreting, or seing signs that isnt there, but think about it, and I am sorry if I am too blunt.

How is your dd today?

This thread is making me feel very sad. Not just for you and your girls, but for all the other women here who has experienced this either as the beaten wife, or the scared child.

I hope, in a few years down the line, your dd will not be on a forum revealing how her childhood was ruined by a violent dad and a mum who did not love her enough to leave.

But this wont happen. You have strenght. You can do it. You know it in your heart. This really was the curtain call.

Lets hear it for the women who thought they were not strong enough to leave, but yet mustered to find the strength within them to come out the other end!

shocked2nite · 08/03/2008 12:41

Hi all. Left the house this morning on my own and wandered round town in a state. It's hit now, I feel really ill and my back hurts. I got home and faced up to him but he is still angry with me and says I didn't support him with the kids last night. Still haven't heard remorse for the hit. He said, "well my back hurts too from when the kids hit me". I called him a vicious bully and he said he didn't want to be with me anymore because he's had enough of me. I've just realised what he was looking at last night when he was getting stressed. Some exam results which he failed - well I never. I despise him. I asked him to leave if he could muster up a last bit of decency but he said no way was he going to leave the house - he pays for it. He said I will have to divorce him because I'm the only one with grounds to do it. What a cowardly shit. I'm meeting a friend this pm and taking dd with me. There is nowhere else for me to go, I feel so trapped but I know it's over because I'm scared of him now. How could he hit me and then lock me out and not say sorry. what sort of a man is he? There is no way he would hit dd, she is everything to him.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all your fab messages of support. Still don't know what to do first - want to just disappear.

OP posts:
shocked2nite · 08/03/2008 12:44

QS, dd has never seen him hit me - he's done it twice and I know she didn't see it. She was just messing about with her friend but you have a good point there anyway.

Where will I go? I've got no money, no job, no family near, no friends who have room to put us up. What do other people do in this situation?

OP posts:
dittany · 08/03/2008 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 08/03/2008 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 08/03/2008 12:49

SHocked, either the council or Women's Aid will make sure you have a roof over your head tonight, there are refuges etc. You will be entitled to things like housing benefit etc. Also, even if the house is in his name, if you are married and it is the children's home, there is a chance that he will be the one who is made to leave, at least for a couple of nights. HE after all is the violent criminal who thinks its ok to beat up women and children. Certainly you can get the police to escort you back to the house to collect belongings if you think he will attack again.

luvaduck · 08/03/2008 12:50

Can you go to your family even if they are not close??
I really think you should get the injury documented - by the police - as if you do get divorced he will look very bad, and it could swing in your favour.
well done for leaving, you've done the right thing for you and your dd, and you are very brave.
my heart goes out to you.

harman · 08/03/2008 12:50

Message withdrawn

McDreamy · 08/03/2008 12:50

Oh hun, how awful for you. I can only agree with what many have already said, you and your DD have got get out. I just don't know what else to say except I'm thinking of you

QuintessentialShadow · 08/03/2008 12:51

Go to the out of hours doctor and have your injury looked at and filed. Call womens aid, like Lewisfan below suggested.
You shouldnt have to leave the family home. He should.

If he thinks he has the right to be angry with you for something his daughter and another child did to him, he is not really thinking straight at all. It is utterly absurd, he as a grown up should not need his wife to come and help him deal with two little girls. And to be angry about it?

To whack you across your back? To lock you out of the house? I am sorry, he is an abusive violent bully of a pig! His behaviour is totally horrid and appalling, and you should report him to the police and not live in fear.

Do you seriosly want to risk finding out if he will not do anything to your daughter?

QuintessentialShadow · 08/03/2008 12:53

Shocked, I am sure if you tell your friends what has happened, there will be room for you. Even if that is a materess on a living room floor. Surely you cannot stay there. At least until you can go to your family.

Ask your friends to accompany you to the police station. You need all the support you can get. Just make sure you get it.