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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 07/03/2008 19:53

no you are right

and those aren't 'very tiny things'

Lucy10 · 07/03/2008 19:54

No, all men are not like that. You deserve so much better.

constancereader · 07/03/2008 19:54

Those are massive things. Has he always been like this?

NotQuiteCockney · 07/03/2008 19:55

Um, no, this isn't normal, it's bullying at the very least.

Does he think you're his child, to punish as he wishes, if you don't do what he wants?

janeite · 07/03/2008 19:55

You are right. This is a really nasty form of bullying.

pamplemousse · 07/03/2008 19:55

No way you are right this is not your imagination at all. Hope you get it sorted OK

pedilia · 07/03/2008 19:55

what a bastard!!
How dare he! Is he ever nice?

Sorry but if that were me I would refuse to bring the coffee and organise the clothes he's a grown man!!

I know it easy as an outsider to comment though!
What do you want to do?

PeatBog · 07/03/2008 19:56

No it is not. He is abusing you. It's clear that you know this. I'm so sorry. Is there anyone you can talk to about this in RL?

Other than that, I'm sorry, I don't really know where you can go from here, but I'm sure someone with more experience will be here shortly.

moondog · 07/03/2008 19:56

Tiny things????
You're joking aren't you?
Those are appalling things to do to someone.
Good God!
Is there someone you can talk too?

ladytophamhatt · 07/03/2008 19:56

bloody hell...i'm not sure what to say re the coffe and magazine but you absloutley right about him abusing you.
He is a pathetic excuse of a man.

Habbibu · 07/03/2008 19:56

Oh, those are not tiny things. All men are not like that, and none should be. I'm sorry.

nickytwotimes · 07/03/2008 19:57

He is being really mean to you. No, all men are not like that! It's one thing to expect you to do everything round the house - though that would be bad enough - but to berrate you for failing to acheive a ridiculously high standard is awful. He is being emotionally abusive. Are yo uable to get some help?

Original poster
Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:57

Fuck why did I namechange, you are amazing and supportive. I shouldn't be ashamed.

I just know everyone in RL thinks we have a perfect marriage and I am steadily realising, but feeling ashamed that it is far from it.
We met for lunch today and he didn't mention anything about last night.

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/03/2008 19:57

Make this the last day you take any of this crap from your husband and get yourself sorted out. He sounds bloody awful.

LyraSilvertongue · 07/03/2008 19:58

My DP is nothing like that at all. he does what he can, gets up with the DC in the mornings etc. He would never behave the way your DH does.

indiechick · 07/03/2008 19:58

This is not right and you need to do something about it. But I'm guessing you're aware of this. Don't really know who or what to suggest, maybe CAB in the first instance. Stay strong, this is him being unreasonable not you. Good luck.

hecate · 07/03/2008 19:58

No. It is not normal. No. All men are not like this.

It is bullying. You are his wife ffs. You are supposed to be cherished by him. You deserve nothing less than that.

SSSandy2 · 07/03/2008 19:59

how long has it been like this?

GrinningSoul · 07/03/2008 19:59

you are brilliantly brave for realising this and writing it down. I don't think it's reasonable behaviour. Might he be depressed? Do you think he is for example copying his parents' patterns?

I would try to get some counselling. can your GP help?

Megglevache · 07/03/2008 20:00

Message withdrawn

PuppyMonkey · 07/03/2008 20:01

Sounds like really serious psychological abuse to me and no not all men are like that. Don't put up with it.

LyraSilvertongue · 07/03/2008 20:01

I have a friend who has a really controlling partner and she's been having counseling. it's taken her ages to work up the courage to do it but the counselling has made her see her situation more clearly and given her the strength to do something about it.
Please don't put up with this behaviour any longer.

queenofthedumbquestion · 07/03/2008 20:01

Has he always been like this?

nowwearefour · 07/03/2008 20:01

definitely all men are not like that. is there any way you can think of to speak to him about it? was his parents' marriage like this?

constancereader · 07/03/2008 20:02

Too right YOU shouldn't be ashamed.

HE should. Very, very ashamed.