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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:
Katgirl · 07/03/2008 20:34

Have only read OP. My Dh is very lazy in the mornings and I have to give him a kick up the arse now and again.

But the rest of it... please. What a git.

Habbibu · 07/03/2008 20:34

Judge you? Oh Lord no. You poor soul - you are very worn down and made fragile by all this, I think. It's a brave and strong first step to have done this - you are to be admired for getting this far - stay on this road now, won't you?

Lulumama · 07/03/2008 20:36

judge you ! for what??? for having the strength to deal with this for so long

no judging of you ,my lovely, none at all xx

squimlet · 07/03/2008 20:36

no way do we judge you. We want the best for you and clearly this is not the best.
You need to do what is right for you and your children. Put yourself first and know that you are the most important thing in your childrens and your life.
Have the confidence to know that you have taken the first and most important step and recognised that there is a problem.
Keep strong and I hope you can move on from this

expatinscotland · 07/03/2008 20:36

Judge you?

No, him more like.

OracleInaCoracle · 07/03/2008 20:36

oh christ, he is behaving apallingly. im so for you.

my dad is an abusive man, has been since he was a child. he has rarely been violent, but has many ways to scare people. and because he is so charming people dont believe what he is really like.

this is not normal or healthy behaviour, but then you know that x

FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 20:38

it's him who should be judged not you, dont feel horrible for letting your emotions out x just because he critisizes you doesnt mean that everyone else will x

NorthernLurker · 07/03/2008 20:39

Icant - you've seen what everyone posting thinks - a rare united front! You shouldn't regret posting imo - what is happening to you is wrong and you should reach for help - but if you want to have the thread deleted go ahead. The next time you feel you need support there will be someone here.

Original poster
Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:39

Another example.
Recently he was dressing for work and called me to find a tie for him.
The tie had been covered in porridge a couple of mornings earlier as he kissed the DC goodbye when leaving for work.
He took it off (angrily) that morning and told me to get it drycleaned.
That was the last thing on my mind so it was still in the laundry bag.

He had the biggest tantrum and huffed about having to wear a different tie.

He then called at lunchtime to make sure I'd taken the tie to be dry cleaned.

I thought it was just him being silly,it is a really small thing, but now I'm thinking it was out of order.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/03/2008 20:41

Yes, it was.

If he wanted it cleaned that early he's capable of taking it to a cleaner himself - they're open during lunch and after work.

Original poster
Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:41

It says a lot I remember it so clearly too. I did take the fecking tie to be drycleaned, and recieved a kiss of thanks that evening.

OP posts:
Miggsie · 07/03/2008 20:41

Don't believe his version of you, YOUR version of you is what is important.
He sounds as though he is not kind.
You are very nice as to make allowances for him.
You also have courage for posting this and thinking about your life in such a positive way.

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 20:41

I won't judge because I've been there. Oh so confident now, will say how I feel, will defend my kids to the death. But it wasn't that long ago that the prick was still reducing me to tears. My mum too, they still haunt me, things they've said and done still resonate in my ears. The only friend I ever had stuck by me through thick and thin, but I never had any other friends. I was seen as thick and would never amount to much.

It wasn't until I was encourage to go to a residential college that I realised who I was as a person, and I feel as though I have blossomed since then, still am discovering bits of me that have been hidden.

We are not always the people we portray on Mumsnet or in real life. We are all vulnerable, we can all be hurt, sometimes by seemingly childish and petty things, but none of us are immune. I'll bet that every poster here knows something of which you've posted, they've either had experience or know someone else who've had.

Judge? Well I judge that you are a bloody brave woman, brave and incredibly strong.

Aitch · 07/03/2008 20:42

it's very controlling, isn't it? why shoudl you give a damn about his porridgey tie? why are you the queen of the laundry bag? oh dear, i think that now you've started thinking about this the floodgates will open for you.
i hope so.

FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 20:42

has there ever been any physical violence??? sorry if you have posted this answer before...this is as bad as physical abuse though...it's mental abuse,just because you have no bruises doesnt mean he's not hurting you

Original poster
Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:43

It's just small things though. He has never been violent, and is an amazing father. I don't want to leave him, but I know it needs to change.

OP posts:
FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 20:43

well said RHUBS x

Aitch · 07/03/2008 20:43

i hope you were very grateful for that kiss of thanks, i imagine your heart skipped a beat as you thought 'thank god, perhaps he won't go off on one tonight'. very controlling, he's skilled at this...

frogs · 07/03/2008 20:45

Rhubs, that was a lovely post.

ICTAM, he is being a swine to you. He works, you look after the children. 'Tis equal. You are equals. The fact that he earns and you don't (or he has qualifications and you don't) is irrelevant. He is only free to go out and earn because you do all the other stuff. Which is fine, but he needs to acknowledge it for what it is, and not treat you worse than the hired help.

Aitch · 07/03/2008 20:45

ahem, an amazing father doesn't withhold affection until the hoovering is done. an amazing father doesn't emotionally abuse the mother of his children...

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 20:45

My stepdad is great with younger kids, then when they go through puberty and start having minds of their own, start to develop their own ideas and opinions, that's when he starts. He'll undermine everything they say or do. He does it now with my nieces but I'm powerless to do anything. He just wants to be looked up to, to be the one in control, the one with the power. It's easy to lord it over little kids, not so when they start growing into little people.

Your dh may well do the same. Anyway, the kids will see how he treats you and think that's ok, that's how women are treated, that's how relationships work.

Nighbynight · 07/03/2008 20:45

Icant, he sounds pretty much like my ex.
Married at a vulnerable time in my life.
Immediately established him as the grown up, the "right" one, the strong one, and me as the child, the weak one, the bad one.
Would go violent if I didnt do everything he said.
Kept a close eye on me (hence frequent name changes on here, even though we are now divorced)
Constantly nagged and tried to make me into his perfect woman.
I never got to watch my choice on the tv for about 10 years
etc etc.

It will affect your children as they get older, especially if there is violence involved.

NorthernLurker · 07/03/2008 20:45

Look - a truly worthwhile father respects the mother of his children - I'm not seeing a lot of respect for you here

Original poster
Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:45

Rhubard thankyou so much, your post brought tears to my eyes.
Thanks, obviously to everyone else, just this was especially poignant.

What the hell do I do.
How can I go from a happy smiling mother at swimming class this morning to a woman with a marriage on the verge of breakdown.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/03/2008 20:46

I had a boyfriend like this for a few weeks.

Luckily I spotted it quickly and as soon as he found out I wasn't going to take it no matter how vulnerable a position I was in, he dumped me.

It's my goal in life to make sure my daughters are hopefully similarly equipped.

Because if not, I'll find out somehow, and then I'll make it my life's goal to get rid of him and no one ever, ever finding out who did.