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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 07/03/2008 20:02

My friend went to the CAB for advice and they referred her to a counsellor.

squimlet · 07/03/2008 20:02

Of course you are right. That is emotional blackmail and abuse at a bare minimum. How dare he treat you like you are there to serve him? Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. It should be equal.

Re read what you wrote at the top and you will see how it sounds .

You need to be honest with yourself and take advice and friendship away from him.
This is not normal behaviour in a relationship

Original poster

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:06

It's been the same since we married really. I have always been expected to maintain the house, finances, etc. It got worse when we had the DC. This afternoon have been stewing over it and have remembered a few occasions where I was too weak to stand up for myself.
One was when I had been up all night struggling with breastfeeding 2 week old DS and fell asleep on the sofa and he stormed downstairs and woke me up because he hadn't heard his alarm and so was late for work. He sad 'Don't let this ever happen again'
He's an adult, why can he not take care of himself and why have so little regard for me.

OP posts:

moondog · 07/03/2008 20:07

How long has it occured to you that this is FUCKING WEIRDO BEHAVIOUR????

expatinscotland · 07/03/2008 20:08

No, that's not how all men are, but it is how abusive ones are.

He'd like for you to believe you're imagining it, exaggerating it, and out of your mind because that's how abusers control people.

But you're none of those.

Get some counselling for yourself.

So you can get the self-esteem to not put up with this and to leave if it continues.

Depression is no excuse for systematically abusing your partner, so don't start going there with what the reasons are for his behaviour.

It's his behaviour and yours is yours.

Please get some help for yourself.

Megglevache · 07/03/2008 20:08

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 07/03/2008 20:09

Because he's abusive, Icant. And you are in an abusive relationship.

That's why he behaves how he does.

constancereader · 07/03/2008 20:09

What happens when you do stand up for yourself? Does he back down, or does he aggression escalate?

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Aitch · 07/03/2008 20:10

oh god that sounds awful, i'm so sorry. you're right, you needn't have namechanged, you have Not A Thing to be ashamed of.
my friend (former friend, actually) has a very controlling husband. does he let you have friends of your own? do you discuss this with anyone else?

squimlet · 07/03/2008 20:10

sweetie you need to seek some help. Seriously you are not imagining things. you are worth far more than he is making out.
Please please get some help

McDreamy · 07/03/2008 20:10

not sure what to say, you poor thing!

Megglevache · 07/03/2008 20:10

Message withdrawn

ScoobyDYSONDoo · 07/03/2008 20:12

I am so sorry to hear your going through this, can i suggest you get the post with your name deleted as if he searches your name this thread will come up xx

pedilia · 07/03/2008 20:12

DWP- so, so sorry you are going through this

what are you going to do?

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:13

I do try to stand up to him but it is hard to. I tend to want to get violent (physically) so try to calm myself down and then it is forgotten.

I think he is emotionally and intellectually overpowering for me, hence my need to want to lash out, but I stop myself.

Last night I was so angry I almost could have stabbed him.

OP posts:

Aitch · 07/03/2008 20:13

maybe get that last bit deleted if you think he might go so far as to search under your mn name, then? i'm sorry that this is your situation, you're right enough, you did know the answer.

my friend's wee boy, aged 7 at the time, once asked if my dh hurt me, as his situation was very okay on the outside but not at home so it was plausible that he just wasn't seeing me being abused. he'd basically been let to believe by his stepdad that everyone was like this but we don't talk about it. it broke my heart, actually. i tried to tell him everyone wasn't like his SD but to this day i don't think he quite believed me.

lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 20:13

Message withdrawn

Threadworm · 07/03/2008 20:14

Sorry you are going through this D W P. It isn't reasonable behaviour at all on his part.

Blu · 07/03/2008 20:14

His behaviour sounds like emotional and psychological abusive control, and must be very unpleasant to live with.

And it's a terrible exampe for your DC - and it is chilling that he refuses to play with them until YOU have hoovered. using them like that? They must feel so confused that he comes in and is so cold until he decides you have come to heel...horrible.

How strong inside do you feel? It's possible that he would respond to you simply being calmly assertive, BUT it's also possible that he would react by upping his bad behaviour towards you.How do you think he would react if you said 'This is a marriage, an equal partnership - we work as a team or we don't work at all. This is how it will be from now on: I do things because they are my responsibility, not because you force me. Likewise, you get on with things which are your responsibility'?

What's with the obsession with mess and hoovering? Is he obsessive an controlling about how the house is?

Would he go to counselling?

Could you go to counselling to get some support in dealing with this?

And goodness, no, you have nothing to be ashamed of - or embarrassed about. Many women have been where you are, and it happens to all sorts of people.

Good for you fro recognising that it is, indeed, abusive.

expatinscotland · 07/03/2008 20:14

You really, really need to try to get some help, Icant.

Because people like this don't just change course.

Lulumama · 07/03/2008 20:15

hey you , that is absolutely shit and there is a spare room at lulu towers
for you in this distressing situation

i am amazed you have had hte strenght to withstand it this long

it is abuse

please speak to womens aid

get help to get out

men like him won;t and don;t change

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 20:16

No, he has made you think that he is emotionally and intellectually more powerful, but he isn't. That's part of their game. I used to self harm, I couldn't find my voice, I thought I was stupid. Now I see that he is the one who was thick and he needed to put me down to prove his cleverness. Intelligent people don't need to put other people down, only thickos do that.

Original poster

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:16

It's been small drips, and highs and lows.
Sometimes we go through an amazing patch, and sometimes just weeks of bad times.

I now there is more I could be doing to help us, and maybe that gives him reason to be like this.

OP posts:

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