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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:
Nighbynight · 07/03/2008 20:47

rhubarb, my ex is EXACTLY like that with his children! Its a tragedy, he loves them but he loses them every time.

lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 20:48

Message withdrawn

FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 20:49

you have stopped skimming over the cracks....thats why things seem to have changed quickly....there is only so much shit that a person can take before he/she flips out, you are obviously close to this.
dont let him question your self worth anymore...because he does not deserve you.you are too good a person to let this man grind you down

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 20:49

primark, you can email me whenever you want. I know how this can make you feel over a period of time. Your posts have brought bad some dark memories for me. I hope this thread helps you to see just how he is manipulating you and I hope it gives you the strength to change things. Yours is a hard road, but there is a light at the end. I'm much happier since I left their clutches, scarred but happier. You are worthy of love and respect, aim for that.

Please do email me if you feel you need to. xxx

RGPargy · 07/03/2008 20:52

OMG, have only skimmed through this thread, but OMG!!!!!

Run. Run like the wind and take your kids with you!!

Sorry but the guy sounds like a freak!

Original poster
Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 20:53

Thanks Rhubrab

I just don't know. I know he would never agree to counselling. Perhaps I need to change, or at least my attitude has to change?

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 07/03/2008 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spicemonster · 07/03/2008 20:53

You're already doing something ICTA. You're telling people. And that is the very first step, honestly. Because the more you tell people, the more the little voice inside you that's been saying 'I don't think that's a very nice way to treat me' is going to get louder. To the point where that becomes the big voice. Take it as slowly as you need to but you've made a start. It's not your fault and you don't deserve this.

Someone said to me today that the reason that positive affirmation works so well is that our subconscious can't tell the difference between real and faint-hearted, it just hears the words. So if all you're hearing is that you're wrong and not good enough (because that's what his behaviour is saying) then you start to believe it. Start telling yourself every day in front of the mirror how awesome you are. Because you are you know

FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 20:55

change in what way????

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 07/03/2008 20:55

Back to my real name.
And feck it, if he reads it it may help him.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 07/03/2008 20:57

I'm just confused. Why has such a small thing made me snap and opened the floodgates. Am I overreacting? Am I overdramatising?

And I am now feeling if I am not, then I am more of an idiot than I thought I was.

expatinscotland · 07/03/2008 20:58

you are NOT overreacting or overdramatising.

it's called the straw the broke the camel's back.

Lulumama · 07/03/2008 20:58

punishing you for not hoovering when you have been ill is NOT NORMAL

depriving you of a hot drink and a magazine because he is in a mood is NOT NORMAL

i wish i knew what to say to make it better

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 20:58

You need to go to counselling. You need to hear how wrong this is and how you are worth so much more. You need to regain your confidence. You are not this person, what were you like at Uni? Did you ever think you would be in this situation? How long did it take for you to get to this stage? When you realise just what has been happening, then you get angry. You need to focus that anger in the right places.

What I did was to use it constructively. I wanted to prove to them that I was worth so much more. I got my degree and diploma, I got a group of friends, I got wordy. He felt threatened, he became worse, but I was out of it by then. The more confident and assertive I became, the more I could see what a prick he was. So I did my utmost to annoy both him and my mum, I told them how I felt, I didn't hold back. I proved myself, to both them and me. That's what you need to do.

Go see a counsellor, get someone on your side. Start opening up a little to friends, get more people on your side. Work out a plan. Take back control. Make little stands and see them as achievements. Fight back.

He either takes you as you are or not at all.

frogs · 07/03/2008 20:59

You are not overdramatising. The way he is behaving is not ok.

FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 21:00

you are NOT over reacting... as expat said it's the final straw a build up of little things that has piled up and your are sick of it....and nobody blames you for being sick....why not take the kids away for a couple of day???? let him sweat it out

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 21:01

Did you ever read that Stephen King novel Rose Madder. Bit different but still abuse. She cracked over one small drop of blood on her pillow.

You are not overreacting. You need a counsellor, a professional to reaffirm that. I never realised just how much abuse I suffered until I opened up to a counsellor, and then all those things I thought were normal, I found out were not. Other people were shocked about what I told them, this shocked me in turn. It Is Not Normal.

TimeForMe · 07/03/2008 21:02

Brilliant post and brilliant advice Rhubarb!

Stay strong DWP, don't let him do this to you a moment longer xx

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 07/03/2008 21:03

He's away tonight. I would call and confide in my best friend but she recently had her first baby and has to much to deal with without worrying about me.

Aitch · 07/03/2008 21:04

a counsellor/therapist for you would be a good idea, that may start to change things and then who knows, he may deign to enter Relate or something? but without wishing to sound too Oprah-ish, you need to do some work on you first.

TimeForMe · 07/03/2008 21:04

Can I ask, what would happen if you didn't bring him coffee and lay out his clothes? Would you be frightened of the consequences? Have you got to a point where you dare not not do as he demands/wants?

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 21:04

Sometimes it's nice to get away from nappies and vomit and listen to someone else's problems. And she'll probably be very very touched that you chose her to confide in.

Phone her. She's your best friend. She may have noticed the change in you and been wondering what to do. I bet she has.

FAWKEOFF · 07/03/2008 21:05

if you go to your gp he/she will put you in touch with a counselling service...you will probably be able to talk to a stranger better than someone you know.

fryalot · 07/03/2008 21:05

Have nothing to add to what the others have said, TDWP, but I wanted to add my voice to theirs. You are worth more than this git gives you and you do not deserve to be treated like this.

stoppinattwo · 07/03/2008 21:08

tdwp...........you are not an idiot for putting up with it....you are just beginning to see the truth, keep it in your focus or it will disappear again. Keep in your mind your logical thoughts, what he is doing is controlling, thoughtless, bullying.......i could go on. He is not fair, you need to keep this in your mind to move forward. What you need to decide is do you move forward with him or without him.

You need to stand up to him...along the lines of "if you want your tie dry cleaning, you have a brain go and sort it out, I am very busy today and wont have time, "

Would he ever get physically bullying with you, I had and ex BF like this and my stomach would turn somersaults because sometinhg wouldnt be quite right and i felt it was my fault.....

I really know where you are coming from, you keep talking to us all, we will help you through this XXX