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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 21:09

Hoping she's on the phone to her friend.

fondant4000 · 07/03/2008 21:09

You might be surprised what he'll do to keep you and dcs if you make it clear that unless he changes he is in danger of losing you. He might prefer to go to counselling than lose you.

When your self esteem is stamped on it's easy to think the other person doesn't really care if you're there or not. In fact his behaviour, bizarrely, is his way of keeping hold of you.

He needs to realise that he is not holding onto you by doing this, he is losing you. You have heard 'if you love someone, set them free'. Well if he doesn't stop being a control freak, you are going to get to a stage where blow up and leave.

SSSandy2 · 07/03/2008 21:09

Unfortunately I think we need to make our boundaries clear, even in the most intimate relationships when we think it isn't necessary because they are governed by love - and it is something we women seem to be badly prepared for because we are brought up to be so kind and understanding and all the rest of it. He (and everyone in our lives) needs to know up to here and no further, there's my boundary. He's pushing your boundary further and further all the time.

I'm not at all surprised you feel violent towards him, it's a reaction against feeling impotent I think but I'm no counsellor.

Could you conceivably, whilst you are thinking what to do, have more people in the house more often, also when you expect him back from work?

SSSandy2 · 07/03/2008 21:10

can't help thinking changing the relationship is going to be very difficult because he is not going to give up this sense of power easily, is he?

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 21:10

Just tried CATing you but you don't accept them. Darn it, my email is guinness _ maiden @ hotmail. com email me and I'll give you my phone number. You call and I'll listen.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 07/03/2008 21:11

Timeforme. actually yes.
Just last month his alarm went off at 6am and I was asleep, but aware of it. I had been up until 3 am with DS who was in a hyper mood. He ripped the duvet from me and wrapped himself in it and told me he needed a coffee.

He reasons that he's the one who has to be up and out of the house all day for work and go away with work , wheres I have the 'luxury' of being at home with the DC, with a part time nanny, and working on an ad hoc part time basis.
I always thought what he said meant sense.

fryalot · 07/03/2008 21:13

you thought what he said made sense because he has brainwashed you.

TotalChaos · 07/03/2008 21:15

Devil - very sorry you are going through this. Not being the full time worker is no justification for the way he treats you. It's not normal. Best wishes for finding a way out of this.

Aitch · 07/03/2008 21:15

well it might, kinda, if he wasn't such a prick about it.
these men don't just magic ideas up out of the sky, they like to hook them to something 'real' so that you can't question them.
obviously if he weren't being an arsehole then it would be perfectly reasonable for you to keep the house and him to bring home the bacon. and have a cleaner to do it when you're working, of course. but he just ripped up your magazine because he was cross with you, for goodness sake... so he isn't behaving like a partner in life.

TimeForMe · 07/03/2008 21:15

Then you must listen to Rhubarb sweetheart. You need all the help and support you can get. At the moment he has you right where he wants you, with a very low esteem and feeling you need to do everything he asks to save suffering the consequences. Not a nice place to be.

How would you feel about not making his coffee? Making a stand. Does it frighten you to even think of it?

lennygrrl · 07/03/2008 21:17

Message withdrawn

BINAH · 07/03/2008 21:17

I know the feeling...My dh is the same.lately he put a shirt around my neck and almost chocke me because it wasn't ironed the way he anted...so...big hug to you ......

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 21:18

Funny that, my stepdad used to demand that my older sisters made his coffee on demand too. He'd just say "coffee" and whosever turn it was had to go and make his coffee. To this day, none of us can drink coffee.

He was and still is, a number one twat. You deserve so much more. You are teaching those kids, you are caring for those kids, your nanny gets paid to do what you do for free. She gets holidays - when do you get holidays? Do you get time off for sickness? No. Does he? Yes.

You work, then you come home and work some more. Who makes you a hot drink? Who cares for you when you are ill?

TimeForMe · 07/03/2008 21:20

Actually TDWP, what you have is a full time job based over 7 days, on call 24 hours and, without the luxury of a salary or someone to bring you coffee or lay out your clothes.

mehdismummy · 07/03/2008 21:20

hi there dwp. I know. Really i do. Saw a woman from a womans aid group this week. It helps to talk. You are not doing anything wrong. It took me a long time to realise this. I still look in mirror and hate what i have become. My h is the same. If you ever need to talk just post on here. The ladies on here are and will be your light and you are not alone. I wish i could just come and hug you. Please i have a copy of heat. Will share if you like seriously the wonderful selfless women on here will help you to get strong. They are helping me. My email address is available if you need to talk.just cat me

stoppinattwo · 07/03/2008 21:21

I would swill him with his fecking coffee...................oh I am getting angry flash backs

expatinscotland · 07/03/2008 21:21

You know, my mother never worked outside the home at all after my elder sister was born.

She never went to university - most girls didn't in those days. She went to secretarial school and was working as an international secretary when my dad met her when he was an Army officer.

He later got a master's degree in petroleum engineering.

She always had a cleaner at the least and sometimes, when we were living abroad, other staff.

And not once in a million years would he have dreamed of treating her the way your husband has treated you, or lording it over her that he was the breadwinner, etc.

Because only abusive gits act like that.

Aitch · 07/03/2008 21:21

aw shit, Binah.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 07/03/2008 21:21

R I have emailed you

VictorianSqualor · 07/03/2008 21:22

TDWP, Sweetheart, this is horrible, but I know exactly where you are coming from.
My ex was very similar, he'd call me from cooking dinner in the kitchen and watching a 2yo (DD at the time) to come into the bathroom to pass him the shampoo above his head

It started off small and got progressively worse until I was called a tramp if my house wasn't to his standards, things would get smashed up, and if I dared to leave a book lying around he;d throw it in the bin, even some of my coursework for college got screwed up and thrown away because I left it by the side of the sofa.

In my situation it was different, it ended in physical and sexual abuse as well as emotional, and I later discovered he had a drug problem, I finally left him when I caught him with someone else, not because it hurt me but because I felt that I finally had a valid reason to leave him, like the mental abuse wasn't valid enough, and every time it progressed, even as I lay there whilst he forced himself on me I still couldn't admit it was abuse. Please don't make it take that to get help.

If I had maybe faced upto it sooner I wouldn't have gone through what I did, nor would my children.

You need to deal with it now, admiting it to yourself and then others is the first most important part.

Now you need to decide if you think it is something that with counselling can be dealt with, and if you want to deal with it.
Good Luck.
x

mehdismummy · 07/03/2008 21:24

rhubarb. Its women like you that women who suffer dv feel they can do something other than feel crap. What a wonderful woman you are. X

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 07/03/2008 21:24

I feel shaky and a bit odd that I have just opened myself up so much on here.

Someone send me a virtual slap please.

LyraSilvertongue · 07/03/2008 21:24

I'm still amazed that a grown man expects help getting dressed for work. He needs a major attitude change, and fast.
I really hope you get the help you deserve.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 07/03/2008 21:25

Rhubarb my email to you is coming back as a delivery failure

Rhubarb · 07/03/2008 21:26

I once put salt in the sugar bowl as a kid, then forgot I'd done it. When stepdad took a swig of his usual coffee he splattered it all over the room! My sister got the blame as she'd made it and I felt so guilty, but I was too shit scared to own up. She still doesn't know - but I smile when I think of it now!

A small, tiny act of rebellion.

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