I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

my cousin is married to a controlling type. I think he is depressed too. It's a difficult marriage. She went to a counsellor who was able to make some of the mechanisms of their relationship clear to her and give her some advice on how to react to him to attempt to change things. He would not consider any counselling unfortunately. He is always right of course and she is always wrong.

She said the counselling helped but she is quite a quiet and non-confrontational person and I suspect that because of this, the marriage can not ever be totally turned around unless soemthing occurred to make him see the light and want to change. I can't imagine what.

I suspect your dh's behaviour has become entrenched now and he has convinced himself that if he is angry with you, it is because he has the right to be because you have done something wrong. He is your dh but not your boss and it is not good for you the way things are. I'm afraid having a talk to him about it won't be enough, it's going to need a long-term strategy, best get some good advice.

'I now there is more I could be doing to help us, and maybe that gives him reason to be like this.'

and what exactly is he doing ot help??????

this is not just about you...

Oh, no no no. There is NO reason for him to behave like this. You mustn't think that.

'I now there is more I could be doing to help us, and maybe that gives him reason to be like this. '

No, this way of thinking is the result of his abuse.

You are NOT responsible for this. At all. Okay?

And btw, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, all very characteristic of abusive relationships, that's why so many stay in them for so long.

Just wanted to lend my support. Hope you sort out a way to resolve the situation to your satisafaction. Sounds awful. Unfortunately I wouldn't have any advice other than leave him which is probably not very constructive.

what do you really want to do?

sorry you are going through this, you deserve better.

Don't make excuses, nothing makes him like this. Nothing. He wants to be like this, it strokes his ego, plain and simple. For whatever reason, he likes to control you. Perhaps he was controlled as a child, perhaps he is controlled at work, whatever, he is abusing you. There is a lot he can do to help the situation, but he doesn't, he just likes to make you feel crap. So long as he has you where he wants you, he feels powerful.

Message withdrawn

Some men are like this all lovely when you are just girlfriend and boyfriend and then "snap" they turn into monsters as soon as they are married as they think that they now "own you".
That's the one thing i said to my DH, don't turn into a monster after we get married.
But you usually get clues that they are going to be controlling at the very begining.
What is his mother like? is she a doormat as well to your father in law?
If you went away for a few days with the kids would he come after you?
You deserve better than this big baby!
AB

But thanks to all of you.

And a sickly hug emotion. Maybe even some virtual kisses.

It's really helping to write this down, it's making it clearer for me. Your advice is much appreciated but I still feel you can't really know without me spending hours typing out our circumstances and the highs and lows of our relationship.

Ohh Icant, Just read your latest post and I'm eeven more shocked and saddened.

I hoep starting the thread is the first steps towards a better relationship, either with or without him.

I'm so sorry to hear this, ICTIA. I have no constructive advice really, but am worried and sad for you.

Was he like this before you married?

im sorry for u (((i cant ))).....i hope you can get it sorted i think this was a huge big first step for you and you are v brave xxx.........just a tjought u could spit in his coffee and get his trousers taken in on the waist at the dry cleaners........

what is it that you want, for you and for your children?

beacsue a happy, healthy life in this marriage , is not going to happen..

if he won;t accept it is his issue to deal with too, you are on a hididng to nothing

i know i am not in your shoes, but after so many years, you will have such a skewed perspective of things and what is normal

It isn't you.
He would do this to anyone, just to prove how "big" he is.
He is quite dreadful and has he started on the children yet? Cos either he will or they will copy him and think treating you abominably is "normal".
If he senses you want to leave he will do "nice" for a while to confuse you and lull you into a sense of false security.
Exactly the same thing is happening in my family to a close family member. It is terrible.
For your own sake and sake of DC you must take charge of your sanity and integrity and get out.
I know this sounds harsh but if you stay it will get worse not better.
Not all men are like this, some even say nice things!
Please please find a support group or someone close who can help you resolve this before he really turns into the tyrant he most undoubtedly is.

Virtual support via PC wires...

Rhubarb he was, his mother is a crazy control freak and still is. He also has abandonment issues from his relationship with his dad.

It's funny I posted earlier in the week about a conversation we had regarding what we would do if we were to divorce. It seems all more real now.

And it took a copy of heat magazine and a cup of coffee to realise!?

I think all relationships have highs and low etc but thsi really isn't normal.

even the lowest of lows wouldn't cause that type of behaviour for most people.

that might be true, rhubs, or it might not. my friend's husband is a bright bloke, a doctor, and one of the reasons he chose my friend is that she was a bit vulnerable about her education. (one thing and another had made her results bad, but she was of course a bright girl too but probably in truth not as clever as him. he was fucking evil personified and used his big brain to cook up terrible abuse.)

he never lost the opportunity to lord it over her, that he was clever and she was 'stupid', and of course his 'case' was easy to prove because he was a doctor and she was 'just' a housewife. so you see, the fact that she was less well-qualified was part of her attraction to him, it made her an easy target iykwim?

there's quite a lot of literature that Womens Aid has about what these abusive men go for, and how any difference in status (class/intellect/wealth etc) will be exploited by them.

regardless of their relative intellectual status, though, i agree with you that the point was that he didn't have the right to treat her like dirt. like blu says, they were supposed to be partners in the marriage.

so who knows whether this not-so-DH has an enormous brain or not, he may well do, the point is that he is acting like a tiny man and poor ICant needs to be treated better, definitely.

You mustn't think that this is normal behaviour in a relationship.
If one of dc's is a girl and she was with a man that treated her like this what would you think?
What would you want her to do?
I hope that your situation improves x

Of course there are good things - you wouldn't be struggling with this if there weren't - but those highs, those bits when you sit as if on a knife age thinking 'everything's ok, just have to keep it this way' - those things do NOT make up for or justify the abuse you are being subjected to.
This is a hard thing to say and a hard thing to hear - but your children will learn how adults behave from you and your husband. What they see now may set the pattern for their whole lives - whether you have sons or daughters - you have to protect them and yourself.
Please get some help to build your self esteem and then go from there. Take care.

Aitch that hit a nerve. He has said similar to me. He is far more qualified and has a much broader work experience.
I graduated and had a short succesfu career which we mutualy agreed I would sttep back from to focus on a family. I feel I am doing the best job in the world righ now and have few regrets.
He also throws in my face the fact we have a nanny as I 'can't cope'. But doesn't complain when my pay cheques come in.

I'm almost regretting posting this now. My RL friends believe the facade, and mumsnet is an extension of RL.
I hope you don't judge me.

Judge you???

Only in that you are obviously living with a man with serious issues, bless you.

(((((huge hug)))))

at least you have realised that this isnt a healthy relationship....thats the first step babe.you should tell him to fuck off back to his mother, because that's where children ought to be, you have kids of your own...you dont need to bring him up as well, he is nothing but a schoolyard bully sweetheart x

och i'm so sorry, it sounds so cruddy. must wipe you out you a little every day... that's what my pal said it was like anyway, like being erased. she's still with him, by the way, she couldn't make the break.

and judge you? hardly. that's his fucked-up thinking leaking into you, not anyone else's.