I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

Devil I've hesitated about posting this because tbh I don't think some of the things your dh does are excessive - my dh has what sounds like a similarly stressful job, I have a relatively easy life (kids in pre-school/school, cleaner, plenty of money) and I do make sure his ties are cleaned, his dinner is ready and generally act like a 50's housewife. He's even been known to call me and remind me of things I need to do, and did complain a couple of years ago about the state of the house.

But and it's a bloody big BUT, my dh has a completely different attitude. He respects the effort I put in, fully understands if the house is a tip occasionally because I've been busy with something else, (when he was complaining I had both kids at home and PND, and he said he hated coming home to mess so we were getting a cleaner) and never ever ever makes me feel afraid of him. If he was asleep and I wanted to read I wouldn't dream of putting the bedside light on - I'd go into the spare room so asnot to disturb him. But I'd do that because I wanted to be nice to him, not because I was afraid of his reaction.

Do you think your h actually loves or respects you? And are you prepared to live with a man who doesn't?
Could you get some counselling - on your own to start with because I doubt he'd go with you. I've just finished therapy to deal with issues from my childhood,a nd it helped so much to have someone validate my feelings that things hadn't been right and get outraged on my behalf. And for someone to tell me to stop makeing excuses for other peopel or trying to blame myself for their actions.

Forgive me as this will be very long, but this weekend has been really good for all of us.

DH had five days off, and DS had a stomach bug. That, with the crazy weather, meant we spent longer together than we have for a very long time. He got to see what I have to do everyday and was remarkably helpful.

On friday we had friends over who are newly married and in the very lovely stage, it made me crave that and when we went to bed we ended up talking for hours. It was well oversue to be fully and openly honest about our relationship and what we want, and I must adit wine helped, but at least we did it.

I have realised that I haven't helped matters sometimes. I feel as though I am juggling jobs (mother, work, wife, sister etc), and not doing well at any of them. I've decided to stop working until the DC are in full time school and then to take a new degree course.

I feel really positive about it, I've never been fully happy with any nanny we have had and working from home just causes me so much stress. I'd rather make the most if the time while the DC are young and at home. I know I am lucky to be able to do so.

DH has admitted his stress at work and stress withn his family have been building up and he has taken to drinking to try to calm down, but obviously this has the reverse effect as it makes him angry. I wrote him a list of the last times I could recall that he had upset me and he was horrified to read it. I suppose the small things don't add up until you are confronted with them.

I don't know if I am hoping for too much but we seem to have a better level of understanding now. He goes away tomorrow so we will see how things transpire.

Hello I've been keeping an eye on this thread and was quite concerned about you. I'm quite new around here so didn't really want to give you my opinion too strongly!

I'm really pleased that you've had the chance to properly talk about things and I know you don't need me to say that you do need to keep doing that in the short, medium and long term!

I find visualisation quite a useful thing to do when there's big decisions to be made or changes going on in my life. Maybe while your dh is away you can spend a bit of time really thinking through what life is going to be like now with you as a full time SAHM. What will be happening; how will you be feeling; what will dh's attitude be like etc. What will need to be happening for you to be really happy? Then you can maybe continue your talking with your dh and start to really make it work for you both.

It sounds a bit wanky and I haven't really explained it very well so ignore it if you like. Anyway I hope things stay on the right track for you all now.

Also thought you'd like to get a post when things are going better - you had so many when things were crappy!

squeaver thanks for your post, you made me smile .
Don't worry about being 'new' here, your opinions are probably more valid than a few of the old timers, lol.

That was a really helpful post. I know I will do that, and it is perfect timing as dH is away. I am probably going to finish my last project by thursday so from then will be a SAHM. I have been before, but they were much smaller then. I think I will do okay.

Thanks for posting and don't be nervous wade into any thread, it's all good (most of the time)

DWP I've followed this thread from the beginning, but haven't posted as others have said it all really. I'm glad you have had a heart to heart and I really hope things work out for you. He sounds like a frustrated toddler as someone (100x?) said before - and that can't be easy to live with! Good luck

There is no point in us bad mouthing your partner off to you, because he is your partner and you care about him and know him intimately. HOWEVER the behaviour you describe from him is WRONG. People we love behave badly as well as people we do not love. This is all abuse, in fact, technically it is domestic violence (which is a term police apply to psychological ill-treatment as well as assault). If you are in any doubt about whether any of his acts are unreasonable imagine if a colleague did the same to you at work - you would not be wondering whether you were being bullied - you would feel justified in bringing a grievance against them. Partners should treat each other better than colleagues, with love and care. So - what to do about it: There are support groups in all areas of the country, a quick internet search will tell you who to ring first, but you also need to get your thoughts in order too. What is the outcome you want? Pressumably to remain with him but minus the bad treatment, or is it to leave him? You must take advice from trusted friends and then devise a plan. Domestic Violence/women's aid groups can help you with this, and most are run by survivors of abuse. Think where you want to be in 5 / 10 years time, and also what you want your children to learn at this delicate age, and take action. Good luck.

Oh and another thought - have you tried your health visitor? Most of us only see them about twice in our children's lives, but they are there all the time and trained to deal with these kind of things. You might just get lucky and find a really experienced sympathetic one.

have put up with two men like this... He is a sick, emotionally damaged man who cares only for himself. This behaviour will only get worse . He IS abusing you and you cannot put up with this treatment... YOU deserve much better. He is a bully and not worthy of you or any female. He needs a good smack between the eyes and a kick into the gutter. I have lived with 2 men who have been violent towards me and guess what ????? NO LONGER...... Dont put up with it ... LEAVE HINM !!!!!!!!

DWP - I'm glad you feel better now that you have talked. Please feel free to tell me to go away, but are you sure that giving up your work is the right ting for you as oppposed to something that will be better for him, because you'll be better able to pander to his every need and whim?
I speak as someone who has given up a career to be a SAHM who also looks after teh house and dh to enable him to focus on work. I found it really really difficult - I stopped valuing myself, felt like I still wasn't doing a good enough job, and this was with a dh who made a point of telling me that we were a team and that he couldn't do what he does withjout me. Nobody gives you ego boosts when you are a SAHM, well nobody but your partner, and your dh sounds as if he's been detroying your ego rather than boosting it.

Are you looking forward to him being away? And if you are, what does that say about your relationship? I grew up screwed up because of a bullying mother, aroundwhom we always had to tread on eggshells, and I do know how confodence detroying such people can be. please use this time by yourself to think about what you really want and what you deserve.

He is away now and I have really enjoyed the time to my self so far.
It's so much nicer to do everything on my own terms. The DC are missing him already though.

How are things going TDWP?