Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:
ggglmpp · 20/03/2008 08:11

What do you actually want to do, TDWN? I think you need to know yourself, before you can do the sit down and chat reasonably thing - which I am sure you will wnat to do when he gets back from Tokyo.

I decided (twice!!) that I couldn't envisage life five years down the line, taking the same shit, and nothing changing - so I have literally 'moved on' twice, after ultimatums and chances and all that crap.

I am not saying leave him, I am saying that something has to change as it sounds awful and on the five-year-down-the-line thing, unworkable. What can be changed?

PS. I would like to remain married this time, so did the five-year thing very early in the relationship!! Everyone has faults, it is just the ones that can't be taken in the stride that count.....

Beetroot · 20/03/2008 08:11

Beetroot

nosleepsmallhouse · 20/03/2008 08:12

hi

I am new to this site and this is the first time i have ever posted anything.

Cappuccino, your husband sounds like he is being an absolute pig, but could he be jealouse of the DC?

Not sure it would help, but if you can afford a cleaner, could you get one to get home and sort the house out in the afternoons? it will give you a bit of breathing space and your husband may get better.....or not....I don't know.

He sounds like a real macho man......not all men are like that lovey.

ahundredtimes · 20/03/2008 08:47

His life is frustrating him, nothing goes the way it should, his colleagues are inept, the tubes are a fucking disgrace, the house isn't tidy enough, he can't get enough sleep, nobody understands the pressure he is under, the children are too demanding and probably not disciplined enough, his boss misunderstands him and how the hell can he carry on when the tie he NEEDS right now isn't clean?

DNP - he needs to sort his head out, you can't do that for him. He is being unreasonable - but he won't see that because it is the WORLD which is unreasonable, not him.

Yurt is right (as usual) - you need to work out what you want. The battle lines are all blurry, because his head is wrong. Work out how you want things to change, how you need things to be when he's back from Tokyo.

TBH there is nothing worse than living your life on eggshells and with your shoulders up around your ears - because you know he's going to blow any minute. I know, I've done it.

MadameCh0let · 20/03/2008 09:00

How close do your parents live?? Now this isn't every girl's dream I know, but I just left one day, with one rucksack and one buggy and two children. My parents live in Ireland, and so here I am at 38, living with my parents!! Luckily, they've been great, they don't care what people think, they just want us all to be happy. I had lived in England for 14 yrs, all my close friends were there. I was happy there apart from the dreadful relationship. Or so I thought, I realise now that I wasn't happy. There was plenty in my life that was good, but it could never outweigh living with a man who treated me like an incompetent unaid employee.

I wish I could go round to your house with a van and say grab your coat we're off.

I've been in your shoes, I really have. Whatever your options are, you'll be happier on your own. Being a single mother is a walk in the park compared with tip-toeing around a monster.

MadameCh0let · 20/03/2008 09:04

Ahundredtimes
"His life is frustrating him, nothing goes the way it should, his colleagues are inept, the tubes are a fucking disgrace, the house isn't tidy enough, he can't get enough sleep, nobody understands the pressure he is under, the children are too demanding and probably not disciplined enough, his boss misunderstands him and how the hell can he carry on when the tie he NEEDS right now isn't clean?"

Blimey this rings a bell. There are too many men like this.

Buda · 20/03/2008 09:05

Actually 100x talks a lot of sense. I don't know why I said 'actually' as that sounds like she doesn't usually but she does!

Anyway - my Dad had us all walking on eggshells as we were growing up. He had a shocking temper and you never knew what would set it off. He would always comment on the state of the house - claims that "this place is never hoovered" etc. We couldn't sit down on a Saturday until the whole house was cleaned from top to bottom. We used to dread having to ask him for money for anything for school. He was agressive and volatile.

He retired about 5 years ago and has noticeable mellowed. I have been thinking about it a lot due to issues with my mother and looking back I can understand WHY he was they way he was. He was angry and grieving for a child that my parents lost when I was 4. In those days you just got on with it - esp the men. He had to bolster up my Mum and she then had 2 more children in quick succession. He was not overly happy in work either and really would have been happier working for himself but it was too risky financially as he was the sole bread-winner. His retirement brought about some calm as he obv wasn't dealing with the frustrations in work. It also came at a time when he opened up a lot more about what had happened when the baby died - he had a period of months where he dreamt about it a lot and I think it was him finally grieving and letting go. Also his retirement (and not having to support us any more) meant that he doesn't have any more finacial worries.

The difference is amazing.

You DH is quite possibly feeling overwhelmed by his responsibilities and issues at work. I am in no way condoning his controlling behaviour but maybe it is his only way of controlling anything? Thinking about it - the whole thing of you waking him up with a coffee and the shower on smacks of depression. Maybe he CAN'T face waking up?

MadameCh0let · 20/03/2008 09:10

I mentioned to my own ex that he might have depression, he wouldn't hear a word of it. It was everyone else at fault. He was the lone genius and voice of reason surrounded by incompetent buffoons.

ahundredtimes · 20/03/2008 09:52

The 'actually' has been noted Buda and written down.

Buda · 20/03/2008 10:04
Grin
hettie · 20/03/2008 10:11

What an amazing woman you are, I have masses of respect for you and think you are underestimating just what stregnth it takes to try and deal with some of these issues. I just wanted to mention that Relate does work with domestic abuse, they have specific programmes for both partners. It might be worth going to see them on your own first to see if you can get some support/help. They will refer you on if they think you need specialist/individual counselling....

largeginplease · 20/03/2008 12:24

I think the lamp throwing is very worrying, especially as it was in front of your DC. This is not the first time he has thrown something, and I'm worried next time it will be a slap or worse . He is being violent towards you in front of your children!!! The way you feel about him going away is a strong indication that your relationship is on the critical list. IIWU I'd use his time away to build up your self esteem, and think about what you want from your relationship, so you can tackle his behaviour on his return. If you can also work out an exit strategy, you'll feel stronger. Even if its just somewhere for you to go for a few days to give him time to think about losing you for good if he doesn't change. If you can, and if you don't have one,think about opening your own bank account and building up some money of your own. Difficult if you're not working but the CB could go in there, plus any housekeeping money. Money is obviously one of his issues. Counselling really helps too, because, great as friends and family are its difficult to dish the whole dirt. It will help you be more assertive too - don't take this shit! (Please) No one has the right to treat you like this.

Miaou · 20/03/2008 12:35

TDWP - I don't know what to say, but can't not post. I really feel for you. Take strength from the massive level of support you have on here my love

meglet · 20/03/2008 14:07

I wish I could come round and chuck him out your house so you can have some peace. My DP was thrown out by the police a week ago for being abusive and I have been over the moon ever since. He is a lot happier too and we had a very good Relate session last night so maybe we can mend the relationship.

Please don't wait to get really hurt, leave or get him to go, at least see a solicitor, there may be some way to get him out. He's the one being a shit, he should go. Nothing can be resolved in this situation. x

camillathechicken · 20/03/2008 14:11

it is abuse.

treading on egg shells

never being good enough

getting it wrong

making his life harder

you make him throw things, you make him stressed

the next thing will be he will hit you, and it will be your fault for adding to the pressure he is under

i think that it will escalate

i think that he is showing less and less restraint.. throwing the lamp in front of your DD...

i'd think very hard about what you want, and what is best for you and the children.

you cannot live like this for the rest of your life.

he cannot process the fact he is abusive, so he is not going to stop.

zog · 20/03/2008 14:30

TDWP I really feel for you. There's been some excellent advice here. 100x's description also really rang true with my situation - there's too many of us

ahundredtimes · 20/03/2008 15:13

Yes - but it's all tips and balances and shades this kind of behaviour which is why it can be hard when you are inside it. My DH might and does rail in the way I described - he's a moody bugger - but he has NEVER made that internal rage/frustration personal to me.

So that's the bit that matters. He has never thrown a lamp across a room, or told me to hoover or poured my coffee down the sink.

Your DH is making it personal. He's lost control of his anger, he isn't thinking straight about what is reasonable, what is rage, what he is responsible for.

That's why it needs to be sorted.

Cappuccino · 20/03/2008 15:20

"Cappuccino, your husband sounds like he is being an absolute pig, but could he be jealouse of the DC?"

just to point out that I haven't even been on this thread

so why my dh is being accused of being a pig I have no idea

yurt1 · 20/03/2008 15:25

you made the second post Cap. I think it was a mistake.

Cappuccino · 20/03/2008 15:27

oh sorry yes

gosh that was a long time ago

Habbibu · 20/03/2008 15:38

Oh, DWP, this is not right. You aren't over-reacting, and just because other people may have had even worse situations, doesn't make his behaviour acceptable. Throwing his wallet at you? Throwing your lamp on the floor? These are the actions of a toddler, ffs. I think you do have some hard decisions to make - either to make him face up to how badly he's treating you, or think of another plan...

Blueskythinker · 20/03/2008 16:34

He threw his wallet at you!!!! This is violent behaviour.

If my DH did something like this his sorry ass would be out of the house before he knew it. Your D?H is really angry with you for standing up to him. This is only going to get worse, as he tests to see how far he can go.

bellawilliams · 20/03/2008 23:51

I have rarely posted on the site but read it a lot but am moved to tonight because I find some of the behaviours described by you DWP so familiar. You feel like you're exaggerating and it's not REALLY that bad some of the time; and perhaps you could do better and therefore make him happy. In my experience (and this is not with DH but someone else) - you will never be good enough,no matter how hard you try. This is a way of controlling you and to an extent it works because you feel like you're in the wrong and carry on trying to get his approval. It eats away at you and makes you feel like shit. You need to take strong self-preservation measures, whatever you decide they are. And know that you are not alone. This happens A LOT. To sensible strong lovely women.

TheHedgeWitch · 21/03/2008 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GirlySquare · 24/03/2008 15:12

TDEN I'm new to this thread. You're being so strong and a real role model for abused women, well done!

omg this so reminds me of my dad when I was growing up. Althought he was hardly ever violent, we kids lived in the fear that his underlying moodiness would suddenly change into violence. We were never good enough and even now he comes out with a devastating put-down whilst denying that he's aware of any effects on the whoever was on the receiving end of his rapier wit.

Always critcizing and never praising, we've all had to fight poor self-esteem. And he's charming outside the family unit. After mum and dad divorced due to his adultery, we had family members say what a great dad he must have been.

Sorry to rant on, just a reminder that dh's behaviour effects your DC's view of the world too.