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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Daughters bf touched me inappropriately

177 replies

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:28

after my grand baby was born, I began to notice his daddy was a bit more tactile to me than I was comfortable with. This man is a great dad and good to my dd. Dh and I, all the family are very fond of him.
There have been half a dozen or so times when he has lingered longer than needed to take the baby from my arms, or when he was on my lap he stroked the inside of my thigh. Each time it happened I felt sick. It was very triggering for me. I eventually called him and told him, I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable. He apologised profusely and said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about but he was so so sorry that I was upset. I told him it was fine and obviously a misunderstanding, I was relieved this was the case and said I felt it best for us all to move on and my dd and my dh did not need to know, as I felt it was now dealt with. Anyway dd called me up, he told her. He was very upset, dd was very upset too obviously and said she had no doubt in her head he did not mean anything by it at all. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said to her right away, I told her I was trying to not hurt her, that I felt I was in a horrible position and would do anything not to hurt her, I had felt the best thing was to speak to him direct. I told my dh and he completely agreed I had done the right thing. He totally understood where I was coming from and the love for our dd was uppermost and we didn’t want her to be hurt, but I also had to be true to myself. He backed me completely. My relationship with dd is in tatters. She has told me today she resents me for this, she agrees she has not been very nice to me since and feels I should cut her some slack because of what I have put them through…… I feel
I am going mad. What else could I/ should I have done? Obviously she knows her partner far better than I do but I believe I had to stand up for myself. I feel today I have lost everyone. My dd my dgc.

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 13/10/2023 16:32

When you say it was triggering for you do you mean that you've previously had a terrible experience with a man or men ?

It's entirely possible that you may have thought it was something it wasn't but I'm inclined to think that if this is the case you know exactly if it was deliberate or not.

You did the right thing.

My guess is that he was pissed off with you and only told your daughter in order to make a rift as a way of getting back at you.

MintJulia · 13/10/2023 16:35

You behaved exactly as I would do, except I would have spoken sooner. Stroking your thigh is NOT a mistake and you are not going mad.

Your sil is not the nice person he pretends to be. Don't let him gaslight you.

As far as your dd is concerned, all you can do is put it behind you, and not give him the chance to do it again.

Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 16:43

I bet he is not used to the woman speaking out..

Kangarude · 13/10/2023 16:44

If I was going to say something to SIL, I would also have spoken to DD.
It doesn't mean he's guilty because he mentioned it to his wife, in his shoes, if innocent, I would also have done the same thing.

Kangarude · 13/10/2023 16:45

I think you did the right thing in speaking out and I hope you don't lose DD, DGC.

Chowtime · 13/10/2023 16:47

If my son in law stroked the inside of my thigh whilst I was holding his child I'd punch his fucking lights out.

IF, being the operative word.

TurnerP · 13/10/2023 16:47

Im sorry this has happened to you
Is it possible that you, your DD and DGD can get time together without the SIL, if you express how much you miss them
Ideally you want to smooth things over before xmas

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:50

Yes when I was younger

OP posts:
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:53

Would you though? I front of your dd? There is definitely no IF …. He did do this

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 13/10/2023 17:07

Difficult one. Your daughter is obviously feeling torn. If I was you I would try to rebuild my relationship with DD while keeping sil at a distance. I was ghosted by my DD for 3 years several years ago and it nearly killed me but you need to do what is best for you xx

SunflowerTed · 13/10/2023 17:13

I think you did the right thing too. I think he’s told her as he has been found out and is now blaming you for calling him out to save himself embarrassment. He’s engineered a fall out so he doesn’t have to face you !

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 17:20

I don’t want to doubt you but it does seem odd and I wonder why you didn’t say something at the time. Why would he do this in front of his wife and she not notice?

I am very tactile and I worry my behaviour might be interpreted like this sometimes. Actually one time a colleague said “stop that please” while I had a hand on his arm. I wasn’t embarrassed, I obviously respected his boundaries.

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 17:22

How did he stroke your thigh while putting baby on your lap? Is there definitely no way he was just being gentle with the baby?

FitAt50 · 13/10/2023 17:22

Can you explain how he stroked the inside of your thigh?

TGNW25 · 13/10/2023 17:30

WTF? Why do you two think you can ask an already traumatised women to provide a graphic account of her distressing experience?

OP you are a brave women .I hope you can salvage as l she your relationship with your daughter xxx

toomanyboxes · 13/10/2023 17:31

Anyway dd called me up, he told her. Did he now? Why would he have done that? And what exactly, did he actually tell her? I very much doubt that it coincides with what actually happened.

Beautiful3 · 13/10/2023 17:31

I think its best to actually say out loud, please dont touch me on x, in front of everyone. So everyone knows, he will soon stop doing it. No man has accidentally stroked the inside of my thigh?! Thats actually quite gross of him, he definitely knew what he was doing.

Beautiful3 · 13/10/2023 17:33

You did the right thing by the way. That would have triggered me as well. Stay strong 💪 you are amazing. The truth will always come out in the end, and your daughter will reconcile with you.

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 17:34

FitAt50 · 13/10/2023 17:22

Can you explain how he stroked the inside of your thigh?

It’s very hard to understand how he put a baby on her lap and stroked her thigh in front of her daughter and no one said anything then?

OP asked if she could have done anything differently. She could have perhaps said “wtf did you just stroke my thigh on purpose then?!” At the time. Or told her daughter to tell her husband she hates being touched. I’ve no idea because it’s hard to tell without context!

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 17:34

The clues are in the fact that he had no idea what you were talking about and apologised profusely to you and it was left as a misunderstanding that didn’t need to go further.....

Then he takes it to your DD and is v v upset.....

This duplicitous behaviour tells you all you need to know.

He is attempting (has achieved?) to create a monumental rift between you and your DD so that he can isolate her.

Know what you are dealing with now. His mask has slipped he is not wonderful - he is manipulative and abusive.

I can understand he told your DD - but the way he told her could not have been reflective of your discussion.

Even if she went off the deep-end if he was genuine he would be desperately trying to put the genie back in the bottle and mediate to restore the relationship between you and your DD.

But he isn’t because - this suits him.

I am sorry that he has sexually assaulted you and then gone on to blow up your relationship with your DD.

I would do anything and everything to restore contact with your DD - even if you it involves an apology for a misunderstanding - because if she is in a relationship with this type of character you need to maintain connection with her but from then on normal rules don’t apply.

Read up on coercive controlling relationships and how to engage with the victim (your DD).

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 17:35

i had the baby on my lap and he put his hand under baby’s bottom to cuddle baby and stroked the inside of my thigh

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 13/10/2023 17:36

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 17:35

i had the baby on my lap and he put his hand under baby’s bottom to cuddle baby and stroked the inside of my thigh

Is there no chance at all it could of been a genuine accident OP

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 17:40

Thank you for this, yes I am completely traumatised.

OP posts:
FitAt50 · 13/10/2023 17:40

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 17:34

The clues are in the fact that he had no idea what you were talking about and apologised profusely to you and it was left as a misunderstanding that didn’t need to go further.....

Then he takes it to your DD and is v v upset.....

This duplicitous behaviour tells you all you need to know.

He is attempting (has achieved?) to create a monumental rift between you and your DD so that he can isolate her.

Know what you are dealing with now. His mask has slipped he is not wonderful - he is manipulative and abusive.

I can understand he told your DD - but the way he told her could not have been reflective of your discussion.

Even if she went off the deep-end if he was genuine he would be desperately trying to put the genie back in the bottle and mediate to restore the relationship between you and your DD.

But he isn’t because - this suits him.

I am sorry that he has sexually assaulted you and then gone on to blow up your relationship with your DD.

I would do anything and everything to restore contact with your DD - even if you it involves an apology for a misunderstanding - because if she is in a relationship with this type of character you need to maintain connection with her but from then on normal rules don’t apply.

Read up on coercive controlling relationships and how to engage with the victim (your DD).

Totally disagree - sounds like he is devistated that his mother in law thinks he is a pervert.

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 17:41

I think it’s very difficult here: he’s either an abusive manipulator, in which case he will ensure you are estranged from your daughter for as long as their relationship lasts, or you were mistaken. Your original post suggests you weren’t quite sure whether he intended to touch you or not. As it’s happened several times, it’s maybe a shame that you didn’t call him out in public or explained things to other people who support you about how it was making you feel (as you say it was triggering) to ask for their advice.

As things stand, I don’t think there is much you can do. It’s a shit situation all round.