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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Daughters bf touched me inappropriately

177 replies

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:28

after my grand baby was born, I began to notice his daddy was a bit more tactile to me than I was comfortable with. This man is a great dad and good to my dd. Dh and I, all the family are very fond of him.
There have been half a dozen or so times when he has lingered longer than needed to take the baby from my arms, or when he was on my lap he stroked the inside of my thigh. Each time it happened I felt sick. It was very triggering for me. I eventually called him and told him, I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable. He apologised profusely and said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about but he was so so sorry that I was upset. I told him it was fine and obviously a misunderstanding, I was relieved this was the case and said I felt it best for us all to move on and my dd and my dh did not need to know, as I felt it was now dealt with. Anyway dd called me up, he told her. He was very upset, dd was very upset too obviously and said she had no doubt in her head he did not mean anything by it at all. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said to her right away, I told her I was trying to not hurt her, that I felt I was in a horrible position and would do anything not to hurt her, I had felt the best thing was to speak to him direct. I told my dh and he completely agreed I had done the right thing. He totally understood where I was coming from and the love for our dd was uppermost and we didn’t want her to be hurt, but I also had to be true to myself. He backed me completely. My relationship with dd is in tatters. She has told me today she resents me for this, she agrees she has not been very nice to me since and feels I should cut her some slack because of what I have put them through…… I feel
I am going mad. What else could I/ should I have done? Obviously she knows her partner far better than I do but I believe I had to stand up for myself. I feel today I have lost everyone. My dd my dgc.

OP posts:
Passepartoute · 13/10/2023 18:42

I don't really understand what has happened when you say he has lingered longer than he should whilst taking the baby from your arms. Is it that he's taking some time about it? I'm struggling to see how this by itself leaves you sickened, given that you have the baby between you. I completely understand how it sickens you when he is brushing your thigh, but that seems to be separate?

Startingagainandagain · 13/10/2023 18:57

How long has your daughter known this man? do you know anything about his past? Has he had any issue with his behaviour at work? has your daughter ever met any former girlfriends of his?

I am just thinking that this unlikely to be the first time that he has been inappropriate with a woman and there might be a few skeletons in his closet...

Can you do a bit of ''detective work'' to see whether this guy is potentially an abuser who has managed to cover up his real personality until now?

One time could have been an accident, him touching you ''half a dozen times'' is unlikely to be accidental...

diddl · 13/10/2023 19:03

I'm not sure that many people would call it at the time as the first time you might just put it down to accidental.

I mean most men wouldn't take their baby from their MILs lap anyway would they?

You'd ask for baby to be passed to you!

Even more so if you knew that she had been a victim of SA!

BananaPyjamaLlama · 13/10/2023 19:08

@Jewelspun "When you say it was triggering for you do you mean that you've previously had a terrible experience with a man or men ?"
Insensitive question to ask imho. You dont need to know the OPs reason for saying that.

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 19:19

But the OP didn’t ‘accuse’ him of anything - she did the following - she let it go as a ‘misunderstanding’ - he has since inflamed it all - stupid really as he nearly got away with it.....but his duplicitous behaviour and obviously the imploding of his fragile ego has exposed the reality

I eventually called him and told him, I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable. He apologised profusely and said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about but he was so so sorry that I was upset. I told him it was fine and obviously a misunderstanding, I was relieved this was the case and said I felt it best for us all to move on and my dd and my dh did not need to know, as I felt it was now dealt with

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 19:28

Yes for sure! He would come up to tickle the baby whilst on my lap and run his hand under the baby’s bottom and touch my legs or take the baby whilst in my arms and touch my breasts. There is no mistaking his behaviour….. I’ve just given him the benefit of the doubt for my dd’s sake

OP posts:
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 19:29

Thank you

OP posts:
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 19:32

Very whirlwind romance after she has some pretty rotten relationships. We were just happy she was happy. He appears to be respectful in every other sense, I don’t think he has had any other serious relationships

OP posts:
Gloriously · 13/10/2023 19:39

I am sorry but this background is the abuser / toxic relationship 101 handbook.

He specifically targeted your DD’s vulnerability - from previous difficult relationships - then he love bombed her in the whirlwind.

Possibly he was rejected in his previous relationships which he doesn’t like to talk about ..... but he changed his dating strategy or he is hiding them?

Is he older than your DD?

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/10/2023 19:40

His behaviour was not accidental, and you were right to call it out. This guy is dodgy op. Keep your wits about you, and keep your powder dry on this one, for now, for your DDs sake. He told her as he knew it would cause trouble between you and her.

Orio2023 · 13/10/2023 19:45

The op has had at least one baby and will be familiar with how to pick a baby up from someone’s lap.

Have you considered a police check on this creep op?

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 19:50

Really? How awful 😢

OP posts:
BackAgainstWall · 13/10/2023 19:52

He’s a very warped man, and I have no doubt your DD will find that out for herself sooner or later.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you and the terrible impact it’s had on your family 💐

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 19:54

Mmmm everything u r saying is ringing very true …. I have been suspicious but have put it down to my past, perhaps seeing something that wast there, until now.

OP posts:
twinmum2022 · 13/10/2023 19:55

toomanyboxes · 13/10/2023 17:31

Anyway dd called me up, he told her. Did he now? Why would he have done that? And what exactly, did he actually tell her? I very much doubt that it coincides with what actually happened.

I would fully expect my husband to tell me if my mum accused him of the same thing!

Obviously he was going to tell his wife!

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 19:59

I’m definitely not going to justify my behaviour…. He is at fault here

OP posts:
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 20:00

Yea think this will be my next step, thank you

OP posts:
Gloriously · 13/10/2023 20:03

*I would fully expect my husband to tell me if my mum accused him of the same thing!

Obviously he was going to tell his wife!*

She didn’t accuse him of anything. She said she was uncomfortable and agreed to leave it as a misunderstanding.

The question is what and how did he tell the DD and why was this different to his conversation with the OP to evoke upset in the DD?

lemmein · 13/10/2023 20:05

Justletpeopleenjoythings · 13/10/2023 18:17

So much dismissal, no wonder lots of women still don't talk about these things.

This.

This thread is appalling. I'm sorry this happened to you OP - I have adult DDs, I have no idea what I would've done in your situation.

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 20:06

Thank you

OP posts:
Marygoesround · 13/10/2023 20:09

Exactly what people who've never been in these situations always say. It shows a complete lack of understanding of human behaviour and belittles victims. If the OP didn't punch his lights out, she's can't really be a victim. FFS, you'll be asking what she was wearing next.

twinmum2022 · 13/10/2023 20:10

@Gloriously ok fine, I'd still expect him to tell me about the misunderstanding because it's weird!

I'd be equally as upset if my mum thought my husband was touching her inappropriately, misunderstanding or otherwise. I'd also be upset I was hearing it from him and not her.

BackAgainstWall · 13/10/2023 20:10

@twinmum2022
Behaviour of sick duplicitous people is definitely not obvious. They will cover their tracks even if it kills them.

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 20:11

Thank you for your support, you’re right I didn’t accuse him, i told him I was uncomfortable with what he had done, I was very, very careful in my wording, because I had thought long and hard and I decided this was the best way I could deal with it. It was a tel call and I had my friend beside me. I was terrified of this exact scenario but I also knew I couldn’t let it continue, I also could not have called it out at the time as my sons and husband would have knocked him out!

OP posts:
twinmum2022 · 13/10/2023 20:13

BackAgainstWall · 13/10/2023 20:10

@twinmum2022
Behaviour of sick duplicitous people is definitely not obvious. They will cover their tracks even if it kills them.

What so she genuinely thought she'd have that conversation and he'd say nothing about it to her daughter?