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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughters bf touched me inappropriately

177 replies

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:28

after my grand baby was born, I began to notice his daddy was a bit more tactile to me than I was comfortable with. This man is a great dad and good to my dd. Dh and I, all the family are very fond of him.
There have been half a dozen or so times when he has lingered longer than needed to take the baby from my arms, or when he was on my lap he stroked the inside of my thigh. Each time it happened I felt sick. It was very triggering for me. I eventually called him and told him, I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable. He apologised profusely and said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about but he was so so sorry that I was upset. I told him it was fine and obviously a misunderstanding, I was relieved this was the case and said I felt it best for us all to move on and my dd and my dh did not need to know, as I felt it was now dealt with. Anyway dd called me up, he told her. He was very upset, dd was very upset too obviously and said she had no doubt in her head he did not mean anything by it at all. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said to her right away, I told her I was trying to not hurt her, that I felt I was in a horrible position and would do anything not to hurt her, I had felt the best thing was to speak to him direct. I told my dh and he completely agreed I had done the right thing. He totally understood where I was coming from and the love for our dd was uppermost and we didn’t want her to be hurt, but I also had to be true to myself. He backed me completely. My relationship with dd is in tatters. She has told me today she resents me for this, she agrees she has not been very nice to me since and feels I should cut her some slack because of what I have put them through…… I feel
I am going mad. What else could I/ should I have done? Obviously she knows her partner far better than I do but I believe I had to stand up for myself. I feel today I have lost everyone. My dd my dgc.

OP posts:
MissAtomicBomb1 · 13/10/2023 21:43

SeamsLegit · 13/10/2023 21:37

Stop what??? Trying to prepare for a situation? Trying to figure out the best way to stop a predator in their tracks, in the hope of avoiding what has happened to OP?? [estranged from daughter, at least temporarily] We have NO CONTROL over the predators, but we could certainly have a response prepared, in the manner of fire drills, self defense etc. And good grief, how on earth do you know what I have survived, and been subjected too?? Absolutely ridiculous response, go find offence elsewhere.

You are offensive, patronising and lack empathy. I don't give a shiny shit you think otherwise you don't get to tell me or others how we should feel.
Good for you if you managed to call it out there & then but stop trying to make out it would all be fine if we only were prepared because nothing prepares you to be sexually assaulted.

Dotcheck · 13/10/2023 21:43

OP
If is difficult to see who you are responding to.
To reply to a specific post, click on the three buttons on their post, then hit the ‘quote’ button.

YNK · 13/10/2023 21:46

toomanyboxes · 13/10/2023 17:31

Anyway dd called me up, he told her. Did he now? Why would he have done that? And what exactly, did he actually tell her? I very much doubt that it coincides with what actually happened.

He's planned and executed a masterstroke.
His wife is now isolated and his dominant position is secured.

I'm so sorry OP but I think he's controlling you all.

SeamsLegit · 13/10/2023 21:46

Just as you don't get to tell ME how to feel. And I didn't so much as imply I knew what to do, that's what I was ASKING! But let the insults fly, hope it makes you feel better 🤷🏻‍♀️

toomanyboxes · 13/10/2023 21:59

twinmum2022 · 13/10/2023 19:55

I would fully expect my husband to tell me if my mum accused him of the same thing!

Obviously he was going to tell his wife!

Show quote history

Obviously he told her, but what did he tell her? That's the point I was making. He could have said all sorts of things that weren't what really happened. People do lie to make themselves the innocent party.

toomanyboxes · 13/10/2023 22:02

Qilin · 13/10/2023 20:17

Why would he have dine that?

Well, would you not have told your partner in a similar situation?

If my FIL had called me to say he thought I may be touching him inappropriately then I would definitely be speaking with dh - immediately tbh.

Show quote history

Yes, and if you had been touching your FIL inappropriately, would you tell your dh the truth?

AgaMM · 13/10/2023 22:08

You were right to speak out. But I think where you went wrong was not telling your daughter yourself and speaking to her first.

If it was all a misunderstanding, then it would have been easily resolved.

If it was deliberate, then it would have been better for her to hear it from you instead of him trying to protect himself by getting to her first and controlling the narrative.

Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 22:13

toomanyboxes · 13/10/2023 21:59

Obviously he told her, but what did he tell her? That's the point I was making. He could have said all sorts of things that weren't what really happened. People do lie to make themselves the innocent party.

Show quote history

He went home and cried to her and didn’t sleep for two nights, as he had upset me. She told me his response convinced her he was genuine

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 22:16

Dotcheck · 13/10/2023 21:43

OP
If is difficult to see who you are responding to.
To reply to a specific post, click on the three buttons on their post, then hit the ‘quote’ button.

Thank you, I have been pressing the reply icon, then confused I couldn’t see my reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 22:18

AgaMM · 13/10/2023 22:08

You were right to speak out. But I think where you went wrong was not telling your daughter yourself and speaking to her first.

If it was all a misunderstanding, then it would have been easily resolved.

If it was deliberate, then it would have been better for her to hear it from you instead of him trying to protect himself by getting to her first and controlling the narrative.

Yeah I can understand u saying this, i just wanted to avoid her knowing of it at all….. I would have took it to my grave rather than her be hurt

OP posts:
BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 22:42

I am not remotely young and I have been assaulted; I still think the OP was ambiguous:

”I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable.”

OP did not suggest he was a sexual abuser, just that it triggered her for reasons in her past.

Facts are that no one knows what happens because we weren’t there: OP has subsequently said she is sure it was intentional etc.

OP has lost her daughter: that’s horrific. And yes it’s fair to ask what else you should do in this situation I.e. a situation where OP felt there was repeated incidents where she was uncomfortable. It’s reasonable to consider that question.

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 22:43

And of course: if he’s innocent, he would tell her DD. If he’s guilty: even more so. This situation is awful.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 13/10/2023 22:52

These things don't really happen by mistake though do they.
I have sat my babies on others so many times without once managing to stroke someone's inner thigh by mistake.

It's like when blokes say things and then cover it up by saying they were joking when you call them up on it.

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 22:56

It’s quite an odd situation to understand tbh: if I expressed these concerns to my DH he would say “That man will not go within ten feet of you while I am alive” and not “give him a ring and ask him” which seems very odd.

BakedBeeeen · 13/10/2023 22:58

SunflowerTed · 13/10/2023 17:13

I think you did the right thing too. I think he’s told her as he has been found out and is now blaming you for calling him out to save himself embarrassment. He’s engineered a fall out so he doesn’t have to face you !

Exactly this!

Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 23:11

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 22:56

It’s quite an odd situation to understand tbh: if I expressed these concerns to my DH he would say “That man will not go within ten feet of you while I am alive” and not “give him a ring and ask him” which seems very odd.

Really? What exactly is it you find “strange”? that My DH put his DDs feelings before his??? I am so proud of the way my DH has dealt with this, especially as he isn’t known for his patience, but he loves his child, he understands and loves me. He believes everything I have said, he supports me, he is not “making a very bad situation worse” what else is strange about that?? Unless of course you are saying im
making this up??? Cos yeah any mother would do that to her child

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 23:12

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 22:56

It’s quite an odd situation to understand tbh: if I expressed these concerns to my DH he would say “That man will not go within ten feet of you while I am alive” and not “give him a ring and ask him” which seems very odd.

Also, where did I say he said “give him a ring and ask him” ??

OP posts:
Catsfrontbum · 13/10/2023 23:17

Do not let him create a rift with your Dd. You need to be vigilant now and watch for him isolating her.

I am sorry that this happened to you.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 13/10/2023 23:18

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 20:11

Thank you for your support, you’re right I didn’t accuse him, i told him I was uncomfortable with what he had done, I was very, very careful in my wording, because I had thought long and hard and I decided this was the best way I could deal with it. It was a tel call and I had my friend beside me. I was terrified of this exact scenario but I also knew I couldn’t let it continue, I also could not have called it out at the time as my sons and husband would have knocked him out!

I believe you OP@Funnierthantheaveragemum. Ignore the shocking minimisation on this thread.

Shame on you @twinmum2022 especially your posts are embarrassing.

PurpleOrchid42 · 13/10/2023 23:30

All I can think is that he's a pervert, and what if he does something to the child? Please, please, communicate with your daughter that she MUST watch him and his behaviour around their child. Maybe you should contact social services/the police?

Todaysproblem · 13/10/2023 23:37

When I was a teenager my BIL came to my bed when I was asleep and started pulling my pyjama bottoms down, days after returning from their honeymoon. My sister was at work and they were living temporarily with us whilst saving for a deposit.

I jumped out of the bed all freaked out and he demanded that I won’t say anything to anyone. I confessed in a neighbour who told the rest of my family and when my sister found out she angrily packed up their stuff and moved out. She called me after about a week and said she loves him and nothing can come between them. And to be fair nothing did - not his abuse, serial cheating, gambling away all her money, paying for prostitutes, absolutely nothing. We haven’t spoken since, it’s been over 20 years.

I hope your daughter takes some time to realise the truth and do something about it.

Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 23:50

Todaysproblem · 13/10/2023 23:37

When I was a teenager my BIL came to my bed when I was asleep and started pulling my pyjama bottoms down, days after returning from their honeymoon. My sister was at work and they were living temporarily with us whilst saving for a deposit.

I jumped out of the bed all freaked out and he demanded that I won’t say anything to anyone. I confessed in a neighbour who told the rest of my family and when my sister found out she angrily packed up their stuff and moved out. She called me after about a week and said she loves him and nothing can come between them. And to be fair nothing did - not his abuse, serial cheating, gambling away all her money, paying for prostitutes, absolutely nothing. We haven’t spoken since, it’s been over 20 years.

I hope your daughter takes some time to realise the truth and do something about it.

I am
so so sorry this has happened to you…. And your sister 💔

OP posts:
RosiePeel · 14/10/2023 00:47

I believe you.

A man stroked my inner thigh “accidentally” when getting off a bus in 2011. I didn’t say anything at the time because I was too stunned and my first automatic assumption was it must be a mistake. This happened on numerous occasions op - it’s no mistake.

merrywidow · 14/10/2023 00:59

My ex is a abusive predator which I now know with hindsight. I agree with everything @Gloriously says and this is very serious. I'm very sorry this has happened to you OP.

junbean · 14/10/2023 01:50

This is one of those situations where there is no other way she can feel. She either loses her husband or she blames you. It's no one's fault except her husband's, unless he really didn't mean to. Honestly he sounds like a creep and your DD will likely realize this at some point when he does something else and then she'll come running to you and apologize. If he isn't a creep it will just take time for it to blow over. Just be patient. I'm so sorry this happened! It's an impossible situation for you :(

I was once in a similar position- my best friend was getting married. His best friend told me a lot of terrible things about her fiancé she didn't know about. I had to tell her. It was either she believed me and lost her husband, or go forward and possibly get really hurt. She went forward and many years later she realized I had told her the truth. It was so hard for both of us, and I never said I told you so, but it did hurt my heart to know she could have avoided so much pain. I'm glad I told her because now I would feel incredibly guilty if not. It wasn't my fault he was a bad guy. It's not your fault your SIL acted so creepy. You didn't take it further, you acted discreetly. One day it will all come together as it should.

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