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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Daughters bf touched me inappropriately

177 replies

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:28

after my grand baby was born, I began to notice his daddy was a bit more tactile to me than I was comfortable with. This man is a great dad and good to my dd. Dh and I, all the family are very fond of him.
There have been half a dozen or so times when he has lingered longer than needed to take the baby from my arms, or when he was on my lap he stroked the inside of my thigh. Each time it happened I felt sick. It was very triggering for me. I eventually called him and told him, I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable. He apologised profusely and said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about but he was so so sorry that I was upset. I told him it was fine and obviously a misunderstanding, I was relieved this was the case and said I felt it best for us all to move on and my dd and my dh did not need to know, as I felt it was now dealt with. Anyway dd called me up, he told her. He was very upset, dd was very upset too obviously and said she had no doubt in her head he did not mean anything by it at all. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said to her right away, I told her I was trying to not hurt her, that I felt I was in a horrible position and would do anything not to hurt her, I had felt the best thing was to speak to him direct. I told my dh and he completely agreed I had done the right thing. He totally understood where I was coming from and the love for our dd was uppermost and we didn’t want her to be hurt, but I also had to be true to myself. He backed me completely. My relationship with dd is in tatters. She has told me today she resents me for this, she agrees she has not been very nice to me since and feels I should cut her some slack because of what I have put them through…… I feel
I am going mad. What else could I/ should I have done? Obviously she knows her partner far better than I do but I believe I had to stand up for myself. I feel today I have lost everyone. My dd my dgc.

OP posts:
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 20:16

Naively I did yeah, cos I thought he wouldn’t want her upset by it either, but I can see exactly why you are saying that too….. it’s a mess, I genuinely did not know what to do.

OP posts:
Qilin · 13/10/2023 20:17

toomanyboxes · 13/10/2023 17:31

Anyway dd called me up, he told her. Did he now? Why would he have done that? And what exactly, did he actually tell her? I very much doubt that it coincides with what actually happened.

Why would he have dine that?

Well, would you not have told your partner in a similar situation?

If my FIL had called me to say he thought I may be touching him inappropriately then I would definitely be speaking with dh - immediately tbh.

BackAgainstWall · 13/10/2023 20:20

@twinmum2022
You’re definitely not grasping the point.
Read it again (and again if necessary).

twinmum2022 · 13/10/2023 20:24

BackAgainstWall · 13/10/2023 20:20

@twinmum2022
You’re definitely not grasping the point.
Read it again (and again if necessary).

Haha 👍🏼

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/10/2023 20:25

This thread is fucking appalling. Some of you should be utterly ashamed of yourselves. OP, he sounds an absolute creep. I don't know how you navigate this going forward but keep a very close eye on your DD as I agree he will try and isolate her now, if not already. He knows what he's done and what he's doing. I'm sorry this happened to you Flowers

johnd2 · 13/10/2023 20:28

This thread is a total embarrassment, I'm only on the second page and it's stuffed full of victim blaming nonsense, I'm so sorry OP that a forum that should be so supportive of you is actually supporting someone who is likely to be an abuser.
My personal view is decide if you are able to support your daughter, and if you really can't manage then you might end up low contact which must be horrible, and make sure she knows you'll always be there.
Good luck!

RMNofTikTok · 13/10/2023 20:28

He's a predator, he was stroking the inside of your thighs to test your boundaries. Your instincts about him are correct. Him gaslighting you through your daughter is abhorrent.

I'm shocked so many women are trying to downplay this on the thread.

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 20:29

Yes I suspect she hoped she could have a ring-fenced private and delicate conversation in order not to escalate - but even if he did relay their conversation to his wife that his re-telling would also be diplomatic, accurate and honest.

He didn’t do that - he was likely inflammatory and dishonest.

Nor has he tried to de escalate the situation and resolve the issue in the family.

He’s shows all the characteristics and deploys all the tactic of an abuser and a predator.

I am so sorry OP that this man has repeatedly sexually assaulted you and gone on to wreck your relationship with your DD.

You know what he did and how you felt repeatedly. And if you had any doubts at the time his subsequent behaviour will have erased those.

You planned a diplomatic conversation where you were giving him an out in the form of a ‘misunderstanding’ - but he didn’t like this experience and flipped into full DARVO.

Biscuitburglar · 13/10/2023 20:34

I wonder if some of the disbelieving comments are from younger women who can’t believe that anyone would find their mum attractive! I’m really sorry you are going through this OP. You gave him the benefit of the doubt multiple times but everyone knows when someone is doing something deliberately. Hopefully this will be enough to scare him off and with a bit of time your DD will put it to one side. She will need your support in the long run.

justasking111 · 13/10/2023 20:37

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 20:29

Yes I suspect she hoped she could have a ring-fenced private and delicate conversation in order not to escalate - but even if he did relay their conversation to his wife that his re-telling would also be diplomatic, accurate and honest.

He didn’t do that - he was likely inflammatory and dishonest.

Nor has he tried to de escalate the situation and resolve the issue in the family.

He’s shows all the characteristics and deploys all the tactic of an abuser and a predator.

I am so sorry OP that this man has repeatedly sexually assaulted you and gone on to wreck your relationship with your DD.

You know what he did and how you felt repeatedly. And if you had any doubts at the time his subsequent behaviour will have erased those.

You planned a diplomatic conversation where you were giving him an out in the form of a ‘misunderstanding’ - but he didn’t like this experience and flipped into full DARVO.

What I thought. A woman who worked for me her husband gave me the ick i bloody knew he was coming onto me but also knew that she would never believe me. He was a master controller. Her parents wealthy had bought them a house, paid for a lot of things for the baby which was the third a big surprise to her because he was in charge of the contraception.

Mmhmmn · 13/10/2023 20:37

Your DD must know what he’s like really even if she doesn’t want to admit it. If not believing that specific thing, then something else. I doubt that someone warped enough to stroke his MIL’s thigh and touch her breast on more than one occasion is keeping a happy home behind closed doors.

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 20:38

Sexual abuse and assault isn’t about finding someone attractive - it’s about power and control.

This predator was choosing to terrorise the OP in her own home in plain sight - he wanted her subjugated, silent and powerless.

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 20:44

@Mmhmmn yes DA victims somewhere deep in their gut know things are very wrong but the gaslighting, fear and cognitive dissonance of the abuse often keeps this knowledge dissociated from their conscious mind.

SeamsLegit · 13/10/2023 20:45

Could we all agree on what we SHOULD do in this situation? In the hope of being forewarned and therefore forearmed... Not even just in THIS situation but ANY where boundaries are being crossed surreptitiously, relying on the victims silence, just like a playground bully...

A) playful, but firm and loud "Oi, watch where you're touching, that was ME, not the baby!"

B) outrage "excuse me! Be more careful, I felt your hand on my thigh!"

C) carry on style "eh up daughter, your man just had a right feel!"

??? Suggestions welcome

EKGEMS · 13/10/2023 20:50

Your daughter is projecting her anger at you, the victim, instead of dealing with the perverted son of a bitch she chose to breed with. I'm concerned that you've posted you cannot lose your daughter because I'm afraid you might put up with emotional projection, manipulative behavior and further sexual abuse to stay in contact

Biscuitburglar · 13/10/2023 20:52

Gloriously yes, of course, I totally agree. I’m just trying to understand why so many posters are casting doubt on what the OP is saying.

RantyAnty · 13/10/2023 21:03

You did the right things telling him. He's a creep.

Ignore the handmaidens and men larping as women blaming you.

There are many public incidents of women celebrities being groped on stage, during interviews, and otherwise and these women freeze. It's a normal response.

Have they been over to yours since?

Prelapsarianhag · 13/10/2023 21:13

So sorry this has happened to you. He is clearly evil. I wonder if he had several goals in mind - an abusive feel up for his own fun and to humiliate you, and then when you have no choice but to raise the issue, to turn your DD against you - win win and win for the fucking abusive cunt. Going forward this is going to be difficult but keeping your enemies close does have it merits, if your family have your back you may be able to navigate this without being abused again.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 13/10/2023 21:16

SeamsLegit · 13/10/2023 20:45

Could we all agree on what we SHOULD do in this situation? In the hope of being forewarned and therefore forearmed... Not even just in THIS situation but ANY where boundaries are being crossed surreptitiously, relying on the victims silence, just like a playground bully...

A) playful, but firm and loud "Oi, watch where you're touching, that was ME, not the baby!"

B) outrage "excuse me! Be more careful, I felt your hand on my thigh!"

C) carry on style "eh up daughter, your man just had a right feel!"

??? Suggestions welcome

Except no amount of preparation will count once you're actually in that situation. You may freeze, your body may take over & you shut down
Stop trying to victim blame by telling us what we should do or should have done. You have no fucking idea and it's upsetting and offensive for victims of SA. Just stop.

MsRosley · 13/10/2023 21:25

God, so sorry, OP, not only for what this man did to you, but that you should have such a barrage of misogyny and ageism on here. Let's face it, if you'd been a young girl reporting this, everyone would have believed you without question.

Itham · 13/10/2023 21:27

I was sexually abused a number of times on the London underground, also by my DH's uncle and by my very much older boss.

I absolutely believe you OP. You are braver than I ever was. Flowers

I thought I had been weak because I was young, then in my late 30's I sat opposite a flasher on a train. I did nothing.

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 21:29

I am so sorry all this has happened to you

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 13/10/2023 21:31

Im so sorry

@Funnierthantheaveragemumwhat an awful situation. You did the right thing.

What an AH your SIL is. He assaults you - there is no way stroking someone's inner thigh is an accident, wtf.

Your DD will wake up cos he is going to find another person to assault and they may go straight to the police!

You know, it may be your DD is already his victim, she's likely to know this which is why it's such a big drama and she's blaming you.

Keep talking to her, she will need you soon x

AbbeyGailsParty · 13/10/2023 21:37

No, you didn’t imagine it. No, it wasn’t accidental on his part. It shows his attitude to woman. I would fear that he’s trying to isolate your daughter from you and her family.
Can her father speak to her, on her own away from him?

SeamsLegit · 13/10/2023 21:37

Stop what??? Trying to prepare for a situation? Trying to figure out the best way to stop a predator in their tracks, in the hope of avoiding what has happened to OP?? [estranged from daughter, at least temporarily] We have NO CONTROL over the predators, but we could certainly have a response prepared, in the manner of fire drills, self defense etc. And good grief, how on earth do you know what I have survived, and been subjected too?? Absolutely ridiculous response, go find offence elsewhere.