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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughters bf touched me inappropriately

177 replies

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:28

after my grand baby was born, I began to notice his daddy was a bit more tactile to me than I was comfortable with. This man is a great dad and good to my dd. Dh and I, all the family are very fond of him.
There have been half a dozen or so times when he has lingered longer than needed to take the baby from my arms, or when he was on my lap he stroked the inside of my thigh. Each time it happened I felt sick. It was very triggering for me. I eventually called him and told him, I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable. He apologised profusely and said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about but he was so so sorry that I was upset. I told him it was fine and obviously a misunderstanding, I was relieved this was the case and said I felt it best for us all to move on and my dd and my dh did not need to know, as I felt it was now dealt with. Anyway dd called me up, he told her. He was very upset, dd was very upset too obviously and said she had no doubt in her head he did not mean anything by it at all. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said to her right away, I told her I was trying to not hurt her, that I felt I was in a horrible position and would do anything not to hurt her, I had felt the best thing was to speak to him direct. I told my dh and he completely agreed I had done the right thing. He totally understood where I was coming from and the love for our dd was uppermost and we didn’t want her to be hurt, but I also had to be true to myself. He backed me completely. My relationship with dd is in tatters. She has told me today she resents me for this, she agrees she has not been very nice to me since and feels I should cut her some slack because of what I have put them through…… I feel
I am going mad. What else could I/ should I have done? Obviously she knows her partner far better than I do but I believe I had to stand up for myself. I feel today I have lost everyone. My dd my dgc.

OP posts:
Marygoesround · 14/10/2023 16:41

The ignorance on this thread continues to astound me. All those questioning why the OP didn't tell her DH or DD - you have no clue and when you're told, you refuse to accept it. Shame on you.

I have never told my DH about things that have happened to me, never have, never will. Why? Because it would hurt him. Being a victim is lonely, we shoulder immense burdens alone because we don't want to hurt those we love. Online forums are often the only safe place we have...then there's this ⬆️ Those of us who've been there understand, OP. I would have done the same as you.

neilyoungismyhero · 14/10/2023 16:42

I'm pretty sure if you thought that was what was happening then it was. You were there, it 's your experience.
I don't think you could have done anything differently- I would probably have said the first time...woa...watch where you're putting your hands, in a loud but jokey manner but you're not me, you do you, as I'm always reading on here.
It's a difficult situation and I think sadly you're the one who is going to have to back down a bit for the sake of your relationship with your daughter/granddaughter. You absolutely shouldn't have to but she is always going to side with her husband on this one.

Wouldyouguess · 14/10/2023 19:28

neilyoungismyhero · 14/10/2023 16:42

I'm pretty sure if you thought that was what was happening then it was. You were there, it 's your experience.
I don't think you could have done anything differently- I would probably have said the first time...woa...watch where you're putting your hands, in a loud but jokey manner but you're not me, you do you, as I'm always reading on here.
It's a difficult situation and I think sadly you're the one who is going to have to back down a bit for the sake of your relationship with your daughter/granddaughter. You absolutely shouldn't have to but she is always going to side with her husband on this one.

It's a bit crap telling people 'you do you'. My friend had a stranger feeling her up on public transport and bloody froze. She could not move nor say a word and ended up running out of the bus at a first opportunity. Everyone had a great advice for her afterwards, but I wonder how many of those armchair experts would have done the same as her. Nothing and then torment themselves afterwards.
Unless you were sexually abused and DID this or that, there is no point saying what you would/could have done. We are often very much aware what should have happened, after the fact, but not in the moment.

Mydogmybestfriend · 15/10/2023 00:06

So is everyone going to miss the fact op said other things happened not just this incident?

neilyoungismyhero · 16/10/2023 17:36

Mydogmybestfriend · 15/10/2023 00:06

So is everyone going to miss the fact op said other things happened not just this incident?

I believe I said the first time..

Gloriously · 24/10/2023 18:00

@Funnierthantheaveragemum how are things with your DD this week?

Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 24/10/2023 20:06

Gloriously · 24/10/2023 18:00

@Funnierthantheaveragemum how are things with your DD this week?

definitely better thank you very much for asking. I have taken all the good advice and putting her first, concentrating on her and the baby … praying the whole thing is forgotten about soon

OP posts:
Gloriously · 25/10/2023 00:13

That’s a very good place to be - always focusing on the relationship you have with your DD - because he will continue to try to drive a wedge which she might not see for years - but she will ultimately need you down the line and she will come sooner if the unconditional non-judgmental trust in her remains solid.

porridgeisbae · 25/10/2023 00:19

Surely if he was a predator type, he wouldn't be targeting his MIL?

Why not? Some pervs will target anyone. He maybe even senses OP's previous history.

porridgeisbae · 25/10/2023 00:21

I would've frozen the same OP, and probably eventually plucked up the courage to message him in exactly the same way you did.

Twilight7777 · 25/10/2023 00:27

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 17:34

The clues are in the fact that he had no idea what you were talking about and apologised profusely to you and it was left as a misunderstanding that didn’t need to go further.....

Then he takes it to your DD and is v v upset.....

This duplicitous behaviour tells you all you need to know.

He is attempting (has achieved?) to create a monumental rift between you and your DD so that he can isolate her.

Know what you are dealing with now. His mask has slipped he is not wonderful - he is manipulative and abusive.

I can understand he told your DD - but the way he told her could not have been reflective of your discussion.

Even if she went off the deep-end if he was genuine he would be desperately trying to put the genie back in the bottle and mediate to restore the relationship between you and your DD.

But he isn’t because - this suits him.

I am sorry that he has sexually assaulted you and then gone on to blow up your relationship with your DD.

I would do anything and everything to restore contact with your DD - even if you it involves an apology for a misunderstanding - because if she is in a relationship with this type of character you need to maintain connection with her but from then on normal rules don’t apply.

Read up on coercive controlling relationships and how to engage with the victim (your DD).

This poster has it spot on.

TruckDiver · 25/10/2023 00:40

I'm a man. No fucking way would I take a baby off a woman by "accidentally" stroking her legs or breasts. I'd either take it in a way that doesn't make contact with her, like under its armpits, or I'd ask her to hand it to me. What's hard about that?

NoJamToday · 25/10/2023 01:27

Well I totally get what OP said. And thought she reacted very well. The OP has nothing to reproach herself for at all. Of course it is a horrible situation - but one of his making. So you don’t need to feel bad in any way. Your daughter will have to deal with it unfortunately, that’s just the reality. But it’s ALL on him.

Last year (I am 60) I was abroad on holiday and was touched up in a hotel by a 20 something young guy. This has never happened to me my whole life! The first time he brushed against me as he gave me my room key, the second time he brushed my breast as he handed me coffee. It was so, so light and fleeting I even wondered if it was accidental or if I had imagined it even. But my body absolutely knew 100% even the first time when I felt very strange and weirded out and a bit sick and repulsed immediately after. Before I left he asked if he could “get to know me”, pathetic of course, but proved to me beyond doubt that he had in fact been touching me up.

S0upertrooper · 25/10/2023 01:39

OP he's a sneaky, pervy bastard! I'm in my 50s and I've known a few in my time and lost friends (because their DH's were the pervs) I believe you 100% and I think whatever way you approached this, there would be upset. This is what they rely on, they turn it around and become the victim and make the woman look like the crazy one. Even other woman question us.

Sit tight, you've done nothing wrong. The truth will out.

ForfarBridie · 25/10/2023 01:48

Totally disagree - sounds like he is devistated that his mother in law thinks he is a pervert

I agree with you.

Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 25/10/2023 08:15

Gloriously · 25/10/2023 00:13

That’s a very good place to be - always focusing on the relationship you have with your DD - because he will continue to try to drive a wedge which she might not see for years - but she will ultimately need you down the line and she will come sooner if the unconditional non-judgmental trust in her remains solid.

Yes I completely agree, not a good situation at all to be in but I find focusing on her has really helped me, my DH agrees, this has become our “strategy” and we feel
so much stronger for it, thank you for your kind words

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 25/10/2023 08:17

TruckDiver · 25/10/2023 00:40

I'm a man. No fucking way would I take a baby off a woman by "accidentally" stroking her legs or breasts. I'd either take it in a way that doesn't make contact with her, like under its armpits, or I'd ask her to hand it to me. What's hard about that?

Yes precisely what I asked him to do, I couldn’t understand at all why he would think this “ok” thank you for your male “slant” means a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 25/10/2023 08:20

porridgeisbae · 25/10/2023 00:19

Surely if he was a predator type, he wouldn't be targeting his MIL?

Why not? Some pervs will target anyone. He maybe even senses OP's previous history.

Why on earth would you say this?? You have no idea how I look, my age or anything about me?? So on top of all the horrible emotions that I’ve experienced with this I’ve now got to see this?? Maybe think before you say such ridiculous things

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 25/10/2023 08:24

ForfarBridie · 25/10/2023 01:48

Totally disagree - sounds like he is devistated that his mother in law thinks he is a pervert

I agree with you.

I didn’t say to him or anyone else I thought he was a pervert…. I simply pointed out something he was doing was making me uncomfortable…if he genuinely was innocently making a mistake, if he is the guy he has us all believing he is, he would have went out of his way to convince me of this, even if only for my daughter’s sake?

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 25/10/2023 08:34

NoJamToday · 25/10/2023 01:27

Well I totally get what OP said. And thought she reacted very well. The OP has nothing to reproach herself for at all. Of course it is a horrible situation - but one of his making. So you don’t need to feel bad in any way. Your daughter will have to deal with it unfortunately, that’s just the reality. But it’s ALL on him.

Last year (I am 60) I was abroad on holiday and was touched up in a hotel by a 20 something young guy. This has never happened to me my whole life! The first time he brushed against me as he gave me my room key, the second time he brushed my breast as he handed me coffee. It was so, so light and fleeting I even wondered if it was accidental or if I had imagined it even. But my body absolutely knew 100% even the first time when I felt very strange and weirded out and a bit sick and repulsed immediately after. Before I left he asked if he could “get to know me”, pathetic of course, but proved to me beyond doubt that he had in fact been touching me up.

Edited

What a horrible thing to happen to you, thank you for your support

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 25/10/2023 08:35

S0upertrooper · 25/10/2023 01:39

OP he's a sneaky, pervy bastard! I'm in my 50s and I've known a few in my time and lost friends (because their DH's were the pervs) I believe you 100% and I think whatever way you approached this, there would be upset. This is what they rely on, they turn it around and become the victim and make the woman look like the crazy one. Even other woman question us.

Sit tight, you've done nothing wrong. The truth will out.

Thank you, means a lot

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/10/2023 08:55

🌺

ForfarBridie · 25/10/2023 09:28

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 25/10/2023 08:24

I didn’t say to him or anyone else I thought he was a pervert…. I simply pointed out something he was doing was making me uncomfortable…if he genuinely was innocently making a mistake, if he is the guy he has us all believing he is, he would have went out of his way to convince me of this, even if only for my daughter’s sake?

Show quote history

Honestly, I think in these circumstances keeping quiet and hiding this from your daughter would be a bigger sign of him trying to cover up his guilt.

I don’t know how you go forward from this and I’m very sorry you’ve all found yourselves in this situation.

camperjam · 25/10/2023 09:57

The thing for me is you know if you touch someone accidentally. If I've ever touched someone by mistake I would immediately apologise and if I knew them well probably make a joke that I wasn't trying to grope them or something.

NoJamToday · 25/10/2023 11:13

It’s a shame you’ve had some very strange and silly posters questioning your story OP 🙄.

But it sounds like (somehow) you’ve got through this very difficult situation. Kudos to you. So good that you have your husband’s support. And good to hear that you and your DD are closer again. Your attitude to focus on that sounds the best way forward.