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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughters bf touched me inappropriately

177 replies

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:28

after my grand baby was born, I began to notice his daddy was a bit more tactile to me than I was comfortable with. This man is a great dad and good to my dd. Dh and I, all the family are very fond of him.
There have been half a dozen or so times when he has lingered longer than needed to take the baby from my arms, or when he was on my lap he stroked the inside of my thigh. Each time it happened I felt sick. It was very triggering for me. I eventually called him and told him, I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable. He apologised profusely and said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about but he was so so sorry that I was upset. I told him it was fine and obviously a misunderstanding, I was relieved this was the case and said I felt it best for us all to move on and my dd and my dh did not need to know, as I felt it was now dealt with. Anyway dd called me up, he told her. He was very upset, dd was very upset too obviously and said she had no doubt in her head he did not mean anything by it at all. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said to her right away, I told her I was trying to not hurt her, that I felt I was in a horrible position and would do anything not to hurt her, I had felt the best thing was to speak to him direct. I told my dh and he completely agreed I had done the right thing. He totally understood where I was coming from and the love for our dd was uppermost and we didn’t want her to be hurt, but I also had to be true to myself. He backed me completely. My relationship with dd is in tatters. She has told me today she resents me for this, she agrees she has not been very nice to me since and feels I should cut her some slack because of what I have put them through…… I feel
I am going mad. What else could I/ should I have done? Obviously she knows her partner far better than I do but I believe I had to stand up for myself. I feel today I have lost everyone. My dd my dgc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 17:43

Maybe once, but as I said in my post, there had been half a dozen incidents. I definitely was in denial for a time, but I know how I feel, I know how I felt at the time. It was sickening. Definitely not a misunderstanding but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for my dd sake.

OP posts:
Gloriously · 13/10/2023 17:44

I despair at PP suggesting that a traumatised victim of sexual assault is being told how she should behave when she is then repeatedly sexually assaulted again.

The trauma response was freeze - well documented reaction.

The OP was brave to have the conversation (after multiple assaults) with the perpetrator.

Does this character know your history of sexual assault?

What is his relationship history and what was his upbringing like?

What is his relationship like with his parents?

Is there a power imbalance between your DD and her DH?

Domestic abuse often starts in pregnancy or if already present escalates.

ErinAndTonic · 13/10/2023 17:45

This post seems strange to me. Surely if he was a predator type, he wouldn't be targeting his MIL? Any chance it was a complete accident and you've read into this wrong - he may have brushed your leg but not realised where, as he was focusing on the baby.

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 17:45

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 17:44

I despair at PP suggesting that a traumatised victim of sexual assault is being told how she should behave when she is then repeatedly sexually assaulted again.

The trauma response was freeze - well documented reaction.

The OP was brave to have the conversation (after multiple assaults) with the perpetrator.

Does this character know your history of sexual assault?

What is his relationship history and what was his upbringing like?

What is his relationship like with his parents?

Is there a power imbalance between your DD and her DH?

Domestic abuse often starts in pregnancy or if already present escalates.

The OP suggests she wasn’t sure and it may have all been her perception - that was why she wanted to explain it to him.

Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 17:47

Yes I think so too…. But my dd loves him, I can’t lose her ….

OP posts:
Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 17:47

My dd's bf use to hug me that bit too close /long..
Turned out to be a cheating scumbag..

IveHadItUpToHere · 13/10/2023 17:48

As a PP said, most people would call it out at the time. That would be their instinctive reaction. And if they were in shock, then they'd discuss it with their DH later - then talk to the SIL and DD together.
Speaking privately to the man who abused you is the absolute worst course of action.
I'm not giving you a hard time but I think this has to be made very clear for others who may be in that situation. Don't ever get into discussing details on private calls with abusers or with people you suspect of being abusers. It leaves you vulnerable again.

Motnight · 13/10/2023 17:49

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 17:34

The clues are in the fact that he had no idea what you were talking about and apologised profusely to you and it was left as a misunderstanding that didn’t need to go further.....

Then he takes it to your DD and is v v upset.....

This duplicitous behaviour tells you all you need to know.

He is attempting (has achieved?) to create a monumental rift between you and your DD so that he can isolate her.

Know what you are dealing with now. His mask has slipped he is not wonderful - he is manipulative and abusive.

I can understand he told your DD - but the way he told her could not have been reflective of your discussion.

Even if she went off the deep-end if he was genuine he would be desperately trying to put the genie back in the bottle and mediate to restore the relationship between you and your DD.

But he isn’t because - this suits him.

I am sorry that he has sexually assaulted you and then gone on to blow up your relationship with your DD.

I would do anything and everything to restore contact with your DD - even if you it involves an apology for a misunderstanding - because if she is in a relationship with this type of character you need to maintain connection with her but from then on normal rules don’t apply.

Read up on coercive controlling relationships and how to engage with the victim (your DD).

This.

All those posters saying could it be an accident, how often are you stroked accidentally on the inside of your thigh?

Original poster
Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 17:52

Yes he does! My dd has told him, previously. You are exactly right, I did freeze, yes there are some concerns I have with him controlling her through money. He has a lovely family, his mum and dad divorced, through his dads drinking, I’m not sure if there was controlling behaviour. Thank you for your understanding

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 13/10/2023 17:52

I think you did exactly the right thing, you spoke directly to him in private. Speaking to your dd about it would have put her in the middle and in a more awkward position.

Depending on if he meant to touch you, telling your dd might mean he meant to create issues issues between you and dd, if he had no idea he was touching you then telling her is a good thing and reflects that response also.

But either way it will be difficult, but I don't think you could have handled it any better

Goldfish41 · 13/10/2023 17:53

BeetleDeuce · 13/10/2023 17:34

It’s very hard to understand how he put a baby on her lap and stroked her thigh in front of her daughter and no one said anything then?

OP asked if she could have done anything differently. She could have perhaps said “wtf did you just stroke my thigh on purpose then?!” At the time. Or told her daughter to tell her husband she hates being touched. I’ve no idea because it’s hard to tell without context!

Show quote history

it’s pretty common to freeze in such situations - especially coming from such a shocking source.

PinkMoscatoLover · 13/10/2023 17:55

The comments are quite disgusting. ‘Most people would have called it out at the time’ oh really is that so? How many threads have there been which states ‘I think my uncle touches me inappropriately - is this weird?’ ‘Old man touches me in the lift and I didn’t say anything.’

Those are only two recent threads that instantly come to my mind but there’s much more. A lot of people think they’d speak up in the moment but don’t because of shock or maybe because they think they’ve got it wrong. Stop asking the OP to describe how it happened. WEIRD

Walkingtheplank · 13/10/2023 18:00

Most people, especially women, don't like to make a scene.
A lot of people freeze.

OP sorry that you've been through this.

IveHadItUpToHere · 13/10/2023 18:03

OP asked what else she could have done. That's why posters are saying what else she could have done.

LightSpeeds · 13/10/2023 18:04

He probably told your DD before you got the chance to tell her, so that he could control the narrative in order to get her on his side.

She must be feeling very upset and confused. Give her a while to cool down and then you (and/or your husband) should try to talk to her. Find out what he's said and how she's feeling. This has probably blown her life apart so I don't think any of you is in for an easy time of it.

Good luck x

MarryingMrDarcy · 13/10/2023 18:04

OP what a horrible situation - hugs to you. I just want to say that any upset caused by this is because of him and his actions; you’ve done nothing wrong and have actually been kinder and more sensitive than you needed to be in such a situation. I agree with PPs in trying to get some time with your DD/DGC might really help as it takes him out of the equation.

Also to PPs asking OP to describe the events again - please just don’t.

Lilibert456 · 13/10/2023 18:06

How on earth do you accidentally stroke the inside of someone's inner thigh.

Azandme · 13/10/2023 18:07

Every time it's happened you've been transferring the baby? Could it be inadvertent because he's being overcautious about hurting the baby? Has it been when the baby was unable to support their head?

Watching my OH transfer a young baby to and from his sister/mum there were numerous awkward movements and brushes against boobs/upper arms etc. There's no way it was anything other than caution.

Is he very experienced with babies? It took OH a long time to actually stop being awkward, clumsy and excessively cautious. I remember his fingers poking me in the boob as he scooped. It takes practise and experience.

You say he was incredibly shocked - do you think that was genuine?

If my FIL accused me of something inappropriate that I hadn't done I would absolutely tell my OH. Would someone who did do something deliberately? Possibly.

I'm not saying it didn't happen, and if you are certain then that's that - but it seems strange it only happens related to the baby.

Azandme · 13/10/2023 18:10

Lilibert456 · 13/10/2023 18:06

How on earth do you accidentally stroke the inside of someone's inner thigh.

I did it to my best friend, scooping dd up from her lap - dd laid along the length of her thighs. I put one hand under her head, pushed my other hand under dd's bottom, fingers went right along the thigh gap. Totally inadvertent.

Jewelspun · 13/10/2023 18:16

Your daughter is in a very difficult place as she has a young baby and presumably loves her husband.

There is also her own ego to consider. No woman wants to believe that their partner could be attracted to their own mother.

She may well side with her husband and distance herself from you but you must bel clear that up 100% believe that he touched you inappropriately and that any time SHE wants to see you, she can.

Justletpeopleenjoythings · 13/10/2023 18:17

So much dismissal, no wonder lots of women still don't talk about these things.

Gloriously · 13/10/2023 18:17

So he knows you have a history of sexual abuse - he is darker than you know. He was trying to frighten and terrorise you - repeatedly.

If you have suspicions that he controls your DD with money (this is illegal under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 - economic abuse) - then this is likely the tip of the iceberg of abuse.

His family background would indicate either insecurities or poor role models?

What’s his relationship history?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 13/10/2023 18:24

I believe you, OP, and I think you did the right thing. 💐

I'd see your dd alone, tell her what happened, talk to her, tell her you love her and you want things to be right between you.

Good luck.

Your son in law sounds like a sleazy little shit.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 13/10/2023 18:28

And everyone who is disbelieving op or asking her to go into more detail about these assaults 🙄 - just fuck off. Show some compassion. We don't need men to put us down with some of you lot. You should be ashamed.

omgsally · 13/10/2023 18:37

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 13/10/2023 16:53

Would you though? I front of your dd? There is definitely no IF …. He did do this

I absolutely believe you. Women always know if something is inappropriate. It's highly unlikely you're the first woman he's done it to either.