Daughters bf touched me inappropriately

[Funnierthantheaveragemum]

after my grand baby was born, I began to notice his daddy was a bit more tactile to me than I was comfortable with. This man is a great dad and good to my dd. Dh and I, all the family are very fond of him.
There have been half a dozen or so times when he has lingered longer than needed to take the baby from my arms, or when he was on my lap he stroked the inside of my thigh. Each time it happened I felt sick. It was very triggering for me. I eventually called him and told him, I said something like, he probably didn’t mean to be this way but it was making me very uncomfortable. He apologised profusely and said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about but he was so so sorry that I was upset. I told him it was fine and obviously a misunderstanding, I was relieved this was the case and said I felt it best for us all to move on and my dd and my dh did not need to know, as I felt it was now dealt with. Anyway dd called me up, he told her. He was very upset, dd was very upset too obviously and said she had no doubt in her head he did not mean anything by it at all. She couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said to her right away, I told her I was trying to not hurt her, that I felt I was in a horrible position and would do anything not to hurt her, I had felt the best thing was to speak to him direct. I told my dh and he completely agreed I had done the right thing. He totally understood where I was coming from and the love for our dd was uppermost and we didn’t want her to be hurt, but I also had to be true to myself. He backed me completely. My relationship with dd is in tatters. She has told me today she resents me for this, she agrees she has not been very nice to me since and feels I should cut her some slack because of what I have put them through…… I feel
I am going mad. What else could I/ should I have done? Obviously she knows her partner far better than I do but I believe I had to stand up for myself. I feel today I have lost everyone. My dd my dgc.

I was abused numerous times as a young woman in my Saturday/holiday jobs. I never, ever challenged the abusers. It just wasn't something you did 30-40 years ago. One was a local dignitary, related to my mother. I did tell my parents but they counselled that I shouldn't say anything because I would probably have been blamed for leading him on. I never gave him the slightest idea that I would 'welcome his advances' but tbf, they were probably right.

I didn't even recognise the seriousness of what had happened to me until I was much older. This shit was something young women were expected to tolerate.

Your DD's BF is clearly a predator, and he has your DD in his clutches, and she has a baby now too. She will need you bigtime when she sees the light, whenever that is.

Perhaps let things settle for a bit, and maybe your DH could talk to her?

She's not going to see her DP for the creep he is, but you need to keep her close for when she does.

@HelpMeUnpickThis okay 👍🏼

How awful for you, can definitely relate,

@Funnierthantheaveragemum
Firstly, I am sorry and I for one believe you.

I’m surprised at posters who say you should have shouted up at the time. That may be the case for them, but the vast majority of women would freeze, think they’d made a mistake and definitely would not accuse someone at the time. We have been trained that way sadly and the perpetrators rely on our shock, and submissiveness.

My main concern would be my dd, as it is possible then that she is involved with someone who you would not want her to be. This behaviour is concerning and not normal. I would also be concerned for the baby sorry.

If you feel you’ve lost dd anyway, it may be you approach them both and call him out on his behaviour. Say you know what happened, you are on his case and you have concerns about your dd and dgc. You have nothing to lose if your dd is already fallen out with you over this but everything to gain if you keep your family safe in the end.

Of course all this depends on whether you have made a mistake or not. Of course you haven’t.

Good luck x

There is a certain feeling you get when being touched, yes you could easily palm it off as accidental but something deep down inside tells you that it was not. This touch doesn’t even have to been in an intimate area to feel this way, it just feels wrong. The same as someone holding your hand a fraction too long in a handshake, or holding a gaze longer than usual. Looks completely reasonable to others, nothing out of the ordinary but you feel it, you just do! The insidious nature of this means that others are oblivious, it’s so easily minimised and explained away/claimed accidental or plain didn’t happen, you wonder to yourself did it happen, was it just an accident even when you know it wasn’t! Then the worst of the worst happens and when you finally speak up others say the same thing…are you sure?? Perhaps it was just an accident!?? It is so bloody hurtful and damaging!!!

I am so sorry this happened to you OP, I believe you!! I also think you did the right thing, you gave him the benefit of doubt and tried to manage things without bringing hurt to your daughter. Please please remember that you didn’t do anything wrong, and you haven’t hurt your daughter, he has!!!

This! Thank you so much, it is so hard to remember I haven’t caused this hurt, because that is obviously the narrative. Thank you

Also find this odd that op hasn't even told her dh yet called the SIL up to speak to him. Normal and most common response would be to tell your dh not keep it a secret from everyone. You should have brought it up with your dd first not your SIL. And why wouldn't he tell his wife??

Op i believe you, just that I think your course of reaction was very odd.

That of course is your prerogative…. I don’t feel the need to explain myself as my original post does so, also I wasn’t asking to believed, I would hope in this day and age we are over that, but I did ask did I do the right thing. The majority of responses have been positive and those have helped me immensely.

I had told DH, in my post I have said what I said to DDP, my DH knew about this as soon as it happened, he supported me and believed the call I made was the best course of action. I have already posted that may have been naive in the hope he would not tell my DD, you say “normal and common response would be….” Has this situation happened to you that you can tell me that this is how you reacted? If not how can you say what’s normal or not?? Likewise to comment “common” reaction… I think just about everyone’s comments on my post shows this not a “common” thing to happen to someone. Pretty insulting and insensitive comment inmho

So you didn't accuse him, and you both agreed it was a 'innocent' mistake (even though it was clearly deliberate) and yet he can't sleep for two nights and is the victim?
Wow what a total tool.
Op just be there for your daughter when it all goes wrong. You'll be 'proved' right eventually.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it's weird how some posters are making you out to be the villain or down playing / minimising your feelings.
Brilliantly orchestrated on his part now he has an excellent excuse not to see you, to isolate your daughter, and he comes out smelling of roses.
No useful advice, leave your daughter to it now. Let your husband be the one to contact her / keep lines of communication open for the next few weeks, until this all dies down.

Thank you

By common or normal, I meant speak to your dd first and at least give her a heads up that you are going to confront him. Him NOT telling her would come across as him wanting to hide this and guilty. You've also given him the opportunity to give her the news and his reaction first. That's where I think you went wrong. I'm sure she feels the same that you did this without even speaking to her. Honestly if someone accused me of something so horrible I would be sick with upset too! So his reactions come across as normal while yours didn't to your dd.

So are you saying this has happened to you? Because I again I reiterate, how can you possibly know what is “normal”??

So me thinking you should have spoken to your dd first isn't what you would consider the usual response. She also seems to think so. I'm just saying that you asked a question and I'm telling you this is why your dd is upset. I believe you, all I'm saying is that you went about it in a very unusual way. If this was me I would be very, very upset this all went on behind my back without even saying a word to me!

Her world has blown apart, she has no idea what to think anymore…. I, as her mother, tried my very best to shield her from this. I don’t feel I should be justifying my actions to you… yet here I am,… because you are subtly suggesting, well I don’t know really know what you are suggesting, but from my point of view it is not very nice. Has this happened to you? Because again for the third time I am asking how can you possibly know what you would’ve done if it hasn’t???

This is just so horribly sad because it’s hard to see how your relationship with your daughter will be repaired.

I have been in a similar situation with two male relatives but both older than me. I told other relatives and just avoided them in future (including not attending family events). It’s very very very hard to manage this stuff with families because it inevitably leads to huge fall outs that potentially can’t be mended. It’s not like work or some place where you leave it all behind and move on.

OP I wonder if counselling might be really helpful to you in working through the feelings that this has uncovered (the stuff that was triggering) and managing relationships with your daughter going forwards? I find counselling can really help to take the emotion out of your own behaviour and decisions and interactions which in turn can be hugely helpful in navigating this sort of situation - especially as it is now so heated. I also think it’s really positive - and bold - for older relations to model positive behaviour through a counselling approach. You are sort of saying to others “I am working on myself” which leaves the ball in their court to consider their own responses without your emotions impacting them in the same way. Just a thought. Good luck.

I understand you maybe think you are playing devils advocate for my girl but I know her, i know about things that have happened to her, I need to keep her in the forefront of my mind always. I gave him the benefit of the doubt in the first instance, to let him k ow it affected me. Had he said in the call, no I’m not keeping it from her then obviously I wldve spoken to her immediately…. But he didn’t…. He has a narrative…. I was too niave to think of that ….

OP, if he had called you and said: please can you stop coming onto me, you’re making me really uncomfortable (or similar) would you really not tell your husband? Surely it would be the first thing you would do?

Mmmm yes, the difference is though, I’m not in that position, I’m not a predator. I also have been with my DH over 20 years. I would know exactly how he would react,
he would trust me and know im
speaking the truth.

This is a relatively new relationship,
none of us really, “ know” this boy, you are right about the counselling route , I will look into this, thank you

I’m so sorry this happened to you, I have been in a similar position.

It’s not your fault and you have no blame in this. Ignore the posters who don’t get this, they sound clueless.

It is a very common reaction that no one believes sexual abuse occurring within the family, it’s much easier for them to think there was some misunderstanding.

The truth is so heinous and disgusting, that no one wants to believe this kind of evil exists. Unfortunately it does, and doing it in plain sight is one of the tactics of these psychopaths.

Most women do have a freeze response, in shock, stunned disbelief, horror… you can’t believe it’s happening, let alone what to do about it, it does a number on the psyche and is very traumatic and damaging.

I was young and inexperienced, didn’t have children and the perpetrator wasn’t an in-law. No one believed me, it was I who was painted as a sick malicious liar (this also happens commonly in these situations), the abuser was a saint and not enough could be done for him. I got verbal and emotional abuse. Funnily enough, the punishment of me was coming from exclusively from the women of the family, as is happening here…. the self betrayal of deep ingrained misogyny .

My solution was the distance myself from the family and all those who disbelieved and unsettled my peace. Then, we’ll, what do you know, he carried on abusing and it happened to other family members eventually. Everyone finally saw him for the psychopath he was, but it took years.

In your position, I would report it to the police… for the sake of your grandBABY, this guy is very dangerous if he has already been so bold and to his mother in law in sight of his wife with his baby in your arms… just sickening.

We need to save this baby, your daughter is an adult who can make her own decisions.

My perpetrator was only stopped because each person reported him. To save and help future victims, mainly your grandchild, you must do the same, this individual is obviously no stranger to incest if he he’s evil enough to try this with you, a child would have no chance.

Please act, immediately. You will be taken seriously. The use of it will be that the next victim will be believed and something will be done!

Hes behaved abhorrent but you've played into his hands by confronting him and not speaking to your dd first,he has been able to control the narrative here and could easily isolate your dd from you and your dh. I suspect he's a creep who will try it on with anyone.

I don't think it would matter what you said. She loves him and wants to believe the best in him. It's easier to believe you are mistaken. Also he has painted himself self as the victim, which if he was genuinely mortified he wouldn't do.

I wouldn't have any more secret conversations though. All communication through your dd otherwise he will just manipulate things further

OP, this is a truly ugly toxic thing that happened to you, and I really don't think there is any way you could have dealt with it which minimised the damage it's done to your relationship with your dd. It was always going to blow up, sooner or later. You did the absolute best you could to protect your dd, and I hope you don't blame yourself in any way. I hope she can see that one day.

I hope you and your daughter can make up. She will be missing you as much as you are missing her. She knows deep down you are genuine. She just needs some time x