My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

[Eightiesgirl84]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

Ditch him!

well this is an easy one

He wants your child out of the picture so you can concentrate on him.

I think both you and your daughter would benefit by you ending the relationship with your boyfriend.

I’ve not repeated his opinions to her as don’t want her to feel run down by him.
I’ll always put her first. All I’m trying to establish is from outside looking in - could I really be the root cause of daughters low school attendance and I’m really a failing parent

Nailed it.

Who the F does he think he is?!

Absolutely bin him off, fucking nerve of him.

Apparently a better parent than me as his sons are both in university now. Good for them. My daughter is smart enough for university one day too but right now it’s taking all her emotional and mental energy just to get to school let alone keep up with all her schoolwork and excel

Agree with PP - ditch him. Judgmental about your parenting without having even seen you and your daughter together much. And with views that sound like they are straight out of the 1930s. Bet he resents the time you spend talking about your daughter. And I bet his Ex did all the hard yards parenting his kids too.

If you are yourself genuinely concerned you are being too "soft" with your daughter, talk to the school who know her well and have heaps of experience and ask their honest opinion. They'll be able to tell you far better than some jerk who has barely spent any time with her and whose only qualification to advise you is being a (presumably part time, non resident parent) to two boys. But you know your own daughter best so ultimately you get to decide. You are her mum.

You aren't the cause of your daughter's anxiety at all. You sound very realistic and supportive of her. You deserve better than a man who puts you down so he can puff himself up. Dump.

That's not for bloke who's just walked into your life 6 months ago to decide. Tell him to get lost. None of his business.

Definitely can say his boys are a success because they had both parents equally involved growing up unlike my situation doing it mainly solo. It’s got to point I’m lying saying she’s gone to school even when she hasn’t just to avoid the lectures and anger

Her anxiety extends outside of school too. She will go to her closest friends homes but nothing where there’s bigger crowds or groups of people. She won’t do team sports or anything where she’s in the limelight or could fail or embarrass herself

I think it is irrelevant whether he's right or not, he's pushing his opinions on you unsolicited and making you feel bad. This isn't helpful at all, irrespective of whether you are a bad parent (fwiw I don't think it sounds like you are). Even if you aren't telling DD what he's said she could be picking up the negative vibes which won't help the situation. Tell him he needs to stop criticising and be supportive or it's over.

My DS missed loads of school around gcse year. Daily migraines. Which were very real but stress related. Did his GCSEs at home with an invigilator. We couldn’t get him to school. And I know we were judged for it by certain so called friends. Ex friends.

He had help and support from school and a psychologist.

Did his A levels. Went to uni. Got a first. And is now doing a Masters.

your so called partner needs to wind his neck in. It’s none of his business.

Get rid of him. You sound like a loving mum doing her absolute best. He wants you not your daughter. Get rid of him.

Being the parent of a teenager who struggles with their mental health is difficult and demoralising, and a decent partner would be affirming that you're doing a good job and that with your support your daughter will come through this difficult period and find her feet.

If he won't stop undermining your self confidence from a place of total ignorance he doesn't deserve you.

Well, as she's not going to get better and more confident and less anxious around that judgemental arse of a BF, OP, I think you know the answer here.

BTW he sounds awful. I bet your parenting isn't the only thing he's critical about, either.

You def know dd best and of course you would want her to go but it isnt as easy as that. Dont let anyone make you doubt that. Even if you wanted to how exactly do you force her to go anyway?

He obviously has little experience/understanding of mental health and instead of trying to understand and empathise he assumes he knows best - very arrogant. Would not be the one for me.

As an aside, while waiting for help with her anxiety is there any tutors you could access to help her keep up with some classes? May not be affordable but i would think about that if you are in a position to.

Dump him. How dare he. For starters he doesn't believe in anxiety so his never going to get it so actually no point in talking to him at all about your daughter. His not being supportive so what is the point of him. I agree with others maybe he wants your daughter out the way at her dads so you can have more time for him.

Dump him, he knows nothing. Do not doubt yourself.

I would say the following…

I didn’t ask for your parenting advice, I don’t want it and do not need it.
You are a father not a mother, you have sons not a teenage daughter, you are not the fucking oracle on parenting so just F OFF with your unwanted advice and judgy comments! We are over!

Things would have been over for me the very minute he suggested your daughter should live with her father full time….how bloody convenient he should have the gall to think that and the audacity to actually say it out loud….to you!!! Mr high and mighty needs tossing back into the sea, he’s no good, and it’s not going to get any better!

You should definitely dump this man. I'd love to ask his ex how he parented, too. Those with the biggest opinions often do the least.

Dump !

You do not want to be with someone who doesn’t support you at such a tough time.

Anyone who thinks anxiety doesn’t exist in teens is ignoring a multitude of evidence.

IF he has solid suggestions (which he won’t because he’s denying your daughter’s issues exist) but IF he did, there are ways to express that in a constructive way. He has missed the mark entirely.

I’d strongly suspect he just wants your daughter out of your hair so you can concentrate on Very Important Him.

No it’s not ! How’d you guess