My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

[Eightiesgirl84]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

Only to see if she would be happy doing it. We do argue a lot which I guess is her way of letting off steam. Sometimes I take it personally like I’m the antagonist and maybe she would feel happier at her dads. I never want her to think she has to stay with me. I will love her just as much even if she opted for her fathers

I think, given what you've said about your own upbringing, it's natural you were initially attracted to a dominant type man as that's what was modelled to you in childhood as what men are supposed to be like. It's no wonder you doubted yourself in the face of supreme masculine confidence. You've actually done incredibly well to break out of your programming to make your own mind up about dumping him, and needed only some reassurance to accept that you are the best option for your DD. Please try to accept that as a mere mortal you are allowed to be imperfect, in fact it's inevitable; but loving your DD, finding out everything you can, interceding and pulling strings for her are all the very best anyone can do. As for the man who believes he IS perfect and DOES know everything, he gives himself no chance to learn and grow. He's not a healthy person to be around.

BTW when one of my DC had crippling anxiety the school were excellent, let him drop the subjects he found most challenging, and provided a separate exam room with individual supervision to take the remaining GCSEs. He was able to come in just for those subjects, and passed them all. The only times he had a bit of a relapse was when certain staff members decided they knew better than CAMHS and their own pastoral care lead, and tried to push DS out of his zone. I just wish I'd realised earlier that he needed support and intercession rather than pushing - he'd probably have been in a better place or at least recovered sooner if I hadn't done it wrong at first. Domineering, "do as you're told", "suck it up", "deny all weakness" type father here too, you see... (mine, not DS's).

I have recently asked the school to consider allowing her to drop non essential subjects and maybe just focus on important ones - math and English of course and if she is feeling overwhelmed or struggling to focus, let her have a classroom break. There’s unfortunately no rooms she can go sit in but even if they allow her to have a breather outside regularly or maybe she can come home early. Her going to school part day and keeping up with core classes is better than not attending at all.
I am glad you had support for your son and he was able to sit his exams and pass.

Anyway thanks to posters who helped me with encouraging me as a parent and not allowing me to fully doubt myself as a parent and not let the ex’s words erode me or part with my daughter

Your ex's sons did well educationally. Brilliant. That could be despite having him as their father, rather than because of how he parented them. It could be that they did well academically but are emotionally stunted; it could be their mum did all the parenting' it could be they have grown up as domineering and selfish like their dad. Their good academic results are great but they don't make them more 'successful' as human beings than anyone else, your daughter included. And even if they are great in every area of life, it doesn't mean it's down to his method of parenting.

Conversely, your daughter's issues don't reflect you as her mum. You sound like a lovely and caring mum. You have an empathy that your ex doesn't have. You have an emotional intelligence he doesn't have. You are prioritising your daughter, whereas he appears to prioritise himself. You have a humility, whereas he thinks he's always right.

I'm pleased for your DD that she has you as a parent, and not him. He couldn't cope. He would make her worse. He would fail her if he was her father.

You've done the right thing to get him away from your precious daughter. I wish you and your DCs well. One thing is for certain - life will be better without him.