My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

[Eightiesgirl84]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

My daughter has 2 main friends. They’re the only ones she feels comfortable around. They have moments of being very happy then they might fall out for a while. However her friends have always been welcome and they spend a lot more time at my house than she does at theirs. I do take them places and cinemas.
Actually this is another reason I’m told my parenting is no good because I have my daughters friends over too often and run around after these girls too much and spend too much money …

He sounds horrible, please dump him.
You sound very caring and in tune to your DDs needs.
He probably wouldn't have a clue if his sons were struggling at uni, I doubt they would tell him, going on what you've said about him on here.

Her mental health is more important than education at this point. She can always return to education. My DD missed a lot of school in her early/mid teens, due to anxiety, it was very stressful so you have my sympathy. She's now a confident adult with a great job.

I remember the judgement from friends and family, thinking I was soft and she 'had me round her little finger'.

OP you sound like he is making you very anxious. No-one on here cares about his reasoning and neither should you. She is your DD you know what is best.

She is not going to stay with her father. If you must stay with this knob of a man, just close down these suggestions / discussions. ‘I am not discussing this with you anymore. If you continue I am leaving’

Continue to work with the school to see if you can improve her attendance. Can they offer her a safe quiet place at break and lunchtimes for example. Can she sit at the front of each class. Can she drop any subjects that require performances like music or dance. Would a reduced timetable help. Can she have a time out pass where she can leave a lesson and go to a safe place without a discussion. Can teachers refrain from asking her to answer questions out loud in class. Can she avoid tutor time or other times she finds stressful and are not lessons etc etc whatever strategies you and your daughter and the school can suggest.

Is it the high expectations or pressure of school that is making her anxious? could she go part time as in mornings for a while and keep up with work at home? Some private schools ave very intense. let her know that you’re proud of her what ever her academic achievements are and you don’t care what she gets in exams as long as she’s ok. She needs some confidence boosting and love and support. Quality time! You sound like a great mum so I’m sure you know all this already! Your partner had his chance at parenting he raised his boys this is your child to parent how you want! also she doesn't have to be held at the same standard as his boys there not even related or have had the same opportunity and upbringing as her. Explain to him she’s your child and you haven’t asked for parenting advice from him if he can’t keep his opinions to himself you will have to rethink the relationship as he’s stressing you out which is taking up head space you need to focus on your daughter. Hope she feels better soon x

These are all good suggestions. I recently met with several teachers and explained she’s struggling to cope with all the work. For her she feels weighted down. I’m not sure if they’ll be prepared to give her a reduced timetable. I did suggest maybe she can just attend and focus on core subjects for now and sit out in a quiet room or even be at home for the non essential subjects ie: religion, drama class, Japanese, HPE.
I am grateful for ever one’s comments as I had been starting to worry I’m failing as a parent and half expected people’s responses to be agreeing I’m a bad mother for my daughter being a recluse and missing school

Have you read why does he do that by lumsy Bancroft.its primarily about physical abuse but covers all kinds of abuse.

He falls into a few of the abuser profiles in it.

No wonder he's divorced, his poor ex.

(Lundy)

Ok this extra info is even more worrying. You should be able to set a boundary with your partner about him not giving opinions on your parenting. For you to feel unable to do this or for him to not respect that is scary- especially him getting 'angry' over it.

I know it's so hard dating and finding someone you like as a single mum, but losing a man like this is no loss. If he won't respect you and your boundaries here and he won't empathize with your daughter, he won't do in any other scenario in the future. He's a wrong un

PS look up young minds and anxiety based school
Avoidance if you haven't already x

My god he’s a self righteous, rude, judgemental bully. Why are you putting up with this bollocks? Tell him a few home truths then block him.

Honestly, how you haven’t told him to fuck right off already is kind of surprising. The cheek of the man!

He sounds terrible. You and him are just seeing each other a few months. He knows that you are having a hard time with your daughter and trying to figure out what to do.
He wants her gone their so you can have more time for him. He also does not want to hear about your problems or offer any support to you.

At this stage I tell him it over as it not working out between you. Tell him you can see he wants to be with a woman with no kids but unfortunately for him you're putting you and your daughter 1st.

I think that you need to get your daughter assessed for ADHD and autism as well. Autism presents different in girls. They can mask (cover it up) well in primary school but as they get older it harder. It becomes more apparent and they can appear different to other girls of the same age. I look at the autism society UK website to get more information.

Your daughter sounds similar to a girl child (X) I know. X found it hard to make friends. Their were other signs that something was wrong with X that became more pronounced as she got older. She was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum.
When X went to secondary school her parents had a good chat with the school principal re her diagnosis, what she was like and she got the help she required.
A few years ago X would not want to get involved in sport, go places or do thing's and socially she was poor. She would get anxiety about things that another child would take in their stride.
Getting her involved in sport let her make friends. Get the autism diagnosis enabled her to get the help she needed.
Now X will be doing her A levels next year. She is planning to leave home to go to university.
She is doing well in school. She has friends their and through sport. She has a boyfriend.
I knew she had a hard time and her parents were worried about her but with the right help she is now in a good place.

I would go private to get your daughter assessed for ASD and ADHD. Regarding school I would ask her what she like to do after leaving school. Perhaps she is better at more practical subjects than learning ones. Getting her though school and letting her do GCSE is important because this stage will lead her to courses, college or university than will lead her to a job.

I would chat to the school principal and see what think regarding what exams your daughter could and should do. Perhaps she could drop 1 or 2 subjects and that might help her re school and her anxiety. I also block certain sites on her mobile so she can just make and receive calls. FB, snap chat ect could be making her feel worse or making her anxiety worse.
I think that you also need to push your daughter a bit into going places or doing things.
It won't be easy but unless you do this I think she could end up finding adulthood hard re going to college, making friends and getting and keeping a job harder.

I would speak to you doctor as well about her and what she is like at the moment. Maybe your doctor could give her a physical check up and blood tests and suggest some medication that could help her.

You need to ask ?

Your soon to be ex is an utter fuckwit.

I know you’ve said your DD refuses exercise but walking (with you if she wants) in a green space would be really good for her mood. Even it takes bribing her with a hot chocolate when you get back or borrowing a dog to walk, it’s worth trying to get her out. Some kind of breathing exercises/meditation techniques would target her anxiety and teach her to relax and let go of the tension she’s building up. Both of those things will help with healthy sleep which is very important for good mental health.

Not at all. You do indeed need to ditch him.

Omg

my son has asd , depression anxiety
i now have a very very gentle parenting approach

im sorry for your DD

your partner needs to STFU
and probably fuck off

parenting mentally ill teens is very tough
this is why I’m mostly single
You need to follow your own way here

I have mentioned these things over and over to my daughter about harmful affects of insufficient sleep, too much screen time, not enough fresh air and sun. Trying to encourage her to take little steps of outdoor activity, joining in even one activity, socialising in small settings. The more she doe it the easier it will become. I’m trying to convince her to talk to a therapist as there’s a few organisations for teens. Her unwillingness over everything is a stumbling block.
This goes back to me being told send her to her father as he will get her out the house and doing things and get to school - success in all the areas I’m failing. For her own good he makes out

My daughters dad has a lovely partner who has 2 adult daughters. It had crossed my mind would my daughter maybe thrive from a trial run 6 to 12 months with her dad and his partner. Would it possibly help her. I wouldn’t know unless I tried.
however I don’t need a man shouting at me that I’m a terrible parent and unless I send my daughter away she will amount to nothing

Your DDs dad has a lovely partner with 2 adult DDs yet he can't be bothered with his own DD?? Does his partner know of this situation? Even though it's not their problem per se, I think if that was my partner and his DC was struggling, especially if I had DC too, I would be throughly supportive.

I certainly wouldn't trial 6 months, way too long for her.

I have several friends parenting similar teens. I feel for them so much and sometimes in my head wish I could give the teen a firm talking to and “fix it” as I see my poor friends going through hell with these kids.

I know I’m unreasonable and it’s not the teens fault and would never voice that to my friends but the teens are so entirely self absorbed and do not see the pain they cause their parents. I know it’s not their fault but it’s hard to watch one friend is at breaking point with it.

He sounds awful - manipulative and unsupportive, focused on his own agenda. I think the thing that stood out most for me was you feeling the need to lie to him about your daughter not having been at school. Surely you don't need that sort of relationship in your life. Glad you're thinking of moving on from him.

He doesn’t get involved with our daughter or help at all. He sees her 5-6 weeks in total a year and as it’s brief he doesn’t see her anxiety or issues as she can mask it for a school holiday therefore he doesn’t believe she has issues. I’m just a soft parent being taken for a ride by my own child is his opinion

I get in trouble over every area of parenting not only her schooling. I’m his opinion she’s the worst behaved teen he’s met

It’s not easy if you’re on the outside looking in as it appears that the kids are ruling the roost. I get that often firmer boundaries are needed but in some cases like mine, the teen is really struggling and shouting at them and punishing them isn’t going to help unfortunately

@Eightiesgirl84 and in my opinion your bf is one of the most annoying, entitled man I can imagine.