My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

[Eightiesgirl84]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

He knows all the facts about my childhood and my daughters. Doesn’t seem to care

He thinks it's a good idea to ask a negligent, irresponsible, disinterested, selfish father to have his DD live with him full-time?

I think he perhaps took too many knocks to the head during his rugby playing.

What an absolute plonker.

I’ve never met her but he goes out his way not to mention her. Only thing he’s said is she thought she knew everything and argued too much.
I agree with you - having athletic prowess does not make you a decent human. At that age he could’ve pushed himself athletically to feel macho or get girls to look at him. Sounds like he had a lot of girlfriends back then. His parents are wealthy too so he grew up with a silver spoon.
More important parts of life are being compassionate, respectful, honest, caring, empathetic

Also the absolute misogyny/sexism in his values is leaking through there significantly.

A man, who took little to no responsibility for his child after leaving her and her Mum... Would be a better, "firmer" patent than a woman who took full responsibility for her child from day one, without lapse.

Did you fuck off and have multiple relationships and leave her with her Dad, and barely see her? No, you've been there every day and are trying to do your best by her.

He's deeply sexist, foolish and full of nonsense.

He suggested it for a year. He says 12 months is nothing and it might do her the world of good. But if she hates it she can come back to me and would hopefully have an improved attitude.
it’s not the army. That approach doesn’t work on emotional teens. You can’t discipline them into having confidence and good mental health

Firstly well done for getting you and your daughter away from that man. He clearly just wanted rid of her at her most vulnerable point and I'm sure she was scared every time you or he brought it up.

Secondly I think you should apologise to your daughter for suggesting that she be sent away to live with another uncaring man (her dad) who also doesn't prioritise her at all and who has repeatedly rejected her in the past by not bothering to parent her.

She needs to know that from now on she's secure in her home with you, her family. You need to reassure her to undo the fear you've both put in her that she will lose the one place that she feels is safe and the one person who actually cares about her.

I wish you both all the best. It can't be easy, but you've done the right thing getting rid of that guy now.

Not surprised to read this.

And what you've said about twenty somethings is yet another reason to have gotten rid of him and be very glad about it.

This guy is my first relationship. I’ve had men who are just friends that I’ve hung out with and included my daughter but nothing physical or romantic. Ive tried my best to focus on her as to be honest after working fulltime and parenting, it doesn’t leave much time and every for dating

Hey OP I am glad you posted and dumped the bf.

In posts this morning you sound like you are still doubting yourself as her parent though. Please focus on this. You ARE doing the right things and being a good mum. Push the memory of his words away. They're toxic.

I came on to say please don't broach the going to Dad's thing again, except to reassure her that you felt you had to check it with her and that the idea is now closed.

Assure her it's not a possible in the future. She needs you and safety.

I have 2 boys, 14 with severe OCD (doesn't leave house) and 13 awaits ASD assessment. Very toxic/abusive father (my ex). I KNOW how hard it is. Try and find some time to be you (I know its virtually impossible).

Everything you say shows your love for DD and she knows it. You're doing great 💐

Only thing he’s said is she thought she knew everything and argued too much.

Lol

If you need more evidence that he's an opinionated, domineering, arrogant, argumentative, sexist dickhead; there you have it.

Maybe he'll find himself a twenty something stepford wife. Maybe he'll buy one from abroad.

You'll well out of it; he's not got any of the qualities necessary to be a good addition to your and your Dds life.
I'd argue, any woman's life.

Other than a sugar baby who wants to rinse an older man.

Only thing he’s said is she thought she knew everything and argued too much.

Textbook controlling cockwomble 😂

I have apologised and explained to her that I don’t want her gone. I love her and sometimes feel overwhelmed. Suggesting her dad has only been in my real down moments where I feel I don’t have what it takes and maybe she would like to try it out there. Thank you for the advice

His wife tolerated him 18 years. Maybe she had low standards or maybe he wasn’t a douche back then

Good luck with your teens. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and doing what you can

She tolerated him for 18 years? Sounds like from the timelines she spent a lot of time bringing up the kids effectively on her own, and when they got older, the thought of them leaving home and being left with him was too much to take so she buggered off!

Could be. He did say to me when I broke it off that if I change my mind, too bad. I make my bed I must lie in it

Your DD is brave and hard working. It takes a lot to face your anxiety all the time. You are hardworking. It takes a lot to parent an anxious child. I have a similar but younger DD. He obviously hasn't parented a child with anxiety or he would (hopefully) know better. Pushing too much makes things worse not better. It's a balancing act pushing enough but not too much. Life is harder for some people than for others. It's great for him if his kids are doing well, but he's parented 2 kids only and their are a myriad of different personalities and a myriad of different life experiences and struggles kids can go through. He is wrong and his beliefs around mental health could do serious damage to your DD if he ever expresses them around her. I would ditch him.

Good on you for giving him the sack @Eightiesgirl84

He sounded like a know-it-all ignorant knob head and you are well shot of him.

The 1950s attitude of "(wo)man up" is terribly outdated and damaging for your daughter.

She says school is so draining. I a liaising with the teachers. She asked to be home schooled however this won’t help her socially. Plus i have to work full day. I do understand how exhausting it would be mentally and emotionally as not only does she have to focus on multiple subjects, please the teachers, but also deal with being around several hundred students when she feels so uncomfortable and inferior

100%. He told me that he cannot believe how stupid and naive I am at times for someone of my age.

You need to stop thinking about your ex. Stop continuing to argue with him in your head and on here. You binned him for a good reason, now just let the bin lorry do its job, and stop poking about down there amongst the old crisp packets and cheese wrappers.

I think you actually need to take a long hard look at yourself in this situation. Why in the first place did you think it OK to discuss your daughters problems with a stranger and secondly why you needed to ask strangers on here what to do. Why didn't you tell him to do one the first time he criticised your daughter? Your child needs your protection and not being exposed to any old bloke you get with

Lots of women put up with lots of stuff til their kids grow up.

You see it on here and irl.all the time.

You don't become a douche in that way, that would be v unlikely.

But you still discussed it with her

Why?

How ironic.

And he's quite a bit older too.

"My dad's dad barely bothered with her after he left us..... She's going through a hard time atm"

"Send her to her Dad for at least a year, he'll sort her out!"

Lol.

Has he been checked for brain injuries from his rugby days?

When someone is as generally critical and derogatory towards their partner as he was being to you.... And unreasonable with it; you are usually looking at abuse. I think he's a type of abuser. You can see it in his behaviour/contact patterns and well.

Attention