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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

230 replies

Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 12:59

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 11/10/2023 14:05

Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 13:37

I have told him he knows nothing of my situation as it’s been happening for years but got worse. Teachers say age 13/14 are the worst especially with girls for anxiety and low school attendance. It’s a more common issue than many realise. Maybe his sons excelled because they were pushed hard and too afraid to fail? I don’t Molly coddle my daughter but I try listen to her and show her support. I feel kids need to know we are there with them and should feel home is a safe space and not trying to please teachers and parents and keep up with peers. So much pressure.
I agree - if this guy was genuine and caring he would be supportive and not judgemental. He doesn’t live with us, he doesn’t have to do the hard yards. He should keep out if it unless if he was actively helping

You sound like a lovely mum and I’m sure your daughter will be ok with you looking after her.

HellonHeels · 11/10/2023 14:05

He needs to be history. Sounds like you're doing fine with parenting. There is an epidemic of anxiety and MH issues in our younger population, you and DD are doing your best.

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 14:06

It’s a comfort to know others go through this but come out successful.
Thank you. Definitely not giving up on my daughter for anyone especially someone with no empathy

OP posts:
AFieldGuideToTrees · 11/10/2023 14:08

He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother

@Eightiesgirl84 And this dickhead is still your boyfriend because......?

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 14:09

I had problems as a teenager and my parents and step parents ignored it. Only my grandparents stepped in to help. So I don’t want my child feeling unsupported as I personally went through it

OP posts:
Rec0veringAcademic · 11/10/2023 14:10

I used to be a very anxious teen with frequent panic attacks. I was given medication and pretty much expected to get on with it (times were very different back then, not going to school / switching schools was difficult, so my parents had limited options). Guess what? Just pushing through it was not conducive to healing, either in the short or the long term.

You are doing the right thing. Support your daughter. She will thank you later. Tell this wannabe dictator to fuck right off.

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 14:11

To be honest we’ve barely been talking because I’ve felt like there’s no hope for us as he’s a bully regarding my daughter. He’s not going to be in my future!!

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 11/10/2023 14:13

OP, you say she's waiting to be assessed for ADHD but have you considered that she may be autistic? My DD had similar issues that got a lot worse around 13. It fairly common in girls with undiagnosed ASD. They can mask quite well when they're younger but the gap between themselves and the NT peers gets wider in the teens and they struggle to keep the mask in place, so withdraw to their safe space (home). My DD was diagnosed at 15.

shieldmaiden7 · 11/10/2023 14:18

Sorry but a relationship still that young it should be fun still, he shouldn't make any comments on your parenting skills at all he should be supporting you and being your escapism.
Get rid of him for not only your mental health and your daughters. She will grow up resenting you that you kept him around.

Personally I think you sound like a wonderful and caring mum. Teen girls and mental health/anxiety in teens are hard enough without a middle aged ass telling you it's nonsense and I'm talk from experience of having 2 teenage daughters, a 17 year old with anxiety and an ex who was in his late 40s who told me repeatedly my anxiety was all in my head, anxiety doesn't exist and I was allowing myself to feel like that and I needed to stop and get over it.

Don't stop the support you're providing your daughter. She will thank you when she's older

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 14:20

I’ve never considered that I guess as she communicates well and up until 4th grade was almost top of her class. Did the paediatrician do a diagnosis for ASD

OP posts:
TheFireflies · 11/10/2023 14:30

He thinks men are the better parents because they’re not woolly, wet and emotional (not that you are! Just how he sees it). I bet he thinks he’s a better parent than his ex, too, and his sons achievements are all down to him.

OP he doesn’t even know your daughter and being tough isn’t going to work with a teenage girl who’s anxious and possibly neurodiverse. It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and if you do need support it won’t come from him.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/10/2023 14:32

Get rid. Awful wanker.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 11/10/2023 14:33

Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 14:20

I’ve never considered that I guess as she communicates well and up until 4th grade was almost top of her class. Did the paediatrician do a diagnosis for ASD

My DD had no serious issues in primary school and was also smartest in class. She did have some anxiety and felt like she didn't really have friends. She could communicate well although did sometimes slip into monologues where she talked at you rather than with you. The wheels fell off when she hit her teens.

She was diagnosed by a consultant psychologist but the assessment was done by a team of other professionals. We're not in the UK so I don't know how it's done there.

My DD was like a different person after diagnosis. She said it was like she finally had 'permission' to be herself rather than trying to be like evryone else. She all grown up now and is an English teacher.

I suggest you read up on autism in teenage girls because it doesn't look like people think it looks like. I remember when it was first suggested to me thinking 'nah, not my DD' but then I read an article about autistic girls and honestly thought the author must have met my DD.

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 14:33

He says his ex wife was a good mother. He does praise himself a lot as a father

OP posts:
SocialistSally · 11/10/2023 14:36

My daughter is autistic and has been out of school since April. You are not the cause. I’m also divorced.

He is a dick, dump him.

LifeExperience · 11/10/2023 14:37

Why are you putting up with him? He's your boyfriend; you can leave the relationship at any time for any reason. His being a pompous a-hole without a clue is more than enough reason, as is his name-calling of your daughter.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/10/2023 14:43

Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 14:33

He says his ex wife was a good mother. He does praise himself a lot as a father

He's an absolute cunt.

Frisate · 11/10/2023 14:44

I’m really sorry OP, I understand how difficult this must feel, but he really doesn’t sound like the sort of person you’d want around your child.

BethDuttonsTwin · 11/10/2023 14:53

The first time he said this I would have told him it would be best if he left and to take any of his possessions in my home with him.

wildwestpioneer · 11/10/2023 14:57

Bin him

The last thing your dd needs is someone in her life that is negative and unsupportive, and the last thing you need in your life is a man that doesn't support you and is negative

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/10/2023 14:57

I'm afraid OP that his attitude is commonplace if you are lucky enough to have compliant, easy and academic DCs. You see it on MN all the time from the perfect parents with the cat's bum faces and "helpful" suggestions of being firm, removing tech and cutting off the Wi-Fi.

I had a school refuser/anxious DC at that age as well OP. I understand; it's truly shit. But my DS is 20 now and doing very well in life despite not having gone to uni; much better than we could ever have hoped.

So although there is no magic wand, they do come out of it the other side. One thing that worked for my DS was walking at night with him.

And yes, ditch the boyfriend. You need supportive people in your life.

Squirrelsbite · 11/10/2023 15:03

To add to the ^^pp
you are a kind loving mom looking after your child the best you can
ditch the bum

Chocolatesandroses · 11/10/2023 15:06

Get rid of him op he will just get worse with time . Thinks he’s better than everyone else and knows everything and clearly doesn’t . You are doing everything you should be doing and that’s supporting your daughter .

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 11/10/2023 15:07

another dump voter!

TheresaOfAvila · 11/10/2023 15:10

Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 13:17

Definitely can say his boys are a success because they had both parents equally involved growing up unlike my situation doing it mainly solo. It’s got to point I’m lying saying she’s gone to school even when she hasn’t just to avoid the lectures and anger

Putting aside the topic, why would you want a relationship with someone angry and prone to lecturing.

your daughter is just the excuse. If she was perfect he’d find another topic. Just get rid of him- and tell him I think he’s a cunt on his way out.

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