My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

[Eightiesgirl84]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

He doesn't believe in anxiety and depression in teens.

Lol.

For one thing, he has two sons ... Is that right?

Anxiety and depression is more common in females than males after puberty .... Because of the massive toll hormonal changes & cycles take on females. So he's an ignorant fool for not knowing that.

Even if it weren't a gender thing ..... Teens are humans, they are young adults ..... And since humans can get anxious and depressed, what is it about teens and their bodies and brains that makes him think they are some magical exception to the rule??

He sounds rather stupid, idiotic and wilfully blind.

Also so what his two sons are at uni and apparently didn't have any problems. A. they're male, b. They're them ..... People are all different, your dd is not a robot clone of other kids and vice versa. He was lucky his sons haven't suffered any mh problems, anxiety or depression, that's all

C. If typical parenting patterns are anything to go by, I bet their mother did most of the work and deserved most of the credit anyway. Did he have them 50-50 and take a totally equal role in their schooling, upbringing, support etc.? He'll say he did but did he really?

He's not a good person to have around you and your dd. He's foolish, ignorant, black and white, lacking compassion, hard-line, patronising etc.

He needs gotten ridnof. I'd not be having the dick of a man coming out with all this crap near me, let alone inside me; sorry to be crude but there it is.

Put this rubbish excuse of a man in the bin.

How have you managed to not rip his fucking head off. How dare he!

He's an arse.

I have told him he knows nothing of my situation as it’s been happening for years but got worse. Teachers say age 13/14 are the worst especially with girls for anxiety and low school attendance. It’s a more common issue than many realise. Maybe his sons excelled because they were pushed hard and too afraid to fail? I don’t Molly coddle my daughter but I try listen to her and show her support. I feel kids need to know we are there with them and should feel home is a safe space and not trying to please teachers and parents and keep up with peers. So much pressure.
I agree - if this guy was genuine and caring he would be supportive and not judgemental. He doesn’t live with us, he doesn’t have to do the hard yards. He should keep out if it unless if he was actively helping

Don't ever live with him. In fact ditch him.

Your parenting sounds spot on to me. I have a similar dd aged 15. I am her mother. I know her best. I also truly believe in maternal instinct. I would NEVER EVER let a random bloke I've only known 6 months have any say in parenting her at all.

I hope you mean your ex boyfriend.

your daughter needs you, she definitely does not need him.

Actually allowing this man access to any part of your life would be a failure, and not how you are being a mother. Come on, act smart ffs and get rid of the nasty twat

It's absolutely baffling as to why you're still with this man. Your standards are horribly low.

As you’d have seen in my original post I said I feel I need to ditch him. All I wanted was to see if anyone agreed that I’m too soft and pampering as a parent and there’s any truth in what he says

This. Wtf is actually going through the op’s head to stay with a man that she’s already lying to to protect her daughter? A daughter that he’s trying to get out of the picture?

I can live without this guy. I don’t need a boyfriend. Life’s sweet if you find a decent person but if you’re locking horns then no. My main concern is if I’m actually a bad parent because I’ve felt like I’m trying my best but then he’s made these negative comments and I guess ive had a moment of self doubt

Why are you with him? Honestly? I couldn't be in a relationship with some who frequently told me I was a shit parent! Please think about what you want from life and get rid of your very new partner who doesnt have your back or care about you.

It sounds like you're trying to be a kind, compassionate, supportive etc parent to your dd.

Girls do experience/suffer a range of things that boys don't .... That matters. He's too stupid to see it.

You're obviously trying to do your best and not destabilise or worsen your dd. It's not great that she's missing school, she needs whatever support can be found to help her keep her attendance up so it doesn't affect her education and prospects.

Like many men, he's over simplistic, hard-line, black and white thinking, arrogant and patronising.

You do need to get help to keep your Dds attendance reasonable and help her mh ongoing; is the only thing I'd say.

No, that’s a different issue op. There’s 2 things here and they don’t relate to each other at all. One issue is you’re worrying about your parenting methods and want advice on that, that’s fine. The focus on your thread was how your boyfriend thinks you’re a shit parent, he thinks your daughters health issues are made up and slags her off, you’re already having to lie to him to appease him, and he ultimately wants to you get rid of her and knob her off to her fathers. He doesn’t get to do that whether he thinks it’s true or not. He sounds like a massive potential abuser and he’d be straight out the fucking door if he said that about me and my child

I don’t want to be with a negative non supportive man and considering he’s not been in my life long or in a major way, it will be easy saying adieu. My main issue is making right choices for my daughter. If everyone was saying yes send her to her father because she has to be at school and you’re failing - then I’d be listening to that advice

That is why I want to get rid of him. If her dad lived close by I’d still be upset being told to part with her - but especially not when he’s in another town few hours away. I’d never try separate someone from their child.

I’d be quite happy already to end this thread as I know my gut instinct to bin him is right and I feel more confident and relieved that posters have not agreed that I’m a useless parent because her school attendance is lower than it should he

Yep. Not at all an uncommon story. You don't need this critical cuckoo in your life OP. 🌹

You need to tell this cock knocker exactly where to shove all his criticism and blame. You sound like a really great mom and it's good that you do put your daughter first. I'd be sending him packing asap, your daughter's mental health is way more important than this twats bullshit

Oh God, he’s a bullying control freak - can you imagine living with him? Dump him. How dare he, who the fuck does he think he is? What a CUNT

You sound great OP. You are listening to your daughter and doing your best to help her through a difficult time. I really hope things improve for her soon.

And yes, ditch him.

I have also had a daughter who had anxiety, MH issues and ended up dropping out of school, the stress was unreal and I felt so terrible about it and wondered if I could be doing things differently.

In fact, the biggest thing to help has been time, time for her to grow up and mature and decide to take herself back into education, that and therapy/counselling for her.

This is just one stage in her life and you sound a lovely supportive mum, but with the best will in the world you can't just parent teen girls out of MH issues and anxiety, you can support them, help them, get them treatment but there's no magic wand to wave except to be a very strong supporter for them and make sure there's always a place they feel safe and secure so they can then learn to cope with the world.

He's so awful I'm not even going to rub it in any more. Good luck OP.

Couldn't have put it better. 🌹