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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

230 replies

Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 12:59

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

OP posts:
unkownone · 12/10/2023 06:57

He's an idiot and easy fix for that issue is to get rid of him. With your daughter, mine daughter went through the same, though add eating disorder as well. We had many early pick ups from school from anxiety attacks, had to leave her part time job as she would have them before work too, wouldn't leave the house. It was a tough few years - but the last 1/12 years of schooling was so much better and it's been amazing watching her flourish again. She's just finishing school now and 95% better. You're a fantastic mother x

Breakingpoint1961 · 12/10/2023 06:59

FWIW..I've just told my 'd' p to fuck off after his disparaging comments about my DS (adult) who lives with me.

We didn't live together, but he would eye roll if my DS didn't clear up after himself etc etc..WTAF?? MY home MY rules MY DS..he questioned my parenting too, believe me, he got both barrels..

So I speak from experience OP..tell him to fuck right of to fuckoffsville on a one way ticket..

Epidote · 12/10/2023 07:02

He said to you that her dad is more firm, show him how firm and polite you can be telling him. "Dear this is none of your business either accept that we are having some personal difficulties or you go".

If he shout his mouth you win if he goes you win even a bigger prize.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/10/2023 07:47

Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 06:39

I haven’t spoken to him yet. He is currently not talking to me anyway. It doesn’t take much to make him cross. I did say to him fairly recently he should date someone without children as he doesn’t seem to have the patience. First of all he said if he doesn’t have anyone in his life, he doesn’t care. But then said children are not the problem, it’s the bad choices the parent makes that is the problem

You deserve better than this, so does your daughter. I've got one ND child and an adult child who had similar issues at a similar age. It would take a very brave man to give opinions on my kids and my parenting. He is "cross" a lot of the time. You can't be treading on eggshells like this, it's red flag behaviour! End it. He's not worth it. What a massive tool.

HerMammy · 12/10/2023 07:52

I wouldn't say his sons are a successful purely based on being at uni, I'm sure they'd tell you about their emotionally selfish and unavailable father, probably too scared to show any weakness to him.

Saschka · 12/10/2023 07:52

Eightiesgirl84 · 11/10/2023 13:17

Definitely can say his boys are a success because they had both parents equally involved growing up unlike my situation doing it mainly solo. It’s got to point I’m lying saying she’s gone to school even when she hasn’t just to avoid the lectures and anger

Who the fuck does he think he is, getting angry with you about your parenting when he is a brand new boyfriend? Dump him.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 12/10/2023 08:47

Ditch him. How dare he offer his 'advice' about your dd??

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 09:18

This is exactly what has gone through my mind.
I was raised with a military style father and I did what he said and pushed myself academically - but not because I loved my dad and felt secure and loved. It was to try get his approval and not have him mad at me. I was miserable!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 10:19

Apparently I’m setting my daughter up for failure and it’s frustrating that I’m too stupid to see my mistakes. My parenting was called atrocious. Not only because her school attendance is sub optimal but her lifestyle is too sedentary and she’s overweight. I try everything to get her involved in activities and offer to join her, no matter what time it is or where. She’s not interested as unfortunately she’s only feeling comfortable at home. I have a treadmill and boxing bag but she barely uses them. And yes she comfort eats. Apart from locking the cupboards and fridge, I don’t know what to do. I generally buy and cook healthy foods

OP posts:
BMW6 · 12/10/2023 10:24

I haven’t spoken to him yet. He is currently not talking to me anyway. It doesn’t take much to make him cross

Irrespective of his shitty attitude towards YOUR daughter, I'd ditch the twat because of this alone!

No-one needs someone in their life like him. In a good relationship you support each other. You don't have to watch what you say or do because he or she gets in a temper easily!

Fuck that!

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 10:29

He does this, goes silent for a couple days and then either I have to apologise for whatever mistake I’ve made or he will spend the next 2 days lecturing me for it

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 12/10/2023 10:32

@Eightiesgirl84 get rid of this tosser.

It's so easy for a man to criticise but chances are he was never the full time parent to his own and it was his wife who did the full on parenting!

10 months only and he's this opinionated and critical?

That is a huge red flag, OP. Don't ignore it. He is showing you a hint of his true colours and they aren't pretty.

nibblessquibbles · 12/10/2023 10:34

He has no clue. His opinion is simply not valid

He doesn't know her
He has no experience of dealing with young teens who have suffered through the whole covid thing plus possible add
He has no experience of raising a child solo
I could go on ...

So you either need to ditch him or tell him firmly his opinion is neither valid nor welcome on this topic

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 10:36

I tolerated it at first as he wasn’t so derogatory. He had an opinion but made it sound like he was trying to ‘help’ and be practical. Then it turned to being critical and nasty and making me feel my ex husband will do a better job parenting and I’m actually doing my daughter a disservice raising her.
He can be a charming sensible, fun, caring man but then there’s this negative side.
I don’t want to spend the next few years being told how to parent every day

OP posts:
Breakingpoint1961 · 12/10/2023 10:45

Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 10:29

He does this, goes silent for a couple days and then either I have to apologise for whatever mistake I’ve made or he will spend the next 2 days lecturing me for it

Seriously? You're apologising for HIS behaviour? This 'charming/fun/caring' individual is a wolf in sheep's clothing..he's showing you who he is, and has all the hallmarks of a controller.

If this thread does nothing but encourage you to dump his sorry arse, then it's done good..

Saschka · 12/10/2023 10:49

Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 10:29

He does this, goes silent for a couple days and then either I have to apologise for whatever mistake I’ve made or he will spend the next 2 days lecturing me for it

This is abusive and controlling. Dump him.

TheFireflies · 12/10/2023 11:03

Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 04:37

Admittedly my daughter would be made to go to school regardless with her dad and made to toe the line and be resilient and be obedient and not argue and made to socialise. However this is not solving the root cause of her problems or assisting her with the anxiety and low esteem etcetera - it might make it worse

It absolutely would make it worse.

I hope you’ve already dumped your awful, abusive partner OP. Stick to your guns.

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 11:30

I’m not continuing with him. His lack of empathy is alarming. Not caring about my daughters emotional wellbeing. The attitude he has is basically tough - suck it up

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 11:36

If you were a smart person the you would know that this man is speaking partial rubbish!

If you can afford to pay for private education how about you pay for a private therapist?

Have you looked into PMT patterns?

Many kids are anxious at this age. Especially as school and media ram mental health down their throats these days

encouragd your daughter to go to extra curricular activities - msybe the sand classes as her friends To boost confidence

There is no magic wand in curing anxiety except meds or therapy and even then it’s not amazing.

Getting to the route of the anxiety is crucial - is it weight? School work? Large groups?

Mabelface · 12/10/2023 11:39

It's a definite "off you fuck then" to him from me.

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 11:50

Trying very hard to find what is making her so anxious. She says there’s no bullies. She says no teacher is picking on her. I know she has image issues and self conscious. Even though she’s a pretty girl. She’s a bit chubby which she’s conscious of. She says she can’t explain what it is but she gets this massive anxiety and feels like she can’t cope, it makes her feel kind of paralysed sometimes

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 12:09

If she has body image worries is it PE days she is trying to skip? There will be something in particular

Does she have access to Instagram etc ? A mobile where she can sit and scroll? Bad idea for image issues

If she is worried about her weight talk her through things she can do to feel better about herself so she feels like she is tackling it?

biking, running, clubs with her friends - healthy eating etc

Original poster
Eightiesgirl84 · 12/10/2023 12:12

Hates sport days but that’s only once a week. She skips other days when no PE. I’ve suggested and offered every activity to her and she refuses. She won’t walk or cycle or swim or play basketball or go to a gym or try rowing club. Nothing! I do want to do an elimination diet with her and we cut out all foods with colour, preservatives and additives, gluten, sugars etc

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 12:13

Also the amount of parents on forums talking about anxiety and accessing MH services from the NHS has me worried

There is no magic wand to treat anxiety. It’s either drugs which most parents don’t want their kids to take or talking with a therapist but honestly they also have no wand.

Happy kids are ones who have friends they enjoy

Do you let her friends sleepover? Pay for cinema trips and tea out?

These things are great to relieve anxiety as they just make kids feel happy and included

Slothlikemum · 12/10/2023 12:25

He parented different children to yours. Whether it's personality, how she was raised, genetics, biology, who knows. But her needs are different to his kids' needs.

Your her mother and you're doing everything you can for the person she is. Not what appeared like great parenting for two totally different children.

You're right to trust your gut on both fronts - getting rid of him and parenting your daughter (while obviously seeking support from professionals, which you already are).