My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

[Eightiesgirl84]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

She doesn’t even want to go for walks not even along the beautiful river. Not interested in anything. It’s very hard to get her out the house. It does give me hope that others have been through it and their children are doing well.

Please please please get this 'man' out of your daughters life. Don't let him destroy her confidence and self esteem, like he is doing to you..

You owe him NOTHING..good riddance to bad rubbish..honestly listen to PPs..

He probs didn't play a very active part in his dcs' upbringing and it is very easy to have views on parenting when you're not the one doing the actual parenting.

You need to get rid asap.

Nobody who cared about you would be saying things like this. He just wants rid of her so he can have your attention.

It won't get better or easier

When someone tells you who they are - listen x

Time to say to him " off you fuck cunty chops"

Seconded

His reasoning is send her for a year to ‘straighten her out’ then she can come back to me reformed. It does sound very military style. I know it’s bad when she missed school as education is paramount but I know her MH issues are real. If she went to her dads she would be more anxious as she would have to change location and a new school

This made me laugh

Another clueless arsehole with an opinion on stuff that doesn't concern him, there seems to be an endless supply of them. Dump and delete.

You only become a terrible parent if you decide to stay with a man who behaves like this

OP..he doesn't have any 'reasoning' as a PP pointed out 'he's an absolute cunt' which was seconded, and now thirded!

I think it is he who needs 'straightening out'👊🏼

Not only are you a good parent, you're also a good person..so be good enough to tell him to fuck off and mind his own business..

We did a parents course through CAMHS about supporting anxiety and the book they used was Helping your child with fears and worries. If you've not read it we found it quite helpful and others on the course reported some really good progress

You're not a bad parent, he's manipulating you into thinking you are a bad parent. He's trying to make you feel that you cannot cope and have no choice but to send your daughter away to her Dads. I bet his plan is to move in and exert his control over you.

You must stop this now for you and especially your daughters mental wellbeing. Get rid of this dickhead asap before he starts repeating to your daughter what he's saying to you!

Tell him to fuck off! My teen DD has recently had a MH crisis, CAMHS involvement. My DP was so supportive, we don't live together, he gave me space, checked in and was there when I needed.
This man has no right to judge and if he's only adding more stress, you don't need him in your life.

If your daughter’s father only sees her “during the school
holidays when he can be bothered”, what makes your stupid ex-boyfriend think this deadbeat is going to put in the effort to get her into school every day?!

I imagine being mostly abandoned by her father is a greater cause of her anxiety than anything you might or might not be doing.

My ex husband is not supportive at all in his daughters problems. His attitude is harden the fuck up. He’s another one sweeps MH under the carpet

berating me constantly

It'd be bye bye from me.

Rude, nosey fucker

Thank God you don't live together. End it, and don't give him a long detailed explanation either. You're not a good fit.

Get rid d.

Admittedly my daughter would be made to go to school regardless with her dad and made to toe the line and be resilient and be obedient and not argue and made to socialise. However this is not solving the root cause of her problems or assisting her with the anxiety and low esteem etcetera - it might make it worse

You have done nothing wrong. You sound like a good person.

Have you ditched him yet? I'd love to hear his reaction.

You are not a bad mother but you definitely need to get rid of your boyfriend asap.

I haven’t spoken to him yet. He is currently not talking to me anyway. It doesn’t take much to make him cross. I did say to him fairly recently he should date someone without children as he doesn’t seem to have the patience. First of all he said if he doesn’t have anyone in his life, he doesn’t care. But then said children are not the problem, it’s the bad choices the parent makes that is the problem

How much actual parenting did he do of his own children? How much was left to their mother?!

From ages 14 and 12 when they split up, he had them nearly 50% so he says but he lived next to his mother so she helped a lot

OP honestly, what are you getting from this relationship? He sounds awful, truly awful.

You are doubting yourself in every respect..He's chipping away at you..

You need to be strong mentally to help and support your DD, he is slowly eroding that strength.

His parenting is irrelevant, sanctimonious bastard