How to get over trauma of online dating

[Traumaonline]

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

That sounds great @capabilityfrowns - I hope it goes well! It gives me a little hope 😁

Can I ask whether you actually spoke on the phone or chatted via text, please? This is something I have a problem with. I don't really like speaking on the phone much to people I don't know. One guy I chatted to last week via Ourtime then WhatsApp then seemed to want to phone all the time. In the end, it just got too much for me. I hadn't even met him, so it felt uncomfortable. However, since most of the people I contact live quite far from me (I live in a small village in quite a rural area), it is natural to want to speak a bit before travelling to meet up. I understand that. But how far is too far? There are a couple of guys I would like to meet, but realistically speaking I don't think it is worth it as they live too far away (over 5 hours by car). I dated a guy for a few years who lived 1.5 hours from me by car initially. However, I knew he was planning on moving closer to where I live, so was aware it wouldn't always be like that.

Hi shimla

It's just been text so far and I left one voice note . But it's been two way and lots of interaction since yesterday .

We went to WhatsApp quite quickly but I was happy to do so where normally I'm not . Normally I won't give my number out .

He lives 1.5 hours from me but in the scheme of things that's not so bad for me , plus he is semi retired with no ties so if we want to see each other I dont think a 1.5 hour drive would be that difficult as we both drive .

No phone calls yet and I get exactly where you're coming from on that , I had a love bomber who was doing my head in with constant calls . I ended up blocking him as he cancelled a date 4 times but was still constantly calling and messaging and I just got bad vibes .

This is going well but not to far too fast . I suspect we will meet before chats on the phone tbh . If it goes well , great , if not we'll move on .

The chat here with this guy feels friendly, interactive, slightly flirty which is fun but no sleaze , and very easy. He's easy on the eye , 3 years older than me , seems successful, happy, empathetic and equal . Not what I expected as an OLD old hack but it's nice and I'm just going with it .

I’ve lived on my own since 2016 so got used to tightening my belt. For me watching the pennies is far preferable to living with another man full time.
I was with my last partner 2.5 years and never thought about him moving in - very glad now I didn’t!!

My sister was with her ex for 17 years and they both had their own houses. I used to think that was a bit odd, now I totally get it.

Thought this blog post might be of interest to this thread!!! https://thedistracted.substack.com/p/pussy-by-gaslight

I've done the online dating thing on/off for a while. I've met 2 boyfriends from online dating and had various dates as well.

The first boyfriend from there. Huge mistake and red flags I should have picked up on from day 1. I am well rid of him.

I dated someone in between for a year or so that I matched with on Tinder but we had known each other for years. We broke up because he just couldn't be arsed with a relationship.

After this, I had a lot of dates and "hook ups", had one drunken one in which mistakingly, precautions were not taken and I ended up with two STDs which was embarrassing, and painful as I ended up with PID. It put me off the whole "hook up" culture to be honest and it gives me the "ick" now.

My current boyfriend I met on a last ditch attempt on Tinder and this time I lowered the age bracket. We've been together almost a year.

The numerous dates I had been on and hook ups, the attitudes of the men were wild. They expected sex on the first or second meeting. They explicitly talk about sex on the first date. They will tell you they want something "casual with no labels" so they can shag whoever they want. They always have a crazy ex that they blame all their emotional trauma and problems on.

Very rarely now will they make any nice gestures such as buying you a drink, or giving you flowers or a little present.

I did meet one guy who was incredibly thoughtful and bought me an easter egg and one for my child as he knew I had one but I didn't pursue it once I realized he was a stoner.

I had another buy me my fav chocolate bar on a first date as he had remembered which was a cheap, but lovely gesture. It didn't work out as there was too large of an age difference (14 years or so) but we are still friends.

I think there's a fair bit of truth in this although the 3 longish relationships I had in my 20s (1,3 and 4 years) I left (and made the choice) without anyone else involved.

Reviewing my friends over the years though it more follows the trend you describe

Thanks. Yh very funny!

Creeps can come in many disguises though. And they do hover round OLD like there’s no tomorrow. It’s an irresistible place for creeps and narcs.

My worst creep had a very respectable “suit” job, a long marriage behind him and seemed quite normal. Then I found out he was a (fairly hidden) sexual deviant and really not nice either. Ick.

Hi @capabilityfrowns - how did the date go? I think you were meeting up with the guy from Ourtime on Monday. I hope it went well 😊

It went VERY well thank you ! He's absolutely gorgeous. But I suspect our lifestyle and the distance will tomb the bell however we have another date planned . He's been texting constantly and seems very interested. He's a fitness fanatic and vegetarian. I'm a couch potato since my illness. He was incredibly chivalrous and picked up the )substantial) ! Bill and wants to come again next week . It's a two hour trip though. He has no ties and is flexible so for now - I'm gonna have some fun ! Did I mention he's absolutely gorgeous? 😂. He is . Proper hotty. I'm slightly less fit and slightly less hot 😉

@capabilityfrowns That's wonderful news! So happy you had luck there. Both yourself and @Shimla999 are more than welcome to join our Dating Thread 243 and teach us your ways

Though he seemed to like what he saw . 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I'm trying not to be the harbinger of doom just yet 😂. It was an easy date , easy conversation, bit of pashing in the darkened deserted corner of a restaurant on a Monday night ! Best date I've ever had .

Now I need to wobble my head and talk some sense into myself with the distance and the fact he's mr fit training for a marathon while I struggle with stairs 🤷🏻‍♀️. I used to be really fit bit been unwell for months , so for no more though I guess I still
Scrub up ok !

Where's the thread ?

Have to say he's made my £40 spend on ourtime worth it 😂

🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4906765-dating-thread-243?page=22

@capabilityfrowns
@Shimla999

Will is in cloud cuckoo land

I need attraction to proceed not just a potentially nice bloke . I had a quite visceral reaction to my recent dates photo , he won't be for everyone, fit not muscular, but his face absolutely did something to my tummy !

I've not had that online before . But there has to be attraction. He's made it quite clear it's two way on meeting . I've had lots of likes from very scary looking men who I'm sure are nice but I wouldn't want to get jiggy with them

That s a very odd view , settle for less than you'd like . Done that and bought that t shirt .I'd rather be alone than settle

I'd avoid OLD like the plague. IME full of creeps obviously toggling between OLD and porn. They're generally disgusting porn addled misogynists after a quick wank or leg over

This idea Will has, has been wheeled out in so many threads. There was one a while ago about single, desperate people and how they should settle. How many single people are single because they over estimate how attractive they are. That they should give that guy who they don't find attractive a go as it could grow on them. They need to lower their standards.

I agree with you attraction plays a big part in who I date, I won't settle for someone I don't find attractive. The last guy I found hot, he was just my type (tall, athletic with a brain), and he found this slightly overweight bird who goes to the gym regularly attractive.

I never knew it was that simple.

@Starseeking definitely agree here that a decent man (possibly average looking but decent job etc) would get snapped up quickly. All the men I know who tried online dating did quickly meet someone. With the women, who are successful, very attractive, zilch. I just think there are so many attractive, normal women out there OLD but very few men.

Actually this is true. I recently joined eHarmony and the so-called matches were mostly awful. Not just physically (though that too), but even 80% or their profiles they had made zero effort. I am late 50s though so it is slim pickings anyway.

I was puzzled and curious so I decided to set up a fake male profile for a day. I searched for women of a similar age and though I couldn’t see photos (they are all blurred on trial period) most of them sounded nice and a lot of the women sounded really interesting, quality people. They’d made effort with their profile too. Compared to the men who often wrote nothing of interest.

BTW, Eharmony - avoid like the plague. An American company, they are total scammers. Even if you cancel within the 14 day cooling off period charge £65 for the personality test (which takes 5 minutes). You can’t search even when paid up and the matches they force you to go through are mostly wholly incompatible and live 100s of miles away - even if if choose closer boundaries. Their “terms and conditions” are deliberately unclear - cancellation terms are pages long and simply indecipherable. There is an 2023 article in the Guardian online slagging them off. Plus just read Trustpilot reviews if you are in any doubt!

Blimey £65, if I pay that much, I expect DH guaranteed

I wonder if there are any British companies out there who do this better

Even the blurred pictures of women they mostly looked vaguely attractive. The blurred men, not so much 🙄😅.

My amazing date was I suspect a player

Ghosted for 2 days so I messaged saying I know it's Halloween but ghosting isn't cool , got the inevitable think you're a great girl but distance is an issue

Yeah !. ? Felt like saying and you didn't have access to a map before the date ? He was trying to get me pissed all night and had asked me to stay over which I was firm on and left when my taxi came , though I left him with a raging hard on 😂

So that's me done now . Got a couple of weeks left on Ourtime . Getting ridiculous likes and some men can't take a hint sending 20 + messages when I've not replied and clearly aren't interested .

God it's grim . But it has given me a good idea for a sideline to the day job. So gonna work on that and give up the rest !

That’s a shame @capabilityfrowns . Nowt else to say that is not polite.

Unfortunately, just more proof that a high percentage of men OLD are just prowling for sex.